


Aphothic candle

by zrku_munku



Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Original Character(s), Romance, Thriller
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-06-01 01:46:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 51,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6496012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zrku_munku/pseuds/zrku_munku
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A candle which only darkness can light— Two teenagers. Two destinies. Two pasts.<br/>Life was either a waste of time or plain boring for the both of them. Yet; none of them would've expected what was brought upon them. For one, high school is a first. For the other, a misery.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Basic info.

**Author's Note:**

> This first post will contain a short description of the two mains characters.

** **

** **

**First Name;** 白(Shirō)  
**Last Name:** O'Connor  
**Birthday:** June 23rd  
**Height:** 5'2" (1m57)  
**Weight:** 52kg (115lbs)

 **Origin:** Korean & Japanese  
**Languages:** Japanese, Korean, English, Spanish & Mandarin.  
**Blood type:** O+  
**Gender:** Male  
**Sexual Orientation:** Pansexual  
**Zodiac Sign:** Leo  
**Talents:** Sing, arts, etc.  
**Tic &Tok:** Whatever he holds within his hands or does with them; his auricular would always be lifted up/whenever shy or embarrassed, he always scratches the back of his head/when lying or hiding things, Shirō touches his chin with his thumb and index finger within a playful manner/etc…

 **Foster Mother:** Jenniffer Elina O'Connor  
**Foster Father:** Christian O'Connor  
**Biological Mother:** N/A  
**Biological Father:** N/A

 **Physical traits:**  
Shirō’s visage is veiled by many childlike characteristics, most of the time, people would mistaken his age. His face is round-shaped with a defined, slightly pointed chin and a subtle jaw line. His dark brown eyes are of an almond-shape and spaced evenly apart, sitting below trim eyebrows that are always hidden under his hair locks. His lips are of perfect proportion, fine  & kind. His hair—naturally straight—are short. He usually stand & sit straight, keeping his back within a good line. A flexible & subtle approach, when he walks, he is always naturally discreet. His delicate hands are as fragile as glass. His pointy nose is neither small nor big; subtle.

 **Psychological traits:**  
Shirō is naturally a sensitive human being but he hides that very well, at the first meeting. Although sometimes he dislike having the attention, he secretly loves praise and flattery, his ego demand respect and adoration. This teenager is all about pride. This can cause him to be self-centered but the warmth of this boy’s heart keeps it under control. If his audience (otherwise known as his friends/family) do not provide the needed appreciation, Shirō is too proud to ask for it and he will suffer a hurt ego, but no one will ever know and he will suffer in silence. He is a very generous, kind and openhearted person. If he is crossed, he will usually strike back with force but he is not one to hold a grudge, he easily forgive, forget and move on. The secret of this boy is that he needs to be needed.

 **Biography:**  
Shirō O'Connor is the surviving child from a decimated family whose parents have been assassinated before his eyes.

On a day of the month of November, Shirō was in the presence of his biological mother, in the kitchen, the instant the front has been opened. Instinctively, he would go join the other presence whom he thought would be his father. Indeed. It was, yet, this same person has been followed by a young man. It happened as quick as the light. The unfamiliar individul oppressed the man to enter and while making sure the door behind them was closed. Sure, none of the family could expect the following actions of this intrusive presence under their roof.

All the kid could’ve done was staring, horrified. Not the mere sounds came out from him. The fears frozen his blood. Albeit how many times both of his parents would yell at him for running away, screaming for help, he couldn’t speak nor moving. He became deaf&mute. Yet; his sight definitely memorized every instant, seconds of the scene that passed before him. Before leaving, the young man offered Shirō to follow him. This person seemed to love children, but the invitation has been silently rejected. He left him there. After all, he wouldn’t be alone.

Three days has passed, the authorities found Shirō sitting between two corpses, idle&still. The police was surprised to find the boy motionless between the bodies of his deceased parents.

This shock didn’t wait any weeks to go viral on the Korea Medias. Albeit almost all the country has known about this, not the foster parents. In order to allow, the child to be treated as normal as possible.

With no other relative able to welcome him, this orphan had to live within an orphanage. His next parents, when they came to Korean, at first, didn’t plan on adopting a kid, but a new babyborn. However, during their passage to the room where some babies were sleeping, Jenniffer, couldn’t take her eyes off of an endearing being sitting next to a window. Shirō, whenever was the time, was always at this place. The nurse would let him do so, he was always following her around; she was the exact copy of his mother after all. At first, his soon foster mother would mistake him for the son of the nurse, until she told her otherwise. With such fact, the woman came with an idea and spoke of this with her husband.

Days have passed before the couple came to an actual choice; adopting the child. When they came with such decision before the nurse, she warned them of the regular nightmares&nighttime terrors Shirō had. Albeit being aware of such responsibility, they didn’t hesitate to take all of them.

* * *

**First Name;**  Кирилл (Kirill)  
**Last Name:** Ольховский (O'lkhovskyi)  
**Birthday:**  October 16th  
**Height:**  6'4" (1m93)  
**Weight:** 85kg (188lbs)

 **Origin:** Russian  
**Languages:** Russian, English, French, Spanish, Germain, Irish, Korean.  
**Blood type:**  O-  
**Gender:**  Male  
**Sexual Orientation:**  Homosexual (Bi-curious)  
**Zodiac Sign:**  Libra  
**Talents:** Sing, dance, piano, violon, aerial silks, etc.  
**Tic &Tok: W**hen he’s lost in his thought he tent to bite his lower lip while staring at nothing. He smokes when he feels nervous or uncomfortable. He rans his hand in his hair when he’s annoyed. He can only sleep directly on the floor laying on his back or he tent to wake up in weird places or situations.

Mother: Svetlana O'lkhovskyi  
**Father:** Hamish O'lkhovskyi

 **Physical traits:**  
Kirill has a manly visage. Stuck in mid-twenty, he look older than he is but will soon enough look younger than his real age. His traits are perfectly symmetrical which is uncommon in the human race. He is the perfect pattern of the villain cliché, too handsome to be good. He is taller than the average boy of his age and his body is shaped slightly muscular without being too obvious. His eyes are abnormally pale, a blueish gray that turn to a silver white when expose to bright light. His ginger hair are bright and tent to turn reddish as his father has a dark auburn tone in them. He hold himself upright in a proud posture, even thought he don't speak lots his eyes show his authority. He has a bright smile, very light and slightly childish as his laugh but only a few person has seen his smile or hear his true laugh.

 **Psychological traits:**  
Kirill is a disturbed and hurt human being. He lives hell since his childhood as an abused child by the had of his uncle he is sick with schizophrenia, but over the years , he learned to live with the voices and even learned how to control them and use them at his advantage. As his childhood has been taking away from him at the death of his parents he is a really mature and lonely teenager. He is often classify as mysterious or _emo_ due to his lack of happiness and friends. Kirill has a great taste of style and the way he look is really important to him. He has many piercing and tattoo that he will gain during the story.

 **Biography:**  
Kirill is born in Russia in October 17th . As soon as he was born he was diagnosticated with the XYY syndrome. At the age of 9 years old he started to hear voices in his head for the first time. He and his family moved to the USA to have a better doctor for his situation. In that point, his uncle showed up in his life. Being a respected doctor and researcher in mental illness he started to have an interest in Kirill’s ability to control the voices he was living with. He asked the parents to use Kirill to make his own research on the case. Kirill’s parent refuse to have Kirill under that much test. A year later, Kirill’s uncle killed his parents and burned the corpse in the familial house making the murder become an accident. With this done, the uncle became Kirill’s legal tutor and started doing his research on him. Today, he has many scars due to the test done on him, he also developed a hatred toward the human race after he got intern in a hospital due to his uncle need of traveling. He stayed in the hospital for two year where he meet Yuki, an other schizophrenic who he started a relation with. Yûki ended up killing himself in front of Kirill during a night and now Yûki’s memory haunts him day and night. This incident made Kirill very reluctant about falling in love. When his uncle came back, he decided to make Kirill go back to school to see his behaviour toward other human. He started to have an interest in having as many sexual relationship as possible without never being serious. Now in senior year he is still having nightmares of yuki’s death and is less and less able to deal with it. The thought of himself being a monster is taking enormous place in his mind and killing himself is starting in his head to be the only option left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story will be written with two different point of views, which will be obviously the mains characters (2). In order to distinguish them, a picture of the characters will be added at the top of each chapter. Take note that, during the story more informations, either on their past or personality, will be developed.
> 
> The next post will be the Prologue.


	2. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before the first day of school...

His existence has been one of painful isolation and loneliness, dwelling on the futility and general meaningless nature of life and death. As seen in his recollection of his past, he sees the world as a pit of darkness, inhabited by those who are likewise void of shape or colour. feeling his own body, feeling the heartless drums of his very real innards, added to the unique aspect he spun upon his own character’s existence. Because he could see, feel, and comprehend his own sordid place, he was not one of this world — there is _nothing_ in him.

Even the light– the warm sensation that been laid within his palm; the coldness still remained into the depths of his being. void reflects the **coldness** \- life, the _warmth_ of it. No matter how close or far one can be to the sun; if the soul—life—is gone, none could feel this clement sensation within their being. A visible smirk escaped him due how  _relevant_ such revelation applied to him. Soul. such term was foreign a long time ago within his mother tongue nor he can describe the feeling of having one. Once one can’t hear it anymore; they know they are lost. This voice– _la raison_. This sense who lead a mortal toward the right path, if they lose it; now anyone can grant– they went **mad**. However; this silence, shouldn’t it bring peace within a disturbed mind? … even the silence has its own voice. It can even has many of them. Those voices have their own thoughts. Their overwhelming words veil the mind of one— forcing them to put aside their own thoughts; trying to but a balance between these countless worlds inside of their being, so much- everything is passing before their eyes. They see and they feel everything. Things no one but them can see.

The isolation comes and despite him; none sees him as many others; _normal_. Abnormal is a strong connotation of the term unnatural— a pest or even monster. Simply because nothing is natural with those creatures. 

Could he be cured? His surroundings wanted so. It was a must for them but not for _him_. Changing the madness of someone is pointless in any way, still nothing prevent them moving from their homeland, Russia, in order to go to the United-State. Such country is renowned for their strong ability of curing mental illness.

His uncle– referred as now, his tutor, came to a point to send him back to a public place; high school; his veiling any major events that occurred before. As if the fact of his nephew’s isolation within the walls of a mental institution—two years ago—was nothing but a mere detail to even lend an attention upon. still; to compensate such immediate decision, Kirill would’ve to meet two important needs; psychiatrist & psychologist— and this three times per week. the story would repeat itself. again, again and again. those damaged–pulverized—burned corpses of what Kirill used to call ‘mom & dad’, would come to his mind each time he would need to narrate such broken past.

He can’t forget and he won’t. 

As if he could ever forget **that day**.

* * *

This surge processed by the flight or fight syndrome(endorphin), in which his body is aware of the immediate threat of death inbound on the horizon– the need of protection and physical defenses was needed; however his body has a _supreme_ limitation of gesticulation. These stripes around his wrists wouldn’t let him move from an inch in order to protect himself from this murderous electric chair. Dreadful and yet; the air was still coming in and out of his lungs. the young boy was alive despite his will.

The presence adjacent from where he sat, made their path toward him- reducing the separation between both of them. each step intensified the palpitation of his racing heart which almost deafened his eardrums. the elder adjusted his stature enough to have the same level of his dearest nephew. a gasp sucked in. Kirill’s eyes were affixed upon the others’ smile whom laid behind it a trail of dull promises.

"Tell me _little one_ …  why haven’t you reacted when I killed your parents before your eyes?"

A thin silence has been laced within the air. No answer. No words came out. Only heavy breaths. Was this man even worth of earning a mere response from the child? Of course not. All he earned was the odium aspect that were reflecting across the sternness eyes of Kirill. this pain– this oppressive agony was slowly evoking within him a strong disgust at the regard of the presence before him and tears in his eyes– but he suppressed them back in. No. In _any way_  in hell he would give any sadist satisfaction to this man. He couldn’t let himself do such unpardonable gesture. But how could a ten years old boy do such thing? Everything was a mess within the depths of his mind. He was fighting against the man, his pain and his own self.

“Love is a weakness. Remember that. But we both know that’s not the reason why you didn’t react. It’s because they **did** deserve it, because if I wasn’t the one killing them, it would have been _you_.“

Another shock. A jaw clenched. Teeth grinding between themselves. Then, a loud lament reverberated into the air, still, none followed after.

“Tell me you would have done it. Tell me why their own child would have killed them!“

“Because I’m a monster.“

“And what does a monster deserve?“

“A monster deserves to **die**."

* * *

In spite of his will– _non-existing_ –the cloak of silence would hide his voice within it. It has been a long time since this orphan lived under the roof of whom he will have to refer as relatives and yet, not the slightest word has been exchanged in return from him. His foster parents tried, so many times, to earn, at least, the mere sound from his mouth; a word, laugh, growl or even a _complain_ —– Shirō wouldn’t speak to them in _any_ way. Listening,  _yes_ , but speaking? Not at all. Should it be considerate as ungratefulness? Sure, it could. They welcomed within their heart a young orphan whom progenitors were victim of a criminal’s murder. They spoiled, loved, cherished him. Still– how could anyone blame the deaf and speechless child he was since then? With times, those illness left; making him whole aware of his senses, but speaking was still an issue for him. A  _trauma_ wouldn’t let him go. In addition of a trauma, the fear of losing who he was before– what his procreators left to him—his natives languages  & his cultures—was quite supreme upon his shoulders. And due this, the idea of sending him to school, kindergarten year, has been scratched- the only option? Homeschool.

Shirō’s capacity of learning was quite stunning. His parents were both glad. Their wish of having a clever child-either boy or girl-has been fulfilled. Yet, hearing his voice, would this wish will ever be fulfilled? Even his personal teachers– none of them heard his voice and the only being that did was his _nanny_. The caring and loving woman, Shirō’s mother employed in order to keep a constant eye on him, even if both parents are present. The used language between him and the woman? His natives languages. Not the mere hint of english left his mouth. It’s only until the age of fourteen reached him— he spoke. To catch the attention, he would’ve usually make a physical contact–a hand on a shoulder or a simple prod– yet this time, speaking seemed a better option. The nanny was the source behind such unexpected action coming from him.

“ 彼らはあなたを気に. ”  
_They really care about you._

A head lifted slowly; providing the eyes to lay their gaze upon the presence before them. No words were spoken. A long silence remained within a shut mouth. The words did touch the attention of the young boy– he was wholly aware of the sentiments at his regard and yet; something was blocking him.

“ 分 かってる, 分 かってるよ . ”  
_I know, I know._

An emphasis has been heard in his used tone. Saying things a countless time that one already know might evoked within them an irritation. And this engendered on the old woman a frown. Action speaks more than words– this was a fact none could gainsay. And for such situation, if it was the case of  Shirō, his parents wouldn’t be desperate to earn a word from him. Sure, it’s been some few months they decided to let him have some times; let him chose the right time to talk to them. However; it seemed pointless.

“ あなたが好きなのは見ていません. ’‘  
_You don’t look like you do._

A grimaced was laced through Shirō’s lips once he heard this _straight_ remark. An argument was burning under the ardent desire of being free; still. A revaluation has been applied. Listening would be better than create any more trouble between them— especially if both persons are renowned for their _irascible_ persona— the teenager remained still, sitting on a stool in the kitchen. his brought his eyes on the dessert he was actually eating.

  
"I am aware how difficult it is for you to accept what **you’ve seen** on that day. But, you must accept it. They treat you like their own flesh and blood. If you think they will take  **their** places, you are wrong. I don’t know if they are exactly like **they** were with you, but…. Shirō. **They love you like they did**. You can’t tell me otherwise."

Two years has passed since then. Albeit how little he spoke in such foreign language; he did speak it. The shyness— uneasiness around those foster parents were almost all gone. Shirō’s trauma seemed to be less apparent. and his foster father didn’t hesitate taking such fact for granted. His son seemed more stable— stable enough to go to high school. Unfortunately for him, he wasn’t. yet, the lack of trust, Shirō couldn’t _share_ his insecurity in regard of such decision. plus—- he needed to make his parents happy. They sacrificed so many things for him– making one for them, couldn’t hurt.

He believed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be posted on April 15th.


	3. Chapter one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was only a week before classes starts. The students were convoked to prepare their rooms and take the necessities for their studies.

“What is your name?”

“Why would I told you? You have it write down just in front of your eyes.” I replied.

“Because it’s my job to ask question.”

“And it’s my right to not answer.”

“It’s your uncle who forced you to see me, huh?” he asked.

“That’s also something you have wrote on your sheet, or…”

“I’m only trying to know you better…”

“Oh, that’s wrong. That is so wrong and you know it as much as I do. The only reason why you’re trying to talk to me is because of the check at the end of the week. You don’t even want to know me, well, the real me.”

“I already know a little about you, Kirill.”

“Oh, you know how to read a sheet, I’m impressed.” I said.

He made a bright smile and I closed my eyes behind my sunglasses. His joy was making me sick and his teeth would make me go blind if I kept looking at them.

I looked finally around the room. A small office offert by the school to be in peace. By peace, I meant we couldn’t hear people talk or walk outside the room ‘cause the green, brown and white theme of the decoration wasn’t bringing peace to me at all.

“I know Kirill is a good person, an intelligent young man who’s been hurt numerous times and is still suffering a lot about it. When it’s the real you who’s talking to me, I see the pain in your eyes.”

I made a bitter laugh as I looked inside the man’s eyes and casually lean my forearms on my knees.

“You look like you want to say something.”

“I’d rather not.”

“Kirill, I want you to feel free to tell me anything that’s on your mind.”

“Fine. You are poor, your wife is cheating on you and your children hate you. You are suffering from chronicle stress, that explain the spots of coffee on your shirt, because your hands are constantly shaking. You don’t sleep anymore and you even thought about killing yourself. With all my respect, you should take care of your own problems before trying to understand mine.”

I got up and walked to the door where I know my uncle was waiting for me.

“Wait!”

I turned around to a man paler than a dead body who looked at me as if I was a ghost.

“Yes?”

“How did you know?”

“I didn’t know, I just guessed.”

“How?”

I smiled at him as I slowly opened the door.

“I see the pain in your eyes.” I said repeating his own words.

I left the room and walked toward my uncle.

“How was it?”

As if he cared.

“Delightful.”

He made a smirk and gave me a silver key with the number 201 inscribed on it.

“What is it?”

“Your room key.”

“I really need to sleep here at night?”

“Not every night but most of the time, when I dont need you at the lab I would prefer to know you here.”

_‘Yeah, to control me even more…’_ , I thought.

“Fine.” I said.

“Well, go and check out your room. I’ll be at the lab, remember the curfew.”

“Yeah, yeah, seven o'clock. I know.”

“Don’t be late.”

“Okay.”

He then left me in the almost empty hallway, with the exception of a small group of students probably there to visit their room and install themselves.

I sighed and walked upstairs to the non-anticipated room where I will be spending the rest of the year killing myself to act like a normal student. I couldn’t control to roll my eyes at the sight of the door. My torment was just beginning, I could feel it even thought I didn’t know why.

I opened the door to an empty room except for two naked bed, one against the wall under the window and the other on the side wall close to the door of what I think will be the bathroom. The beds were small, really small. But knowing I would be alone, the principal told me it would be more careful for my _‘mental state’_ , I decided to push the beds together under the window giving me more space close to the bathroom and even thought they were stick together it still wasn’t even the side of a regular bed. I turned around to see a note on the entrance door.

It was a general message from the school that said to go take our uniforms in the secretariat.

_‘A fucking uniform, really?!’_

I rolled my eyes once more as I walked outside the room and directed myself to the secretariat. I hoped the uniforms were long enough or at least, they could hide the neck, not that I would really wear that thing, but it was not in my intention to get the attention over my marked body.

Since that fatal day where my uncle shocked me on that chair, he never stopped beating me, and most of the time without reason, he always found stupid reasons to do it. It just for his own pleasure. Born as a monster will be treat as a monster. Showing my marks will be weak of me, meant that I couldn’t even confront my own problems. Even if it was hurting like hell, I will keep moving as if I didn’t feel anything on the outside. My inside was destroyed long time ago. I didn’t feel anything anymore except for anger, regret and sadness, even if I didn’t show it. My face is a neutral mask, not because I wanted to but because I didn’t know how to show it differently. I couldn’t show feelings if I felt any.

I was now in the state where my body was the more painful, ‘cause it started to heal so everything was aching. My back was a mess of scratches and bruises, I probably had some broken ribs that made my breathing really painful.

As I turned the corner in the hall to get to the secretariat, I ran into a woman that elbowed me directly on the ribs. My breathing got cut instantly from the pain and a fainted groan escaped from me as I turned around to the blond women.

“ сука, вы могли бы посмотреть, где вы собираетесь!  
_bitch, you could watch where you’re going!_

простодушный шлюха.  
_Simple-minded whore_

Can’t you fucking see I was there? I’m not tall enough?!”

I started to see white spots flashing in front of me, I could hear the woman complaining but it was like if she was meters away from me and not at one feet from where I was. I couldn’t breath anymore, was my body reacting to the pain? or… _the fear…_ the fear to be beat up again, even if it wasn’t my uncle and I knew my body had a reflex of panic… I felt myself fall to the floor and the voice was now more made of sounds than actual words.

I could barely move, could I even talk? My eyes were open but everything was blurry, I tried not to panic ‘cause it would only get worse. The only thing I could felt was the pain of my back as I fell on it and the aching of my ribs.

Suddenly there were hands grabbing me and an arm wrapped itself around me helping me getting on my feet, but that damn arm was pressing on my rib cage, the pain made me feel like a trapped animal and I tried to shove that arm away but end up leaning even more in the small frame holding me. Who the fuck was I leaning on anyway? It couldn’t be the woman, she looked taller than that but the one holding me was stronger than it looked.

I heard a voice talking to the woman, a masculine voice, the one holding me. Where the hell did that guy came from? I couldn’t understand what he was saying but his tone was annoyed for sure. He just had to leave if he wasn’t happy. I never asked for his damn help, even worse I never ask to be in his damn arms just put me down already!

I tried to move again but my knees wouldn’t listen to me so I slipped even more and my head was now on his shoulder my face toward his neck. How fun. My vision was all black but the white spots remained there.

“Bring me to my room.” I heard my own voice said but I couldn’t tell if it was my thought or my actual voice.

I heard the guy talk again probably to tell what I had said ‘cause it seemed like it only has been a whisper.

“Where is your room? Hey, do you hear me? …Where is your room?”

I blinked a few times, but I still couldn’t see.

Was he talking to me? I was so lost…

“…201…”

“201?”

“My room…идиот( _idiot_ )..”  

I heard them talk again then I felt myself being dragged, it was exactly at that moment I lost consciousness.

When I woke up. there was a woman staring at me.

“Where the hell am I…?”

“In your room, Sweety.”

“In my… my room..”

“Yes, we dragged you here after you passed out.”

“We..?”

“They are outside, do you want me to call anyone?”

“No. No… how many time did I sleep?

”Almost two hours, we were waiting for you to woke up before leaving, just to be sure you were fine…“

”Shit, really? You did that… for me?“

”You don’t have anyone who take care of you, do you?

I looked away from her and saw that there was a sheet wrapped around me.

“I saw them. On your chest and back, the cuts and bruises.”

“Did they…”

“No… unless I didn’t saw them see, but don’t worry, you’re fine. I took care of the wounds with what I found while you were asleep, but you should go see a doctor you have many cracked ribs.”

“I know…”

I looked at myself under the sheet, I was shirtless and most of my chest was wrapped in bandages.

“Thank you…”

“You are sure you dont want me to call someone for you?”

“No, please, I …I’m fine.”

“Alright.”

She took a pen out of her purse and wrote something on my hand.

“Here, it’s my number.”

“Why?”

“If anything happen, if you need help, I mean it, you can call me whenever you want. I don’t know what is happening in your life, in your house, but I want to be sure you are safe, alright?”

“…Alright.”

“ I must leave now, it’s been two hours I’m here, they must be wondering what I’m doing. Have a good night, Sweety, take care.”

“Thanks… have a good night too.”

She then got up and left the room with a warm smile. I looked around, two hours… TWO HOURS?!

Shit.

I got up and hurried myself to put on my shirt before walking outside the room. I locked the door, ran downstairs and went out. At leas,t I was close to the lab, but sure thing was that I was late. Really late.

Ten minutes of running and I was there. I opened the door, slowly, my heart racing in my chest. No sounds or noises, nothing but the pure and heavy silence surrounding me. I walked inside, looking around with care, but as I was about to relax I felt something being wrapped around my neck and pulled.

“You are late, son.”

The man had his belt wrapped around my neck and my vision started to be blurry by the lack of oxygen. I tried to fight, but in my position it was useless. I felt my own body giving up on me as the belt was leaving its mark on my skin. I fell on the ground and the man behind me pulled me inside the main room by the neck, I couldn’t move anymore. He tied my wrists and my ankles before I felt him pulled my pants down to my knees.

“As a punishment, I will mark you of the _‘Chechen wolf’_ , its an old Russian mythe, the wolf being the symbol of our nation, it represent control, domination.“

He took a long hot iron in the old furnace before coming closer to me.

”Because you… belong to me.“

Then, the hot metal was pressed on my skin, on the left side of my groin.

He was laughing.

A silent scream left my lips.

My eyes closed.

I fell into the darkness.

Again. 


	4. Chapter two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was only a week before classes starts. The students were convoked to prepare their rooms and take the necessities for their studies (2).

I was laying on my bed; my back pressed against the bedhead behind me. My eyes were wasted within the narration of the book I was reading—I get swept up into a whole other universe expressing the other character’s feelings, memories, the pain or anger, confusion, sadness, happiness, the fear and I forgot everything is around me. I was surrounded by this new atmosphere. I could see everything through my mind; these countless scene. I could hear the characters speaking out loud their mind through my eardrums and, especially feel the various emotions of each under my skin. There’s something, … something I can’t really explain, about the way a book feels to hold and read that no digital version can match. Every time I held a book, I felt like I was holding a story, an entire world ready for me to explore.  A story that will decrease my lack of knowledge while glutting my curiosity. There’s one, one sole question that my mind seek to answer, the instant I came under this roof. Yet; till so far, I didn’t get the answer I always desired. I sure did read so many book, myriad of them, only few of them managed to give me the meager part of the answer. Blaming those authors would be an act of idiocy; themselves—they barely can explain the character’s mind. If one took the time to actually read between the lines;  they would notice that  all the authors can describe is:  the character’s actions and feelings, but what is happening through their mind—only a few of them can describe it in a coherent way. Indeed. None can describe what they haven’t ever felt, experienced or seen. Even worse if another has a _psychological_ disorder…. Why would one hurt another, however—why another wouldn’t hurt one? I’ve been asking myself such question at the mean time I’ve lost what I considerate my _moon_ & _sun_.

I stopped reading for a time, just ran my fingers through my somber locks. I felt very still, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo– composed. contemplative. There should be a kind of disturbance racing through my veins each time those visages would evinced into my mind; and yet—– _Nothing_. I don’t believe my moral senses didn’t care about this part of my past, but just try to forget about it. Sometimes, when one can’t face a tragedy, the subconscious would make it easy for them. I suppose this was my case. I was glad. Pretty glad. None wants to keep such event in the register of their memory. However— this will follow me **no matter what**. It’s a part of me, after all. This brought me where I was at the moment. Then—Was this a blessing or a lesson? Where would I be if this wouldn’t have happened? The heaviness of those thoughts provided my eyelids to close and me, to close my book.

* * *

 

Although I was wholly aware of how unhealthy thinking of this was; I couldn’t help myself. My mind was now surrounded by this sole thought. ‘ _If I were_ …’ A long sigh slipped out from me. I averted my gaze toward my windows; as I opened my eyes.

"그 생각을 정지시킬 것…"  
 _Stop thinking of that…_

These were the words I whispered to myself until I noticed a presence adjacent to where I was laying. I turned my head toward this woman. Her arms were crossed about her chest. Her mien was nonchalant. She sure did hear me and could tell the meaning behind my words. I arched my brow— she barely smiled.

"당신은해야. 과연."  
 _You should. Indeed._

"당신이 여기 있다면, 나는 우리가 지금 떠나 가정합니다." I said.  
 _If you here, I suppose, we are leaving now._

She moved her head into a disapproval sign.

"아직도."  
 _Not yet._

After her answer, she made her way toward me. Slowly getting close to my bed. Her eyes were affixed onto the cover of my novel. I looked somewhere else, not the slightest sound has been hear from me— actually, I had nothing to say for the less- for the moment. My attention were focused on my current clothes. Within a week— I would wear clothes with colour. This didn’t please me, but I couldn’t do anything about it. This high school has uniform and each student has the duty to wear it 24/7, this include the pajamas and the PE’s clothes. Fortunately, there are days where the students can wear their casual clothes, but this happen at least one time within two months. I wasn’t someone who needs to wear colour— I am already a colourful person myself. There was no need for me to show it through my clothes. People would usually, automatically identify me as a typical emo; and yet—- I simply wear dark clothes. I didn’t really have a specific style. If I liked a piece of clothing I would buy it, but only if it was black. I could go the typical casual hipster— whatever the style is— to the casual emo. And again, I would stick onto the dark shades. My mother would always remind me that too much dark isn’t good for the health of my spirit and I would always ignore her remarks. I loved my clothes and my _interchangeable style_ of clothes.

"— Stephen King 또 하나의?"  
 _Another Stephen King’s?_

I lifted my head and looked at the nanny sitting next to me; at the edge of my bed. She was holding my book and reading the summary.

"네." I answered.  
 _Yes._

"수업 시간에 너무 많이 읽지 마십시오."  
 _Don’t read too much during class._

"나는 시도 할 것이다."  
 _I will try._

"또한, 당신은 어떻게이에 대해 어떻게 생각하세요? 당신은 안전하지 않은 느낌이 있습니까?"  
 _Also, how do you feel about this? Are you feeling insecure?_

I ran my left hand through my hair and let it solacing itself on my nape. I place myself into a better position; I was sitting. My eyes wandered over my thighs. ‘ _Was I feeling insecure?_ ’ No. Of course not. The idea of going to school, although it would be my first, didn’t scare me or anything. If I just stay still, everything will be fine. My only issue is the communication. My pronunciation in english is quite irritating. My accent is very noticeable. I let out a sigh upon the thought. I turned toward Nanny.

"If you were speaking more before, you wouldn’t be that much bad, if you want my opinion."

Always good at reading people. I could feel a smile forming over my face.

"I—…know." I tried to use the appropriate word.

"At least, you are good at every aspect of the language; either writing and the comprehension. Your only problem is speaking. You better work on that soon if you want to communicate more with your classmates later on, Sweetheart." She said.

‘ _Classmates_ ’. I barely frowned. Honestly, I will go to high school in order to graduate. For me, having friends was at the end of my bucket list. I didn’t think I would have any free time for them also; I love studying. I could already picturing myself in my room learning while listening to music. I couldn’t picture myself with other beings. I am not asocial or anything. I enjoy being by myself at some given moment.

"Oh— You have singing class- a course like this. Your mom told me you picked up such course. You will sing in english most of the time and singing in a language you have some issues with won’t be that much of fun."

"알겠어요. 알겠어요 _!"_  
 _I know. I know!_

I felt a pressure over my left shoulder– her hand was laying, idle. It was furnishing small pats. A delicate smile was upon her visage. While I, wasn’t smiling at all. I knew my mistakes and negligence, I was far from needing a reminder. There was an annoyance growing within me and I could tell that the woman next to me was trying to tranquilize it before it became ardent. 

"I don’t think it will be difficult for you– You learn things pretty fast. It’s just that sometimes; you don’t want to. Am I wrong?"

"I would….. _lathel_ … say _ing_  laziness." I said.

I had for reflex to place my hand over my mouth whenever I mispronounce a word and this simple action caused the other to let out a faint laugh. I couldn’t suppress a growl. Whenever I speak English my Japanese and Korean would come out and honestly; it did really annoy me.

" _Rather_."

"L–Lathel." I repeated.

" _R_ ather."

"알게 뭐야."  
 _Who cares._

Due my accents, ‘L’s turns into 'R’s, 'F’s into 'P’s, 'V’s into 'B’s and vice versa, plus even more. These are a part of my reasons of why I still refuse to speak in english at some times. A lot of people think it is endearing while it wasn’t. Seriously.

“You won’t be thinking this in a week.” She pointed out.

“—-배가고파요.”  
 _I’m hungry._

I shifted to the other side of the bed, then I stood up while picking up my novel. I walked toward my desk and picked up my bag then slowly made my way toward the door. 

"Shirō—"

I placed my hand on the knob, turned it then went out of my bedroom. My footsteps leaded me toward the stairs. I made my way to the kitchen where my mother was doing whatever– I didn’t lend any attention to her doing, I placed my bag on the counter as I sat down on one of those high stools. The instant I lent my attention on the novel; my ears ensured a remark– which evoked my annoyance. 

"Those books are so wrong…. how can you read such thing…"

_"Simpah_ ; Just reading." I replied.

" _Simple_ and _read."_

This oppressed correction caused me to growl barely. Pointing out my mistakes has the gift to automatically irritate me. I lifted my right hand and slowly brought it to the level of my eyes; my fully attention has been lent on my nails, yet, I still listened to this Nanny.

‘"あなたが真剣に私のミスのすべてのを修正するつもりですか?"  
Are you seriously going to correct every of my mistakes?

"You already know I will, silly."

My mother walked and placed herself in front of me, she arranged her blond lock from her forehead. There was a bright smile on her visage. I lifted my eyes to her. A laugh came out of her.

"If we put too much pressure onto him, he won’t perform that well, Yûmi. Going slowly should be better." I felt her hand on top of my head; it was furnishing small caresses.

"Miss Jennifer— he is a **growing** young _man_. Thankfully, he learns things fast, because if we would’ve really used this _slow way_ with him, who knows where he would’ve been in his studies."

_"Ah_ , Yûmi! My babyboy is—"

"—-私たちは既に残すことはできますか?’’  
 _Can we just leave already?_

I could feel both of their eyes on me as a thin silence settled down within the air around us. I placed my hands over the counter for support; then stood up. I gave a quick glance to my watch, it was around five in the afternoon, pretty close to the six. The school will close at nine. The freshmen and sophomores; their part are in the morning while the juniors and seniors the afternoon. I guess, we needed to pick up the uniform and prepare our room, etc. I didn’t really want to be late nor I wanted to stay there for too long. We should hurry and leave as soon as we get there. I turned toward the blonde, she didn’t understand my words; after all she was far from understanding the Japanese. However, she was fluent in Korean.

‘’배가고파요.’’  
 _I am hungry._

A pause.

“우리가 떠나야한다 , 또한.”  
 _And, it’ll be good if we leave already._

"I will get you something while we will be on the way, darling." My mother looked at her phone. "We should _really_ leave, so when we will be done we could go to a restaurant. Your father finish at nine o’clock. I will call him. It won’t bother you to have dinner with us, Yûmi? Well, it won’t be the first time, though."

The nanny simply showed a warm smile and showed a positive answer. I picked up my bag as I slowly walked toward the front door. My mother turned off the lights, picked up her own car keys and handbag, I didn’t want to drive, all I wanted at the moment was reading. Yûmi followed us and we went out of the house. We got in the car. Both women in the front and me, in the back. I put on my headphones and automatically lost myself within another world and wished none would disturb me. How frustrating it is when someone violates my personal space while I am trying to be in my own little peace.

* * *

 

Thirty minutes and such we were already in front of the school as my mom was finding a proper place to park us. I am glad my mother brought _hwajeon_ during our way, because I didn’t think I would make it until here. I turned my way to the side and looked through the window. Two huge buildings with different compartments. The biggest was obviously the school and the other, the dormitories. Those two were old, but they had charm. Their walls surely hided old secrets. Beside all, everything was green. This didn’t really pleased me; knowing I will be surrounded with small forests and a river. My uneasiness has surely been reflected upon my face, because my mother didn’t hesitate to comfort me as she opened the door and let me get out. She opened the car trunk and picked up my middle-sized suitcase. In the papers we received from the school, it said the the school would borrow to each student; sheet, pillow, etc; yet me, I would rather sleep with my own. Plus, I will make my room as comfortable as I would like. 

We made our in the school; a student greeted us, asked my name and looked through some documents. I took the time to take a careful look around me. The inside of the school wasn’t that much old. Unless they made some renovations, because the decoration was somehow modern and quite charming. My eyes met my mother’s. One of her arms came to solace upon my shoulders. With a meager movement she brought me closer to her. I turned my attention to the student. She handed me a file and a key. The number; 301. _My room_.

"Your locker is the 301b. Have a good evening."

So the other person—my roommate— already came. I thanked the girl and Yûmi, my mother and I walked toward the dorms. While we were on our way, my mother was narrating me her sweet memories of her teenagers years. How agreeable and nice her moments in this school were. How she has met my father. I was carefully listening— her words were kinda interesting, despite the countless times I’ve already heard them. Adults love to tell their children how High School will be such a great experience in their life, but we all are cognizant of the other side of this experience. Pointless it is to be optimistic, but we could always try to be. 

As we reached my room, I passed the key in the lock then opened the door. I turned on the light. The first word that came to my head was; small. This room was small or I was just too used to have big spaces. My own room was bigger than this. Still, there were two beds in this room and two desks. There was another door; the bathroom. I walked in and something catch my attention. My roommate must be someone really clean and well organized and surely— a girl. I could feel this roommate was a girl. And it must has been a fact. My mother and Yûmi came in. My roommate took the bed next to the wall and let me the one under the window; I am glad _she_ did.

"This place really **did** change." pointed out my mother as she looked at her surroundings.

"Shirō, your roommate must be a—"

"Female." finished the Nanny’s sentence. "I… t-thought.. the same."

My mom opened my suitcase and turned toward me.

"Let’s make your bed."

I simply nodded and helped my mother to make my bed. I looked again the other bed and I couldn’t suppress my smirk. This girl brought her own stuff. I could tell she did, because the school’s sheets and pillow weren’t of a bright colour. They were shade. White. Yûmi, when it came to her, she placed the other things that were in the suitcase on my desk. From the corner of my eyes, I saw her reading a note.

"이게 뭐예요, 유모?"  
 _What is it, Nanny?_

"[…] _the students are attended at the secretariat to pick up their uniforms_. […]"

She turned toward us. I sat on the bed. This matelas was amazingly comfortable. Yûmi looked at me and gave me a warm small then looked at my mother.

‘’We should go get his uniforms now, shall we? Unless, you have to check more things here?’’ she said as she looked at me once more.

I stood up and looked at the room in general. _If I could paint those walls, I would be very satisfied and more comfortable with this new atmosphere, but I can’t. Unfortunately._ I picked up my bag, and looked at my mother.

"So?" she asked.

"우리가 갈 수."  
 _We can go._

I let them go out first then closed the door behind me. I locked it. We went downstairs and walk toward the secretariat. My mother leaded the way. After all, she went to this high school with my father. They were some students here and there. I didn’t realize one were staring until my eyes met his in a second. Why would he stare? Staring at people like this is kinda rude, but whatever. As we reached our desired place, Yûmi went with me. My mother waited outside. In a way, Yûmi was my tutor, so she could sign for me. The secretary was nice, she even tried to get into a conversation with me.

"Shirō O’connor, you are one of the two new students in the senior grade, Welcome."

"T-Thank you." I said.

I didn’t stutter because of any shyness, but rather of mispronunciation.

"Such a cute young man; is he your son?" the woman spoke to Yûmi.

"No, he isn’t."

Yûmi is barely taller than me. Only few inches. When we will go somewhere together, people would always mistaken us for mother and son. Even thought we both are asian and look pretty alike; we are far from being blood related. She was Vietnamese and me, Korean and Japanese. 

‘’So, do you like the school? It’s pretty, isn’t it?’’

"…Yes."

Some voices coming from behind got my attention. I was half paying attention to the people around me, but those from the outside. I recognized a voice; Mother and the other, surely a student. I could tell my mother was giving the other student a lecture, which I was sure they didn’t really care. My mother never appreciated arrogant, rude and etc, teenagers like this. When one would disrespected her, she would has no shame to correct them and put them in their place, even thought it, sometimes, makes me feel ashamed. She can make a scene in so little seconds. 

"Who do you think you are talking to, young man?!"

I couldn’t hear well what the other presence has said, but I sure did hear a sound. 

"Lord! Darling– Come here! Now!"

"Is.. is everything okay?" asked the secretary.

Nanny and I, looked at each other. She made a sign for me to hurry and go see my mother as she picked up my uniforms. I sighed and left the secretariat. The instant I passed beside the door, my eyes were affixed onto a body, laying on the floor. This person was probably half conscious at the first sight. _Pressure drop_? I raised my brows and looked at my mother.

_What the actual…—_

"Sweetheart, looking at me won’t help this young man to stand up!"

My brows would instinctively arch; my visage would crack into a barely visible grimace. This guy didn’t need to be on his feet to let me know he was a giant. I knew he was. I gave my mother my bag and lowered my stature. I took his left arm, gently placed it over my shoulders. My free arm snaked around his torso. _‘What is this..’_ This… there was a odd texture up his sides close to his ribs. Albeit he was wearing something, this texture didn’t pass unnoticed under my touch. _‘This guy is injured.’_ I lifted my body slowly, carefully, and both of us were now standing, me fully but, him, he knees were somehow, bend. I feel a movement from him. He was trying to push me away. He wasn’t the only one who wanted to move away here. I didn’t like the idea of having the weight of a complete stranger upon my body. My personal space has been violated. I let out an inaudible growl. He was heavy and tall. I was glad that I had muscles. Because, this guy would’ve been a giant burden to carry. I looked at Yûmi as she joined us. She looked at us. 

"Care to explain?" 

"He ran into me, we had some little _conversation_ , then, all of sudden, he fell onto the floor." She got closer to me and him. She looked at the redhead, examining his current state. "My elbow hit him when we had contact. He must be hurt."

_‘He must has been injured before.’_ I thought, an elbow couldn’t do such dommage. I looked at my mother. 

"그냥 서둘러."  
 _Let’s just hurry, already._

My voice was calm, I tried to not sound as annoyed as I was. Yûmi didn’t stop staring at him until we started to walk. Did she notice? Probably. As we were walking another resistance came from him, but unfortunately, he slipped and the meager space between us was **wholly** nonexistent. My jaw clenched barely. His visage was at a place that made me quite uncomfortable in addition of annoying me; my neck.

"Bring me to my room."

I looked at him from the corner of my eyes. I looked up at my mother and Nanny.

"그는 자신의 방으로 데려를 원하십니다."  
 _He wants us to bring him to his room._

"Where is his room?" asked Yûmi.

I inclined my head a little. I forced myself to speak of the best english I could. I surprised myself.

"Where is your room? Hey, do you hear me…"

A thin silence.

"Where is your room?"

"…201…’’ he said.

With such accent, I didn’t hear well. I echoed him.

"201?"

"My room… идиот ."

_What language was this? And what did he call me_ —? I didn’t know nor I could even bother to ask because he became suddenly heavier. He fainted. With the things they had in their hands, both women couldn’t help me to carry this guy when we passed by the stairs. Luckily, I had force, a lot. As we were now upstairs, we made our way toward his room. My hand slid slowly down his pants— to his pocket. I was lucky his key was there. I picked it up then opened the door. My mother helped me to lay the guy on his beds. _Hold on_ — he was alone in his room.  _‘Could I do this too?’_  As both me and my mother placed him correctly on the beds, Yûmi spoke and what she said didn’t surprise me but my mother.

"Could you guys leave? I would like to check on this young man by myself. We didn’t go to the nurse, so it will be better to let me do some verifications.’’

"Always so caring— take your time. Come on, my Darling, let’s go outside."

"서둘러." I said to Yûmi.  
 _Hurry._

_‘Ah, she did notice.’_ I turned around and left the room with my mother, she closed the door behind us.

Once we were outside, my mother looked at me silently. She ran one of her hand through my hair. I gave her an idle look. 

"He will might become your classmate, but don’t get too close to this guy. He is a very rude person." Her visage had a serious expression. "I feel like he will have such a bad influence over you. Speak to him as much as you want, but don’t be too close. Okay? I have a bad feeling."

I looked at her silently. I crossed my arms over my chest then looked straight before me. I don’t think him and I would ever get close to each other nor like I planned to get close to anyone here. And my mother she overreact a lot. She just to the conclusion as fast as the light, only when it comes to me. I am sixteen. She must relax herself.

I looked at the ceiling. I placed my hair. Looked at my phone. I tried to distract myself, but it was long. Waiting. Waiting was a pain and was incredibly annoying. My mother was talking to the phone with one of my aunts. I could read, but I wasn’t in the right mental state to actually read. This guy will take hours before waking up, my impression told me. I looked at the floor then sat down. My mother looked at me.

"Sweety. The floor must be dirty, stand up." she said.

"상관없어요."  
 _I don’t care._

Anyway, I felt like we were about to stay here for a long time, so better to suit ourselves now.

* * *

 

"You really aren’t pleased, are you?"

Since she said I needed to perform my english, Yûmi haven’t spoke any of my native languages. It didn’t bother me. Far from it. 

"We.. w-waited thou houls."

_"Two hours_. I am aware. But, your mother insisted to make sure he was alright before leaving. Should I remind you he fainted?"

Honestly, I didn’t care. Waiting two hours for a person that tried to push me away. I expected a ‘thank you’, but at the same time, I wouldn’t like the same thing to happen to me. I wouldn’t like knowing someone, a stranger, brought me to my private place. Honestly. But, I would show some gratefulness. But whatever. Instead of spending one hour there, we spent three. My stomach was screaming for satisfaction and listening to my mom gossiping with my aunt wasn’t really agreeable. I could feel a headache growing slowly within my being. I even forgot my suitcase there. But, nothing important has been left into it. I thought and I hoped.

But this wasn’t the matter.

"당신은주의 했는가?"  
 _Did you notice?_

I was sitting in my bed, holding my iPad. I was reading a fiction online. It was around ten pm. My family and I just came back from the restaurant. I took a bath and I was now comfortably sat in my bed with Yûmi standing beside me. She was still wearing her clothes while me, my pajamas. Her expression on her face was nonchalant. 

"私でした."  
 _I did._

She didn’t want any intrusive ear to understand our conversation. I let out a laugh.

"私は彼が病院に行くとは思いません." I said.  
 _I don't think he will go to the hospital._

Yûmi looked through the window of my room as she crossed her arms. I could see a small smile on her lips, then it vanished. She seems lost in her thoughts.

"彼は悪い人ではありません." she said.  
 _He isn’t a bad person._

Upon hearing those words I raised a brow; intrigued. How could she even tell?

"私はあなたのお母さんはあなたが何をしたいのかを知っています. 彼女に耳を傾けないように言っていません. でも--- 私はあなたたちは友人になることができると思います."  
 _I know what your mom want you to do. I am not saying you shouldn’t listen to her says. But--- I think you guys could be friends._

Her head shifted toward me, our eyes met. She smiled gently. Me befriend this guy? At this time, I didn’t think I would need any friend. It wasn’t on my plan. I didn’t see that. It wasn’t in my mind. All I was thinking was; studying. All I had in my head was my dream job. I didn’t say I don’t want any friend. What I am saying is; it wasn’t in my priorities at the moment. I won’t push anyone a way except if they are bothersome.

"彼はあなたのタイプです."  
 _He is your type._

"ナンセンス."  
 _Nonsense._

I didn’t remember having a type? Since when did I even have a type? What was she saying? I couldn’t suppress a laugh. I didn’t have a type for any gender. If I were attracted to someone I just would be. Who cares how they look or who they are. I wasn’t that type of people and this guy, honestly I didn’t believe he would reach my standards. I didn’t believe _anyone_ would ever reach them. By the way, I will go to school for studying not for having any romance or friendship. That were the say of my father. School is for knowledge not experience. 

"Haha---- I am just joking here, but we never know."

"--- 충분 해!"  
 _\---That’s enough!_


	5. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a lot of suffering going on, albeit healed, it seems like things couldn't go even worst for Kirill.

Walking was hard. The burnt on my groin had started to heal, but I could still feel it as I made my way to the lab's main room where my uncle was working. It had been a couples of days since the last time he did beat me. I was glad. School was starting soon and my ribs were almost completely back to normal, thanks to that lady. I kept her number in my phone thought I won't use it, ever. It was a shame someone had to see me in such a pathetic position. My uncle never asked about the bandage or why I was late that night, probably thinking I had put them on myself.

“There you are. I wanted to talk to you about something.” he said.

"About what?” 

"About your futur job.”

“What job...” I said, sitting on the table next to my uncle.

“Well, I have some... debt toward an old friend of mine who used to do research with me...”

“And...?”

“Well his son has a business and he need someone so I said you would do it, so that way we are even of any debt.”

“You sold me. You fucking sold me?! Whats the name of his... business?”

“...Mama's Fantasia...”

“It's a strip club. You sold me, no wait, my body to a strip club?!”

“That would be a great opportunity for you to make some friends and money...”

“Ughhh...”

“Stop being so childish. You'll start working as soon as your back will be healed.”

“But my back isn't injured...”

“Yet.”

My eyes fixed him and a small trail of panic ran its way on my spine. I thought I would be good for school, but I was wrong. He would beat me, again. For no damn reason.

“I have an experiment to do and I need to test them on someone alive.”

“So, it has to be me.”

“Who else? I just wanna be sure I'm with someone who doesn't call the police.”

“And you think I won’t?”

“You won’t. I know you, Kirill.”

I looked away and sighed. He was right, if he was in prison the police would probably send me back to the hospital. I didn’t wanted that and he knew it. I couldn't do anything but agree to his request.

“What are you going to do?”

“It’s a surprise.”

It was a trap, yeah.

“I'm not into this unless you tell me what you're going to do!”

“Oh... alright. I'm going to simulate a lightning strike that will hit you, I want to see if it's gonna affect in any way your cerebral activity or directly make a change in the way your brain make you hear and see the _‘voices’_ in your head.”

“Why on my back?”

“Because the marks left by the lightning strike are going to be big and colourful, so it will be easier to hide them if they're on your back.”

“Makes sense... I guess.”

“I miss the old times when you were crying and begging me not to hurt you. Now, you just agree on everything I do and outside the pained sounds you make there is no cry or tears anymore, I'm disappointed.”

“You're a freak.”

“And you're the monster. Now let’s begin, shall we.” he smiled.

He made a sign for me to follow him to the test table and told me to lay on my stomach. He then proceeded to tie my hands and feet to the table with leather straps that were really uncomfortable. I was about to turn my face on the side to be in a more convenient position when my uncle stopped me.

“Put your chin on the table, you need to bite into this.” he said, holding a small piece of plastic similar to a gum shield in front of my face. “Exactly like when you were on the chair.”

“I remember.” I whispered as he put the plastic piece in my mouth.

I couldn't forget.

He then started to pierce into my skin with some sort of needles all along my spine and one spot on my shoulder blades where the bones were peaking.

“The darker bruises would be concentrate on these places. Now, bite as hard as you want, it’s going to be a horrible amont of pain.” he said. Joy could be hear in his voice.

I closed my eyes.

Waiting.

For the pain.

Like I always did.

 _'You deserved this',_ I thought _._  That were the words I was repeating to myself as the pain ran through me in long agonizing waves. My heart was pounding in my chest, I had to take deep breathes to stay conscious.

I felt heavy and my own scream felt far from my ears. I was falling fast into the darkness and fighting was pointless at this point. The obscurity was not something unknown from me, but being stuck there with all those voices was still frightening me of some sort.

The pain was unbearable and I couldn't help but escape in the darkness.

One more time.

* * *

 

The next day I couldn't move at all. I awoke in my _bed_ laying on my stomach and the only things I could move were my eyes. Panic had raised at first, but rapidly I started to calm down as there was nothing I could possibly do anyway.

I concentrated on the sounds in the lab, there were any. I was alone. My eyes wandered around until they fell to my phone. I knew I said I wouldn't call that woman, but I was in a really bad situation. Bad enough to ask her help, right? I just couldn't stay here. Not now. But I couldn't move either. I tried my best to grab my phone as my hands were barely listening to me. The pain was horrible, in my back, arms, shoulders and neck. At least I was shirtless so the raw fabric of a shirt wasn't rubbing against my skin.

When I finally had my phone in hand, I froze. Should I really do that? Was it a good idea to ask a perfect stranger to get me out of here? She would know where I live. She could call the police without telling me.

_‘You know she is not like that. You can trust her.’_

It had been a while since the last time one of the voices has talked to me. It was that feminine voice again. The one that seemed to want my happiness, that always helped me. It was a good voice.

“Are you sure?”

My voice was low, barely audible. But the voice could hear it. They could all hear it.

_‘Yes. You need to get out of here. To get away from him. He's a danger for you, for us. He doesn't care about you, he only wants the power you have.’_

“What power?”

_‘The power to live normally with the voices. No one can do that, people lose their mind, stop taking care of themselves. You can use us to know things the others would take an hour to guess. He wants to know how you can stay in control, he’s afraid of you. If you can control the voices and the power that comes with us and stay in perfect control, you could perfectly get rid of him. He knows it. So, he's trying to stop you before you figure out by yourself how to control that power.’_

“What power exactly are you talking about?”

_‘All the powers that come when you can control the total capacity of your brain. But you need to want those powers in order to learn how to control them. You need to be ready.’_

“Ready for what?”

_‘Mal.’_

“Mal?”

_‘He's the definition of evil. He lives in the darkness. The only ones who can see him during the days are the ones with a dark past. All those power are in him. If you can control Mal, nothing can control you.’_

“How can I see him?”

_‘He will appear to you when your heart have something to fight for.’_

“My heart... What does that mean?”

Silence. Not even a whisper. Nothing.

I shook my head and started composing the women's number.

What was I even gonna say? I didn't even knew her name, and I didn't gave her mine.

I called anyway and waited, secretly wishing she wouldn't answer so I wouldn't make a fool of myself. After three tones, she finally answered.

“Hello?” she called out.

“Hi... I'm the student you helped the other day...”

“Oh, hi! Are you alright, you sound pretty exhausted?”

“I am... pretty injured and I try to keep my strength as much as I can. I call, because... I need help..”

“How bad are you injured? Are you bleeding?” she asked.

“I don't know, I can't feel my body, I can't really move, it hurts like hell and by the smell I can say there is blood, but I don't know how much.”

“What happened?”

“I... can't.”

“It’s alright, I won’t force you to telling me anything. What kind of bruises do you have?”

“Promise me you won't call the police. If you do they will send me back there and I can't...” I said.

“Tell me.”

“Please, just don’t call the police...”

“I won't. Just tell me what happened, you don’t have to tell me who did that to you, just tell me what kind of injuries do you have.” I said.

“Lightning strike... I got hit by a lightning strike on my back a couples of hours ago, I was unconscious. It was a test... it went on much longer than a real lightning strike...”

“Where are you?” 

“I will send you the address. I'm in the basement under the house, there's a door on the left side, I have a spare key behind the shield that decorate the door.”

I typed the address rapidly and pressed the send button.

“I'm on my way.” she reassured.

“Thank you.”

“No problem.”

“You can't stay there for too long. I don’t know how much time you have.”

“We have. You'll come with me.” she said.

“How? I can't... I can't even stand.”

“We'll find a way, I promise.”

“ ... Alright.”

As I waited, she kept talking to me the whole time. As if it was important that I kept on talking. She asked me how I was feeling, if I could still hear her or if I could move. By the time she arrived, I was feeling so weak that I couldn't keep my eyes open and talking was taking to much of my energy. I smiled at her when she found me. It was the only thing I could do to show her I was fine, that I was thanking her for doing this to me. For helping me, when no one did. I was trying to stay awake, I even found the strength to stand and walk to her car even if my body was leaving me. It was my way of thanking her. I didn't talk but she was listening to my silence, reading it. The way her hand would from time to time pose itself on mine was enough for me to understand. She was comforting me, with human warmth. Something I hasn't felt for years. I was craving that touch, the one that is not forced or impure, just the one that said : _'I care'_.

When we arrived, she helped me to get out of the car and walk upstairs in a room where she laid me on my stomach and treated my wounds and scars. I couldn't help the whines and growls that were escaping from my mouth, the marks were really sensitive and the pain was too extreme. Again, she was comforting me, but this time with words and even that, it wasn't something I was used to.

As she was cleaning my back, my body was shaking from sobbing. Uncontrollably. The sobbing finally changed into cry and I couldn't stop myself. Her hand was playing in my hair, but she didn't say anything. For the first time in my life, I didn't felt bad for crying, I didn't felt weak. She wasn't enjoying seeing me cry but she wasn't stopping me either, telling me it was fine, it was right. It was sane.

At some point, I heard a knock on the door. She told the person to enter in the room and close the door. It was that voice again. The boy from last time. My voice had returned to loud sobbing and my hands were gripping into the sheets as she rubbed alcohol on my back. I could feel the other's presence at my side. He wasn't touching me, but I could feel his eyes staring at me. I couldn't look at him, not now, not like that. My body was tense from the pain. I turned my head toward him, my eyes closed tight and my hands still gripping the sheets. I felt him sitting next to me as the woman asked him to help her on treating the rest of the marks on my neck and arms. I was calmer now, the sobbing were almost gone, some could be heard from time to time but not that much. I was still tense, though. As if my body was preparing itself for more pain, pain that did came as they were pressing bandages on my cuts.

“Sweetheart, this is going to hurt, okay? There is a cut that I need to sew alright?”

I didn't answer but hold the sheets even tighter, I knew she understood as she started piercing the needle into my ravaged skin.

A loud cry escaped from me as I automatically tried to move away from the pain, but my body wouldn't listen. I felt my tears falling down and the boy gently placed his hand on my jaw. His touch was soft, gentle and warm, I instinctively tensed my jaw, but I couldn't help but lean into the touch. It calmed me in a matter of seconds. I didn't feel the pain anymore, all my focus was on this touch. _His_ touch.

I opened my eyes and looked at him.

He was smiling at me.

I was tamed.

* * *

 

The next day was the first day of school.

The woman had insist for me to sleepover, but even if I would’ve agreed, I’d still leave during the night to go back to the lab. I couldn't help it. I was a monster used to its cage.

My back was still torturing me and moving was more than hard, but, at least, I could walk. So, I faked. Faked to be fine, faked to be normal.

During all my first period I felt dizzy. I didn't want to go see the nurse thought. She would call my uncle. It was the last thing that I wanted. So, I decided to go see the psychologist, it would give me an excuse to miss a part of the next class and I could stay put and do nothing even if that meant listening to that stupid man again.

As I walked to his office, I started to see black spots, I rested against a wall for a moment when my attention was dragged to something in the hall. I blinked a couple of times to be sure it wasn't because of the spots, but the thing started walking toward me. It was a wolf, with fur as black as the night, he was looking directly at me but what got my attention the most were his eyes, they were exactly like mine.

As I moved toward him, he turned around and ran down the hallway. I followed him around a corner where I found him sitting in front of the psychologist office. He was looking at me again, but his body was turned toward the door. I slowly walked closer until the light on the ceiling started to flash. I looked up and the light returned to its normal function. I frowned and looked back at the wolf who had disappeared in a second.

Did he wanted me to come here?

To go in the office?

I shook my head and opened the door in a fast movement.

He was there, the boy from yesterday, the memory that was hunting me. He looked exactly like Yüki.

My vision got blurry as I turned toward the older man.

“Kirill are you okay?” the man asked.

“No...” I answered, before falling to the ground.

Darkness.


	6. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the first meeting between both boys, one tries take to a risk and makes the first step.

I gave a violent start as I was suddenly awake – again. I could feel how damp was my skin, clammy even as I was laid staring blankly up at the darkened ceiling amid my current lodgings. Willing my pulse to calm, I grit my teeth with unadulterated frustration. A nightmare. I was unable to deny that even after all this time, the dreaded nightmare of seeing such _scene_ would still have this effect upon me. Still—who could put blame on me? There were so many reasons that have been held. So many of them were relevant enough to evoke a self-loathing within me and yet; negative. I couldn’t. I was unwilling even. I glanced over to my left, kicking the blanket off and sat myself on the mattress. As I took notice to an all too familiar piece set upon my shelf, I reached out for it, taking it within my hand. With a gentle brush of is my hand over the wooden frame, I swept the light dust onto it. There was a sense of helplessness despite my face lacking emotion. I shouldn’t feel this way; especially not on this day. I lifted my chin barely, my gaze reached toward the near calendar. Today’s day has been circled with a red marker; start of the school year. I then looked at my clock. 05:03 Am. I placed the photo frame to its respective place then stood up on my feet. I took some seconds to make my bed then made my way toward my bathroom; where I would prepare myself.

My lids slowly closed. For a moment I remained idle, neither a sound, nor even a hushed whisper was heard from me— only the sounds coming from the shower. Something did get my concern—my intrigue. The moment from yesterday couldn’t help itself to reminisce itself within my memory. Why did he shoulder this on his own, why not let those who truly loved and cared for him or even strangers aid him in this burden? Did he have any? I rested my face into one of my palm, as my mind reeling with questions unanswered.

* * *

 

Those sounds. My ears ensured them. The instant they reverberated within the air; this new atmosphere, my sense couldn’t not feel it. Laments. Plaints. A little more; I could almost feel another’s torment through my veins, the tears veiling their vision even. I closed my novel and placed it aside. I shifted my body and stood up from my desk. With one step after another, I made my way out of my bedroom that I’d been residing for a long time. This agony was coming from Yûmi’s room; sure tone wasn’t her for sure. There was obviously another presence by her side. I looked at the door silently. There was no hesitation within my doing and gesture; still something held me back. Contemplativeness. It wasn’t the kind of the Nanny to bring anyone under our roof without letting know, at least, one of us; however if she ever did, it was for a major cause. And during that time; one was suffering. I hadn’t the slightest idea of who she was helping and yet, I was sure of one thing; hearing their sobbing was something I hated. I definitely hated hearing this. My hand slowly raised up and furnished a sole knock. 

“Come in. Make sure to close the door behind you.” said the woman.

“Yûmi, 누가 당신과 함께 무엇입니까?”   
_Who is there with you, Yûmi?_

* * *

 

As those words were escaping from me, I opened the door. I let myself in and closed the door behind me. I breathed a heavy, stressed sigh upon the sight that has been presented before my eyes. A sight that momentarily placed my tongue under silence. The shock should have stopped me from making any movement and yet; I’ve found myself at the side of the person. My eyes wandered— roamed along the spine up to the neck of this familiar being. ‘Him? Again…?‘. I couldn’t take my eyes off of his slew back. Electroshocks? Those should’ve been strong. Strong enough to simulate those from a lightning strike. The lines of nerves and veins were wholly visible— same for the lines of his vertebral column. The wounds and bruises… ‘Did the person try to mess with his nerves? Or did I read too many books? No… This person either did a lot of research or they are a pure psycho. Sure they are. Hurting such young person this way is a gesture of a psycho, just the simple fact they went this far…—’  I pulled on the nearest chair, brought it close then sat on it.

“Take care of his arms and neck.”

I took the necessities to do such. During the moment Yûmi and I were treating his pain as much as we could; he seemed to have tranquilized a little. His laments and sobs would time to time reach our eardrums. His whole body was still tense. My eyes have lent their attention upon his visage. A face whom crinkles of pain were visible. I made sure my doings were delicate, still; albeit how gentle I could be, the pain would remain. After all… The cause was pretty beyond us. It annoyed me, and yet; my curiosity didn’t pass unnoticed. Was there a meaningful reason behind those acts? If so, were these acts the best way to proceed? I let out an inaudible sigh.

I heard the woman spoke to the young man and a strong cry came from him. The instant I’ve heard such sound, my right hand lifted up and placed under his jaw, my fingers were arched enough to cup his jawline. Within a slow motion, my fingers moved one after another; each was furnishing a gentle patting. While my thumb, didn’t hesitate to caress his skin. My first intention was calming him then comforting. Touching such place should be almost awkward. Still. Where else could have I touched him? And plus…— ‘Oh?‘ I’ve felt a movement from him. He solaced even more into my hold. His muscles seemed to have been relaxed. ‘I did calm him…’ I noticed the intense gaze of the Nanny upon the both of us. I didn’t stop my action until I’ve felt another pair of eyes upon me; his. My lips curved up; showing a smile. Our eyes met. His were swollen due the countless tears shed and mine; I didn’t know. But, he didn’t stop looking at me. My smile has soften. I didn’t know what to say. I simply smiled. If it could cheer up, the better.

It didn’t take too long before I finished treating the bruises and injuries. The woman and I finished applying the last needed bandages along his back. I tried to make another visual contact with him, but it seemed to be pointless. I could tell he didn’t want to.

“Darling, could you help him to sit?” asked Yûmi.

I nodded at her and bent toward the direction of the other guy. One of my hand reached to him in order to catch his arm; he flinched. Literally. My brow arched upon this. I looked up to the nanny. There was a small smile on her visage. The second time I tried, it was clear I was too much within his personal space. He made it pretty clear through his doings. ‘Why…’ Sure. The reason was quite obvious. My previous, some minutes ago, action hasn’t been welcomed by him. Even I, myself, wouldn’t be able to know what’s gotten into me for doing this. I just did. Now thinking about it made me feel uneasy. I looked at the lady once again. She repeated my action and it did work for her. She helped him and he sat down onto the mattress. My eyes were automatically focused onto his slew back. While Yûmi engendered a conversation in which I wasn’t involved, I didn’t stop staring at the anatomy before my eyes. The nerves and veines were wholly visible, same thing for the line of his vertebral column. I gave a quick glance to my surroundings. This guy came here without any shirt on. I was quite sure he wouldn’t stay here if Yûmi ever asked him. ‘Should I borrow him one of my shirts?’ I lifted my gaze upon the woman. Our eyes met. I made a sign about my intention of leaving the room and I did. 

I went out of the room and walked toward mine. I made my way to my wardrobe then opened it. It took my two minutes to pick up the right shirt for him. A large-black pullover. I hoped it will fit him. I closed my wardrobe then made my way toward the room. I opened the door again and both of them were standing up, surely they were about to leave. One step after another, I diminished the separation between me and the redhead, until, I was standing next to him. It was upon this moment I noticed the height gap between the both of us. He had a head and few inches more than I. My forehead was at the level of his shoulders. It did evoke within me a light irritation, but I brushed it out of me. As I handed the piece of clothing toward him, the person behind spoke to him.

“It would be good if you wear this as you’re planning on leaving. Going outside walking down the street with those bandages exposed to whomever wants to see would attract a lot of problems to you. You should wear his pullover.” She then spoke to me. “It’s really nice of you, Darling.”

My eyes remained onto him. I was looking at him carefully. I could see this hint of hesitation within his eyes as they were looking at the piece of clothing I was holding. He didn’t want to. But— After a moment, he picked it up, but the way he did got me. Something within his manners irritated me. My presence was definitely a plague to him. But there was also something else… I felt like there was another reason.

Or I was overreacting?

* * *

 

“그는 과잉 반응 하나입니다…” I growled to myself.  
 _He is the one who overreacted._

He sure did. I turned off the waters, wrapped myself into a towel and went out of the shower. I looked at myself within this glass. I dried my hair and combed them with a lot of care. I surely did want to look good on my first day of school—correction; I always wanted to look good on any day. Today was just like the others. Plus, my hair is the main aspect of my appearance that brought into me this much confidence, just before my eyes. With it came to them, I hesitated to use or not my eyeliner. I finally relinquished to use it. Anyway. I walked of my bathroom than placed myself in front my wardrobe. I picked up my uniform and put it on. The suit jacket was of a dark blue. The shirt obviously white. The tie; red and the pants, they were of a light beige. I untied a little the tie. Having things along my neck always made me feel like I am being chocked. The only things I can put on, are necklaces. Not even a scarf or whatever it is. With my uniform on, I walked toward my desk and prepared my stuff. Wednesday. On this first of school my schedule was; Philosophy, English, Math, Arts, Spanish and Basketball. I placed in the first bag the necessary stuff for each courses, for the other, I placed some personal stuff. I only didn’t pick up my stuff for philosophy. My mother told me I would miss the first period. Somehow I wasn’t glad, but at the same time very intrigued. She didn’t tell me why I will, but I guess it’s because we will be late. I picked up my two bags then left my room. I walked downstairs and made my way toward the kitchen where two arms welcomed me. With this amount of perfume I knew it my mother.

“Good morning, Dear. Have you slept well?” she asked.

It took me some seconds before answering. Both of my parents and Yûmi weren’t aware of my nightmares. They only knew I had a lot before, back my childhood. They thought I’ve stopped. But I didn’t. I couldn’t let them know I still made a lot of them. I was quite unwilling to let them know about all of this.

“네.”  
 _Yes._

She tilted backward and placed a kiss on my forehead before dragging me into the kitchen. My father was there with the other lady. I walked toward the man and sat next to him at the table. I noticed the little smirk on his lips and the way he was looking at me. It didn’t pass unnoticed for me. I supposed the uniform amused him but I was wrong once I’ve heard his remark at my regard.

’'I thought the uniform would have made you look manlier, but I was wrong.“ He said.

"나는 남자 다운입니다." I growled.  
 _I am manly._

The only answer I earned from this man was a laugh. A small laugh and honestly, it did annoy me a lot. My mother placed the breakfast before us. I look at clock and took note of the time. 07:00 AM. This school started very early at 07:30m AM. Before all of this I used to wake up around 09 and 10 AM. No wonder why I was pretty tired when I was eating my breakfast. My father finished first as he was the first to leave for job. Me and my mother followed. Yûmi stayed at home, she hugged me before I left. My mother and I then left. During the way, I almost was tired, but not enough to actually fall asleep. Despite this, I still asked my mother to get a cup a coffee as I needed it to take no risk in falling asleep during any of my courses. It would make a bad impression, especially as it was the first day of school. 

After forty minutes; we reached my new school. My mother hugged me. Her embrace was so strong, I thought I would choke and still, I didn’t push her away. I let her did her doings. She looked at me. Wished me luck and ‘See you this weekend.’ I picked up my bags and got out of the car. Outside, it was empty, I supposed I was the only student late, but it wasn’t a matter. I walked into the school. Before going to my course, I decided to go to my room to leave my bags there. I walked upstairs, reached my room. Opened the door and went it. I placed my bags on my bed. I opened one and took my agenda, pencil case and English binder. While I did, I couldn’t ask myself, why I would even miss the first period. Was there a meaningful reason? I zipped my bag and walked toward the door. Before I could even open it, I’ve heard a knock. I opened it and my eyes fell onto a man. I looked up at him. Casual clothes, barely professional. A teacher? No. A teacher wouldn’t waste one of their course to look after a new student. I barely squinted my eyes at him.

“I knew I’ll find you here… Shirō O’Connor, hello.” He greeted.

“Hi…?”

The man laughed happily and somehow pleased. He didn’t need to say why he did laugh. I could tell why; my accent. My jaw clenched.

“Your mother was right about you…” He smiled. “I am Mister Gibson the psychologist of the school. Your mother wished for me to have a talk with you. It will end whenever you want, but only after ten minutes— As I see, you were about to leave. Let’s go to my office, shall we?”

I simply nodded as I closed the door and made sure to lock it. _‘What does this mean?’_  , I thought. A psychologist. Why would I even meet one? My mother— what in the world did she do? Why did she even do something like this? I far from needed to meet a psychologist. I really did. _‘This woman…’_ I looked at the man walking before me. We passed before some classes and halls before reaching his office. He opened the door and let me in first then came in. He place himself at his desk and made sign to sit. At first I didn’t. I was way too perplexed to even move. He smiled at me once again, then, I sat down. I looked at this new place. I already disliked this place. 

The man looked down to his desk, surely reading some papers—notes he had written while talking to the person I refer as Mom. He then looked at me. This irritation within me won’t leave for a long time. I could tell. Still, I did try to make it leave by letting out a long sigh.  
  
“Have you met a psychologist before me?” he asked.

For a moment, I couldn’t hold he gaze. I looked down to my hands. ‘I sure did.’ And I honestly didn’t need to bring this part of my life before my eyes. It was totally unneeded. I didn’t even bother to answer. My silence was his only answer.

“Shirō— I won’t tell you why you are here, because I am sure you have at least a mere idea of the reason.”

My eyes lifted up quickly upon hearing his words. I knew? Did I? Really? _‘Could it be..?’_ No. Still, at the same time, it could. But how would have my mother knew about this? Did they all have known about it? After all, I started to have those nightmares since I was only a little thing and this leaded into insomnia and trying to hide such fact was hard, especially from my mother. Yûmi surely had nothing to do with this. And yet, she wouldn’t lie to my parents either.

“I don’t.” I said.

“Really?” He took a paper in his hand and looked at it. “Tell me, when was the last time you had a nightmare?” 

Maintaining a stoic expression was quite difficult once I’ve heard those words. This question, I’ve felt the knife through my soul. I was a book opened because of a noisy mouth. Because of one that couldn’t keep their mouth shut. My gaze went down once again. All of this was so unneeded.

“Your English is understandable. You can speak.” He added.

Our eyes met again. He smiled at me. He let out a delicate laugh.

“Are my questions too harsh? I only asked four questions until so far.”  
I looked at the clock behind him.

“It’s…been.. ten mi-nuh.” I said.

“ _Minutes_.” He corrected my mistake. “Well, you can leave,  but I’ll rather keep you here a little longer. It would be nice to learn more about you. You seem to be someone really interesting—”

The instant he finished talking, the door has been opened within a hurry. The man looked behind me. I shifted my head to the side, lifted it and momentarily recognized this new arrival in the piece. This redhead. For a short moment there was an eye contact between us. The man before me slowly stood up.

“Kirill, are you okay?” he asked.

His answer; negative, then, he fell onto the floor. I barely had the mere seconds to catch him and make the impact less major. I kneeled next to the guy and the psychologist joined me. I looked at the student carefully. ‘He is dizzy and surely it due of the healing of his wounds…’. His breathe was normal. I could tell that all he needed was resting. I looked up at the man. He read my mind.

“Let’s lay him on this sofa.”

I nodded. The man and I lifted the other carefully than laid him down. I then walked toward my sit and picked up my stuff. With this intrusive here, there was no longer reason for me to stay. M. Gibson let me know I could leave for my course as he needed to keep an eye on this redhead. I didn’t hesitate to leave office as fast as I could. I didn’t like the atmosphere. It made me very uncomfortable and incredibly bothered. I still couldn’t believe what my mother has done. The simple thought made me bite onto my lower lip, hard. I closed my eyes and hummed a song; willing my sudden frustration to lower a little down, then I opened my eyes and made my way toward my English course. I didn’t know the emplacement and I guess it took me five and more minutes to find it. I had to ask a nice person to tell me which path I should use. Once I reached it, the door was open. For where I was standing, the teacher was sitting at her desk and the students were already working on whatever was the work. In team. I silently cleared my throat and gave the door a small knock, before making a sole step into the class. The woman turned her head toward my direction; she had a smirk. She stood on her feet and told through a sign to come in. I did.

“You are the new student, aren’t you?” she spoke loudly.

Loud enough to make the whole class staring at me. I only nodded. _‘If she insist for me to speak, my native language will come out without I could even control it.’_

“What is your name—?”

“Shirō.” I said.

“Shirō?”

“Yes.”

Her smile widen a little more. She turned toward the class.

“I have the two new students in my class, aren’t I spoiled! Kirill and Shirō. Oh my—”

_‘Kirill?’_ My eyes subtly wandered around the class until they foundd another familiar pair. I knew those grey eyes very well. Hold on _. ‘How in the world did he get in here before me? He fainted some minutes ago… this is very odd.’_ I averted my gaze and brought it onto the woman next to me. He didn’t stop staring, well, pretty much just like the other students.

“For your second class you are pretty late, huh? Oh, what is this!” she tilted a little toward my tie; loose. “Did you wake up this late? Your tie isn’t even tied well. My my my—!”

Some laughs came to my eardrums as the woman tied my tie; somehow tight. I didn’t feel really comfortable once she did. I wanted was to loose it as fast as I could. She smiled at me and tell me to come with over her desk as she had work from me.

“This is yours.“ She handed me a heavy documents. “There are texts you must read and answer the questions. Within two courses, you shall finish it with your partner. I already explained everything; you just have to ask your partner and it would be…—“

“He can join us.“ said a voice.

I brought my attention to where the voice came, my eyes met another pair. A blond. Surely taller than I was. I didn’t pay attention to his whole body, only this cocky smirk of his got my regard. His body language told a lot about the kind of person he was. _‘Playboy.’_ I was already disgusted by his very presence— him and his friends. The teacher spoke again.

“I don’t think he wants to have a bad grade already, hahaha— ” her eyes looked at the side of the blond. “Why won’t you work with Kirill? He is also alone. You guys could work together— Great. Plus, you both are new students. Helping each other should be good for the both of you.”

I looked toward my _partner_ ‘s direction from the corner of my eyes. Kirill was idle. The document in front of him, surely at the third pages, but I didn’t think he has read anything ‘till so far. He wasn’t in the right state to even read, I supposed. I nodded at the woman than made my way toward him. I pulled the chair from the empty desk next to his own and sat myself at his side. It was totally awkward. The atmosphere were somehow really cold. I knew he wouldn’t be the one to eget any conversation, I had to speak first, albeit I didn’t want to. But once I was about to say something, I remembered the words Yûmi told me yesterday.

* * *

 

_“Be friendly with him, if you can’t, at least, have his back.“ she said._

_“왜?“  
Why?_

_“Just do.“_

* * *

 

She didn’t explain herself nor tell me anything about how I should do it. Asking him about his health was an idea I automatically crossed once I thought of it. I didn’t think he would be pleased nor me. It would be appropriate to work on the work. Before speaking, I loosen my tie.

“Habe you… sterded leadingu the… uh…texts?“ I asked.

I noticed a movement from the corner of my eyes, I looked at his visage. A smirk. Why was he even smiling?

“— _Have. Started. Reading_.“ he corrected.

_‘You won’t be thinking this in a week’._ Yûmi’s say resonated into my mind. I should’ve really started to speak such language a couple of days or even years before, because my mistake being pointed out each time I was speaking was honestly getting on my nerves. Plus, I knew it will happen a lot during the day—the school year even.

“…Did you?“ I asked.

Silence. Yet, he glanced at his document and gave me a look, then looked away. ‘ _He did’._ I took my document in my hands and started to read the first text. Time to time, the teacher would come around us to make sure everything was alright— if we needed help. I had to speak because the other would obviously don’t. I tried to get his attention only once, but I relinquished. I didn’t even bother speaking either— he would correct each of my pronounciation. I felt like I wasn’t existing when I was around him.  _‘What’s up with this guy?’_   I was looking at him as he was answering the questions on his document. I was probably looking too much at him, but it didn’t seem to bother in any way. I brought my attention to my document and kept doing the work. Albeit there was one sole quesiton I couldn’t answer; I didn’t ask for any help– especially not for his. I rather tried to look for the answer by myself than ask for his help. 

_‘…Be friendly…’_

He seemed quite focused on his doings. I lifted my hand, brought it close to him and flicked his shoulder. He looked at me from the corner of his eyes, barely. 

“キリッ?“  
 _Kilitsu?_

“ _Kirill_.” he corrected.

His used tone was somehow harsh and annoyed. He also had an accent, althought it was less noticed than mine, he could, at least, be patient with me. Well, at least, he was listenning now, but now, I should try to make an actual conversation.

“Uh… —“

The bell rang before I could even vocalize my thoughts. Kirill picked his things than stood up quickly. My eyes followed him. He left the class, as if he left nothing behind his back; me. I didn’t even stopped him. There was no reason for me to do such, anyway. What only irritated me was how nonexistent I was into his eyes. He knew me. We didn’t see each other for the first time. I helped him more than twice. I didn’t get a thank you nor any gesture of gratefulness. Why did I even expected them from him? It was pointless. I stood up at my turn. I placed the chair to its respective place and took my stuff. My next course was math. I couldn’t wait to go there. As I made my way out of the class, someone bumped me. I lifted my eyes and met those blues iris again. The student showed me a charming smile before walking away with his friends. 

“糞ガキ…“ I whispered under a sigh.  
 _Unplesant brat…_

I then made my way toward my locker; 301b. In five minutes I should go to my locker and then find my other class. I followed the people of my previous course and I managed to find my locker. _‘I should hurry to buy a padlock…’_ There wasn’t any. I opened it and placed all my stuff _,_ I only kept my agenda. 103-D was my math course. Which way to use? I didn’t know. There was a girl nor far from where I was walking. I walked faster to join her. 

“Sorry, uhm… d-do you know where I can find the regular math course?“

She turned her head toward me. She smiled gently. 

“I am going there.“ she said. “You are new here?“

“Yes.“

She laughed a little and looked before her. 

“This school is tearing, just to let you know in what kind of hell you put yourself into.“ 

I already knew it. Actually.


	7. Chapter five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Upon meeting the exact copy of Yüki during his second course, confused and lost, Kirill's mind went crazy...

**_ _ **

I didn't know what was going on with me.

I could have talked to him, I should have. He had helped me a lot those last few days, but I couldn't say anything. I was angry. But why? There was no reason for me to be angry at him. And that wolf... what did it wanted?

I walked to my locker placing my books in it. There was almost no one in the hallway. Sure, I had get out of the class pretty fast. I was uncomfortable. Uneasy. He had made me uneasy. Why did we had to work together he could had worked with any other student. Why me? Only thinking of that class made me uncomfortable, I had totally made a fool of myself...

* * *

I didn't know what had happened. I had suddenly opened my eyes and before the psychologist could have said anything I was out of his office, and going straight to my English class without even thinking. I was new. I shouldn't know where the class is. It has all happened in a flash. I was out the office then here without noticing. Great. Try to act normal after that. I knocked on the door and waited. The teacher was a women of middle age with a big smile. Annoying already.

“You're probably the new student! Come in!”

I walked in the class looking at the students, surprised to found familiar eyes that seemed as happy as I was to meet them. Not at all.

Tyler.

Great.

What could be worse?

“I'm so lucky to have both the new students in my class! I hope he will still be there thought. I can’t wait to hear him. I love Asian accent!”

Oh please, when I said what could be worse, it wasn't to actually have something worse happening.

“So, what is your name?”

Should I be narcissistic? No, the poor woman don’t even know me yet. Give her some time.

“Kirill.” I said coldly.

"You wanna talk about yourself to the class?” It was more an obligation than an actual question.

“No, thanks.”

“But, I'm sure there’s a lot of people who wants to know about you... especially me.” She said, giving me a look.

Was she really flirting with me?!

"I said no, thanks." moving forward to make sure she was the only one hearing me.

"I guess you're the mysterious type.”

 _'No I just don't like to share my life to any stupid kid who wants to hear it.'_  I thought before taking the document she handed me and going to an empty desk in the back of the classroom. I took some paper and started drawing when I heard the door open again. I kept my eyes down until the teacher's voice forced me to look up.

And there he was again.

That guy.

What was his name again?

_'White'_

Yüki meant snow... how great was that?

Two identical persons, Snow and White... Snow-White: God must really hate me, Jesus Christ…

I looked at him for a second, not too long to make it awkward, but not too fast to make him think I got caught staring and was now ashamed. Because yes, I was totally staring, but I wasn't ashamed of it enough to make me look away, I looked away not to seem like a total freak. Not that I didn't wanted him to think I was a freak, well, not that I didn't want him not to think I was a freak because if he did think I was a freak I wouldn't really mind... Why was I even thinking about that? Great now with the time I took to think I forgot to look away, nice job looking creepy Kirill, I'm proud of you, _ughh_...

I looked down again, when a moment later, he was sitting next to me...

* * *

At the end of the day, I walked to my room as fast as I could. I needed to think. I couldn't stay like that, that close to the one identical to someone I loved... someone I still love.

I closed the door behind me as thought of Yüki creped into my mind, bringing tears to my eyes. I let myself slide against the door and sit on the cold floor. My hands were now shaking. I tried to think about something else, but I couldn't, the only thing I could see was his face, his smile. The one he gave me before pulling the trigger.

I bitted my lip to calm myself. I took a deep breath and grabbed at my hair hardly. I got up and walk to one of my box opening it slowly. There it was. The gun he used to kill himself. I gently laid a finger on it, feeling the cold metal sending shivers down my spine. I grabbed the weapon and closed my eyes.

As I opened them again he was there, sitting on my bed like he used to at the hospital. I placed my free hand on my mouth to keep from screaming. I tried to close my eyes again, wishing he would be gone after I opened them again, but he wasn't, he wouldn't disappear. I wanted him to disappear, I couldn't handle it. I wasn't strong enough.

He got up and walked slowly toward me. I made a step back, my hand still on my mouth.

 _'Please.'_  I thought.

I felt his touch on my hand, the one holding the gun. I took a sharp breath as the tears started to flow even more.

_'Don’t...'_

His skin was soft, cold... dead.

I tried to free myself but he wouldn't let me go. I close my eyes as tight as I could and back up until my back touched the wall. He was still there next to me. His other hand lifted to grab the one on my mouth, moving it away.

_'Please...'_

He placed his hand back on my cheek, forcing me to look at him. He had a soft look in his eyes and a caring smile. He lifted my hand so the gun was pointing at my own temple. A sob escaped from me as I slightly shake my head.

_'Please...'_

His finger brushed away the tears on my cheek and rubbed it gently in a movement to calm me.

“Calm yourself...” he said in a whisper.

 _'Please...'_ I repeated again.

“Shh...”

He placed my own finger on the trigger and looked back at me.

“Count to three...”

_“Don't... please...”_

I couldn't see anything as the tears were making my vision blurry. I could hear my own heart beating in my chest. I was terrified but I wasn't moving to stop him. I was on a spell that I didn't wanted to break. I was shaking and shivers were running inside of me again and again. He wasn't there, he couldn't be... but it felt so real, I couldn't help but lean in his touch, craving its burn. It was poison, but I was addicted.

The gun on my temple started to feel like a sweet escape, a new drug I would be junky about. The adrenaline that the feeling of dying bring was a high, a bliss. I was still crying but it was less and less because of the fear of dying, it was for the fear of surviving. I didn't want to fight anymore. The only thing I wanted to fight for was standing next to me, asking me to follow him in pure release.

"Close your eyes...”

I did as he said, closing them slowly. I took a deep breath and tighten my grip on the gun.

I had one chance out of six.

I knew the revolver was only loaded with one bullet, but playing Russian roulette has never even crossed my mind.

I was now sweating, my heart racing.

It was a test I didn't wanted to pass... there was no one to regret me, no one to make me think of the value of my life. Maybe I would never see the sun again. Feel it's warmth. That would be the only thing I would miss. The warmness of the sun. The warmness of skin against mine. Being hold by someone, being touch... The thing I would miss the most is that warmness of hearing someone say that they love you...

I bitted my lip at the thought. No one would ever love something like me. No one would ever fall in love with a monster...

I opened my eyes again. I was strong enough to look. I was strong enough to face my choices.

I took one last deep breath before looking at him in the eyes.

"Pull the trigger.” he said, gently placing his lips on mine.

I focus on my breath, on my pulse and my heartbeat, until I couldn't hear anything else. My eyes were still open, but the only thing I could see was him, the rest was darkness. No tears, no fear, nothing. Not even any feeling.

I pulled the trigger.

I failed.

My knees fell on the floor.

I couldn't see him anymore.

I was alive.

I was empty.

The revolver fell next to me.

The adrenaline rushed.

My head was spinning.

I fell on the ground.

Coldness.

Darkness.

Then I was back in the hospital again.

That same day.

That same night.

He smiled.

He pulled the trigger.

He won.

* * *

I woke up during the night, I was sweating and everything seemed blurry. For a moment, I couldn't recognize where I was until I looked at the bed next to me. I was laying on the cold floor. Alone. I felt horrible. That dream felt so real...

I had this nightmare again. I could see his face still, his voice...and he was gone... Yüki.

I took a deep breath and got up, I saw something in the shadow, that wolf again, sitting at my feet, looking straight at me.

"Who are you?!”

The wolf made its way around me, its eyes connecting to mine.

“I am you.”

Its voice was more animal than anything else, but it crawled to your skin and was more than understandable.

"What do you mean  _'you are me'_? Yes, you are a part of me I guess, a new voice, but who are you exactly? What is your name...''

It placed its paws on my shoulders, its body half on top of me. I couldn’t move, it was too strong. I couldn’t control it like I did with the other voices...

Suddenly everything came in place.

“You are Mal...”

 


	8. Chapter six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a second day of School, Shiro seems to enjoy it and even befriend a girl. When it comes to Kirill, taking the firsts steps seems like a wrong idea, again...

For a first day; it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would, actually—except for the the morning part. Yet, when it came to this, I tried to not even think about it. As for the rest of the yesterday, I, somehow, enjoyed it. Some students considered my presence by their sides and took some of their time to have a conversation with me during some of my courses, albeit I didn’t need any of that. At least, they were being friendly, unlike some people. I also met the psychologist a second time. I practiced my English a little with him. I didn’t improve that much. Anyway. For the second day, all I could say; I didn’t have the slightest motivation from either; moving or even speaking. The burden of tiredness was incredibly heavy upon my shoulders— My body had no rest. I was laid onto my bed, gazing through the window; blankly. The presence adjacent to where I was, was preparing herself. It was 07:00AM. Her name; Brittany. A gorgeous blonde. I won’t deny how physically attractive this girl was. I only had one chance to have a conversation with her till so far. She was nice; but I felt like her attitude and mine wouldn’t be compatible. I didn’t mind how girly she was, how ‘princess’ she could be, but the atmosphere around her, the impression she was giving about her person, I will not befriend her. I would speak to her and be very nice, but getting into a friendship with her; no way in hell. Honestly. There are some people out there, you can’t be friend with, and she was one of them. 

I shifted my body into a sitting position. I already prepared myself and my uniform was already on me. I took a look to my schedule. My first course was English. Thankfully, I finished the whole document, with this, I would take some time to get some rest by doing nothing during fifty-five minutes of the course. All I could was secretly hoping the teacher wouldn’t point out any remark, but the fact I was a new student, made my hopes to fade away slowly. I couldn’t suppress a long sigh. I stretched as much as I was capable of before standing up onto my feet. I walked toward my desk; everything was prepared for today. I picked up my stuff and left the room, but before doing such, I let my roommate walking out first and then closed our room door behind me. 

Twenty minutes was left before the first period would start. I used such time to wander around. Here and there, before going to the cafeteria and sat myself at a table neat to some windows. Reading wouldn’t make me fall asleep— nothing would, so I decided to listen to some music while reviewing the document. My answers were long and clear. I was sure they were right except one; the one I couldn’t answer. My answer made me feel somehow unsure, but I left it there. I didn’t change and won’t plan on changing it. Laziness. I put the document aside and crossed my arms; then laid my head on top. I slowly closed my eyes trying to gain some rest, before a shadow veiled the sunlight from me. I lifted my head and my eyes met a pair of blue ones. 

* * *

“Hey.”  

I slightly titled my head to the side and looked behind him. His friends gave me a smile. Two tables. Females and males. His circle of friends was incredibly big. This guy was surely ‘the king’ who run this school. What a cliché. I then looked up at this blonde. This smirk was there. My eyes were glued on his smile. I was too tired to even squint or even speak. He was wasting my time of ‘rest’. My little time of rest before the storm would come. I stopped my music. Taking off my earphones, I lent him my full attention.

“Would you like to join me and my friends?” he asked. 

I looked at him silently, before something catch my attention.

“What’s your nah-mu?”

He let out a gentle laugh. 

“My _name_? Call me Tyler. Shirō is yours, huh? What language is this?”

Tyler. My face must translate what my mind was thinking, because his smile almost faded and yet; his expression became more playful, his mocker was more apparent. His upper body leaned to my direction. At first, I didn’t move an inch. I was carefully paying attention to his doings. He could tell I wasn’t in the right mood to answer any of his questions. Still, it didn’t stop him from talking.

“So? Will you join my crew? We are nice people. We won’t bite you. Haha. Well, …I wouldn’t do it hard.”

 _‘…Did this guy just winked at me or was I that tired I simply hallucinated?’_ As if I remembered the last time I had a healthy sleep schedule. Whatever if I did or not, I needed to leave this cafeteria. I didn’t want to stay there any longer. Plus, the bell would ring at any given moment. I stood up and picked up my stuff. As I did, I felt a hand onto my left shoulder, Tyler stopped me within my motion. I instinctively flinched under the touch. I didn’t need to pass the message. He read it through my eyes. After so, I went out of that place and walked toward my course. Luckily, I reached it before the bell would ring. The teacher greeted me with a warm smile and assigned me a place that was in the middle of the class. I sat at my desk and waited until the course would start. The teacher did her usual speaking about the plan of the course what we would’ve to do. Her words— I couldn’t hear them. My vision was slight blurry. Slipped into oblivion, I felt my consciousness ebbing away, slowly, wandering, and then a loud sound reverberated within the air made my body to give a sudden start. I looked at where the sound came from. The student next to me clapped his hands close to me in order to ‘ _wake_ ’ me up. The laughs around me invoked deep inside of my being a trail of great annoyance. The teacher crossed her arms onto her chest and looked at me with a fake expression of anger.

“Now you don’t listen in my course? What’s the matter with you, huh? I bet your tie isn’t even tied well.” She made her way toward me. I had to sit up well on my chair; exposing my untied tie. 

“Oh God— look at this. What is it , dear? You don’t know how to put on such piece of clothing? You didn’t get enough sleep? Huh? Oh my— Son. Get some rest, alright?” She ran one of her hand within my hair within an affectionate manner. 

“Come on, sleeping beauty, it isn’t the moment to sleep. Look at Kirill, unlike you, he is—”

She couldn’t even finish her sentence as some students were laughing. By this, I could tell Kirill was far from being in another better state than mine. I didn’t bother to look at him to prove my point. The teacher simply sighed and placed herself of the class and look at me and behind me. I rubbed my eyes with my hands and looked at her. She gave me gentle smile.

“— I won’t punish the both of you. Such beautiful boys, it would be unfortunate, right ladies?” she asked.

Some females of the class laughed. I was feeling awkward. Really. Well, I couldn’t blame myself for such thing. This atmosphere was something I’ve never experienced before. Being surrounded by so much people around my age was something new. I didn’t find the strength to even show the mere friendly smile. 

“Don’t worry Tyler, you are also beautiful.” she pointed out.

The guy close to me laughed happily. 

“Phew— I was afraid, Miss. Don’t forget about me.” 

“Oh please. And don’t worry, the others. Every single all of you are beautiful. Now let’s start the work. You all shall finish it today, we will correct it at the end of the period. No plagiary! I’ll be watching you all. Now, sit in team.”

I did forget about that part ‘ _team_ ’. Albeit how unwilling I was, showing it; I wouldn’t do it. Standing up, I shifted my body with my stuff within my hands, I walked toward Kirill’s desk. I placed my stuff on the corner of his desk; picked up the near chair and sat down in front of him. I looked at his physical traits. Grumpy. By his simple visage I could tell he had a hard night. Perhaps working in team was not a great idea. I averted my eyes and looked around, letting him doing his work. I placed my elbow on the desk, than laid my chin into my palm. I yawned. Rubbed my eyes. I was incredibly tired and yet, I couldn’t get the sleep I would like to get. I looked around once more, searching for something or whatever to do yet; nothing. I could only listen to the conversation around us, however; all of them aren’t that interesting. Some were about; summer, work, teacher, self-success, lovers, friends, family and about the both of me and him. When it came to this type of subject, I couldn’t help to let my curiosity took over me. I paid attention to those people’s conversation, until a voice disturbed me. I slowly turned my head toward a girl, she was standing beside the desk. She was smiling, friendly. I returned her the smile. 

“Hi, you guys.” She said.

“Hi.” I said.

She looked at Kirill, but her presence hasn’t even been noticed by him. He was literally ignoring her. Upon seeing this, I couldn’t help to ask myself some questions. But once she raised a brow and looked at me, I tossed those questions away. I kept on smiling at her. Her and I could become friends. Something was telling me this.

“What’s your name again?” 

“Shirō.”

She kneeled down and crossed her arms on the desk. I placed my stuff on my thighs in order to make some places for her to suit herself. She looked at me with a gentle smile.  

“It’s Japanese, isn’t it? I’m Emily, by the way. Nice to meet you.” She said.

“Yes and..nice to… meet you, too, Emi-eeh.”

My mispronunciation of her name caused her to laugh. I expected a correction, but she said nothing and went along with it. She was someone kind. I was already appreciating her. She seemed to be someone worth being trusted.

”You’re from Japan, aren’t you?“

“Yes, but I am also.. Koh-lee-ahn.” I pointed out.

“Oh~! ” she gasped. “Korean. Nice. I hope speaking English isn’t too much for you. You aren’t that bad, though. Your accent is nice. I like it. Hahaha.” 

I brought my hand behind my neck instinctively. Small laughs escaped from my mouth as I could feel the heat of my cheeks rising up. I looked down for some seconds. My eyes went up again. I smiled at her and she returned the small at me. 

“So, you speak Japanese and Korean. Say, which one are you more comfortable with? Japanese or the other?”

“Japanese.” I replied.

She remained silent for a lap of seconds; thinking of a question she could ask me.

“Does your name mean something?”

The instant my ears ensured this question, a hint of perplexity reached me. I personally wonder why I’ve been named after such word. I looked away; gazing through the window.

“White.”

I could feel how perturbed she was. Who would go around naming their child after a colour— I personally wouldn’t. Still, this didn’t make me develop a disgust toward my name. I loved it. The meaning behind it was endearing. 

“White? Why would your parents name you ‘white’? Well, white is usually the color of purity, but..”

I couldn’t suppress a small laugh.

“Well… in Jah-pahn, white is.. uhm.. the color of angels-gods and is also.. the color.. of cleanliness, purity. But when it comes to K-korea, it’s innocence and p…peace.”

The woman stopped at our desk and raised a brow. Our conversation suddenly stopped there. This woman didn’t hesitate to interfere in our conversations; which I’ve found quite rude from her.  

“Now, Emily, don’t tell me you are bothering Shirō and Kirill, huh?”

The girl looked at the teacher with her eyebrows furrowed barely. I looked at the teacher, perplexed.

“Miss, I am simply asking Shirō some questions. Geez…”

“Whatever, you both should work like Kirill. Look, he is working well. Idle. He doesn’t bother anyone around. He does his things as asked.”

We both looked at him. I then looked at the teacher.

“I.. already finished my doh-kyu-men.” I said.

The woman’s gaze wasn’t any reassuring. She lowered her stature; her presence violated my personal space. My body flinched; uncomfortable. She looked at the desk and spoke slowly. Her word was clean.

“Do-cu-ment.” She said.

“Doh-kyu-ment.”

“Do-cu-ment.” Her voice was dry.

“D-document.”

She stepped backward, gave me a gaze and slowly walked away. This person’s pet peeve was definitely mispronunciation. Her look wasn’t something unfriendly, but if she could’ve gave me a lecture, she would do it. I could understand that; someone messing some words of your native language can be annoying, but there are some limits. I would like to see her speak my native languages— Emily flicked my shoulder. I automatically brought my eyes onto her.

“Hey, what was your other school?” she asked.

The question I’ve been waiting for. Someone would surely ask me this. This question made me quite tense, but the answer even worst. For a thin instant I glanced at the desk, willing my uneasiness to fade away; lightly, before looking up at the presence adjacent from where I was sitting. The words escaped my lips within a placid tone.

“ _Actsuaーtsuly_ …—”

“Tyler, what are you looking at? You aren’t subtle, just saying.” Emily said.

The only answer he gave was a trail of laughs followed by his friends’ and an insincere apology. There was a gnawing feeling in the back of my mind; almost an itch between my eyes. I felt the impulse to look aside. Out of the corner of my eyes, even outside my field of vision, I could just tell someone was checking me out and I knew very well who it was. Still. I didn’t flinch nor I even pointed out the mere complaint. I let it that way. I rather focused my attention to the current conversation. Far from that, I was glad. If this blonde didn’t annoyed Emily, the subject wouldn’t have changed, and I would’ve to answer her question; fortunately— I didn’t. Instead, I simply answered to some questions. Either hilarious or the usual stuff. We spoke to each other—she was the one who spoke the most—for a short twenty minutes. Her used words and her says brought small smiles and laughs to come out of my mouth. The presence next to me didn’t look like our conversation was bothering and didn’t let us know about it. 

The teacher stopped us to start the correction of the document and take some few notes of a small theory. It wasn’t useful for those who were in team to go back to their respectives places, so I stayed next to the redhead. While the class was taking notes, I noticed the other didn’t have any pen with him. The teacher insisted to each student to write their notes with a pen and not a pencil. From the corner of my eyes, I affixed my gaze onto him, subtle, then looked away. 

* * *

_[ … ]_

_“Just be.“_

_My curious persona wouldn’t let me leave this place without satisfying my knowledge and she, she was way more aware of that than myself. Her eyes were filled with a hint of concern. ‘She’s too nice.‘_

_“He is a lonely person and obviously needs and deserves someone by his sides. I have not the slightest idea of what is happening under his roof, but if, at least, someone could, by simply being there by his sides, make him feel better for even some minutes, it could do a big difference for him. Especially, if it is a teenager around his age.”_

_I raised a brow as my gaze went somewhere else._

_“He needs a friend. Plus, he already met you. You guys aren’t strangers to each other anymore.“_

_She took a pause._

_“He just needs time.“_

_[ … ]_

* * *

I handed him the current pen I used and picked up another one as the teacher passed by. She already made a scene when a student didn’t start taking notes, she couldn’t help herself to watch and make sure all the students were writing and honestly, all of this was annoying. No one was motivated to write and yet; we all did. During the rest of the course, the silence was upon us. No one spoke until the bell rang. Again. Nothing. I earned nothing. A pure cold vibe. My jaw clenched barely. I stood up, placed the chair, picked up my stuff and walked toward the door. Emily was by sides with her two friends. We couldn’t speak much as we took different paths. I lost myself once again. Biology. B-188. That was on the ground floor. I walked downstairs with a hurried foot. Five minutes. Five littles minutes weren’t enough for a new student with a lack of sense of direction to go to his other courses. After some few minutes, I was standing behind a closed door. I gave small knocks before a student opened for me. She looked at me and let me in. The empty table at the end of the class has been automatically noticed by me. I didn’t hesitate to walk toward it when the teacher spoke to me.

“ _—Whoa_ , there.“

I turned around and looked at her.

“Why would you sit behind everybody? They’ll hide you.”

There was hesitation within my doings. She smiled at me, gently.

“Don’t be shy. Look there are two nice places a little in the front.“

I followed her hands. I met two pairs of familiar eyes. Blues and grays. Tyler and Kirill. 

“Don’t be shy." She said, again. "I know you are new, but Kirill is also new— sit with him?“

“Awh. Why not with me, Miss Gibson? I would like to know more about him.“

“Man, come on.“ said his friend.

Miss Gibson laughed, friendly.

“Well, today we will prepare the lab work. Lab works are always a work where two students must do it in team. The three of you will work together. Satisfied? You could get to know Kirill too. Two to one. Deal?“

She spoke to me once again.

“Come on, sit down.“

I walked to my now respective place and slowly sat myself down as all the attention was on me. Once I did, Miss Gibson continued her course for during twenty minutes and such; she explained her rules, how she works, what the lab would be about and then, let us sit in team to prepare our work. As both of us were sat at the same table, Tyler had to join us, he sat himself just right in front of me. Something caught my attention; his gaze. This look. The vibe he was giving was nothing peaceful. I was intrigued once I noticed this was for the person next to me. Although, how much curious I was, I let it like this. I said nothing, so did the both of them. The awkwardness wasn’t even here yet; and I knew it would come. I ran my right hand through my hair, sat myself properly and read the things we had to do— the others did the same, silently. The woman stopped by and spoke to us.

“Are you guys okay? Why are you three so silent?“

“We’re kinda reading, y’know.“ said Tyler.

“Nothing prevent you three to talk to each other. What boys usually talk about when they are together? Girls? Sports? Video games? It’s the second day of school. Try to get to know each other. It’s nice and useful to have friends. When you don’t understand something in that or this class, you could have some back-up— and, they are new, Tyler. Speak about the school system to them, help them. Be useful.“ she said before going to another table.

The blonde rolled his eyes and looked at Kirill before looking at me. A smile was already on his face. His left elbow solaced onto the table as his chin placed itself on his fist. His stature leaned forward.

“How are you doing?“

“Fine and …you?” I asked. 

“I’m doing great.” 

His smile went slightly charming. I didn’t return any smile to him. 

“You came late, you lost yourself, didn’t ya? I could make you visit the school during lunch time, what do you think?” He proposed. 

“No, san-kyu.” 

“Why so shy…— _Cute_.”

No words came from me once I’ve heard those words, I only started to write on the document. Tyler followed my gestures. As we worked in team, our documents must be all the same. I leant a little more forward enough to have a perfect vision of what I was writing. My eyes went aside; the other has already wrote, but didn’t finish. Almost. _‘Fast…‘_

“—…!”

My body flinched once an intrusive hand brushed my shoulder. I looked up and a visual contact has been made between the presence before me and myself. He let out a laugh.

“Relax. You had something onto your clothes, it was annoying me.” he said.

He then placed his composure into what was his comfortable position. He eyes wandered down to my neck where were my tie. I kept on writing as I looked down to my work.

“Why don’t you tie it well? You don’t like having things around your neck?”

“Somehow.” I replied.

When I took a second look to my left, Kirill was done and was drawing on his document. I didn’t really pay attention to what he was doing but to his actual work. Clear. One word. I continued writing. My motions were somehow slow, I blamed my lack of energy. I managed to not let it visible. Tyler did some conversations with me. His flirtatious and joyful behaviour was evoking within me an uneasiness I didn’t need. Subtle compliments and allusions— all, I was not used to them. I glanced over my left for the third time. He was in his little word. 

“Shi—”

Tyler couldn’t end his sentence, I was speaking to Kirill.

“—Uhm, _Kilitsu_ , what did you…—”

His head shifted. A face void of emotion. Features typically neutral; however those eyes were lying a message, a message I clearly understood. The instant I understood, my heartbeats went faster, I could felt the flows through my veins. My teeth instinctively bitted down into the flesh into my mouth. The hold around my pencil slightly tensed. This mass within my stomach went up to my throat; something wanted to come out, but I suppressed it very well. Something within me crushed. Literally. The visual contact broke. I placed my eyes onto the desk. The presence in front of me remained silent before letting a little laugh. A laugh filled with bitterness. He didn’t add anything. None of us did actually. During all the class, no words came from each other, the thin silence was upon us.

_He just needs time._

_‘Do I look like someone with a lot of patience?‘_

_“_ Whatever… _“_ I whispered to myself.


	9. Chapter seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a long demanding week of strength, Kirill felt a relief. He could finally be far from Shiro. Tired, he took a moment to rest in his bedroom. However, when he woke up, he realized he was not where he was supposed to be...

 

I think all the teachers were against me.

In the first week, I think every teacher had made me work in team with that boy.

Him.

Friday was finally there and I was exhausted. Not because of the class, but because of the mental strength it took me to keep from talking to him. Even thought I shouldn’t want to, I couldn’t help the want I felt toward this being. I sat on my bed and looked at the ceiling. What an awful year this is going to be.

I laid back and closed my eyes. My tiredness was taking over me as my lids were getting heavier, harder to open. I let myself fell into unconsciousness and everything went dark like the night.

* * *

_' wake up... '_

_' wake up... '_

_' WAKE UP! '_

I opened my eyes.

I was half naked, my shirt and shoes were gone, only my jean was remaining. I was laying in the mud in the middle of nowhere. I looked around. A forest? Alone... my hands were sticky, covered in something that smelled like blood.

Not my blood.

I felt a little lost.

Cold. 

I heard footsteps from afar. Sounds like it was directly in my ears. Every noises of the night sounded clearer than usual. I could see anything, smell anything, hear anything. 

An animal.

I could hear that voice in my head.

Beast.

Mal.

I could feel its power in me. In a way he was controlling me, that was probably how I got here.

There were small pieces of memories flashing in my head. Did I kill someone? Sure I had injured someone. Badly.

I got up to took a better look around, I felt weird. There was a small knife stuck in my chest next to my shoulder. I didn't even felt any pain.

My body was cold, numb.

There was a girl close to where I was, I could smell, feel her fear. A scream.  
Mal was changing me into a tracker, a born killer. I was a creature that loved to hunt. I did. It was driving me insanely crazy, pleasing sensation. I wanted to hear her scream again. Hear her pain. Make her dead body a piece of art. My creation. My work.

I could feel my pupils were now a tine line. Animal. My vision was now extremely good even in the total darkness. Advantage.

I heard a feeble cry of pain a couples of meters away. I grabbed the knife in my chest. Pull it out. I ran.

I found her on the ground, too injured to focus on not falling. As her eyes crossed mine, she started to scream and yell incoherent thing. I knew her. I can never forget a face. I didn’t remember who she was and from where I saw her.  
I got closer to her and in a fast movement cut the tendon of her right ankle. The vein severed and she was now bleeding a lot. She screamed in pain and surprisingly got up and run toward the big trees.

I smirk. This was too easy. 

I would trap her there. I tighten my grip on the knife and waited.  A couples of seconds. A little more, just a little...

I threw the knife in her direction and as I thought, it plants into her hand, sticking her to the tree in front of her. I walked slowly toward her. As a last hope, she grabbed her phone and I smiled as her eyes went bigger in fear.

"No connection?" I said.

She was crying.

As I was getting closer to her, the voices started talking. Laughing. Telling me to kill her, slowly, painfully.

_‘Do it. Now. Do it. Do it. Now. Come on. He can see you. Do it. Stupid. Come on. He can see you. She wants it. She needs it. Kill her. Quick! She knows. She knows. They all know. Come on. Look at you. Monster. Monster. You're bad. A monster. You're bad. Kill her. Quick. QUICK!’_

"SHUT UP!"

I grabbed the knife, freeing her hand. She fell on the ground, using that opportunity I stabbed her in the back two, three times before turning her around and kneeled on top of her, one leg each side of her body. I pressed my ear against her chest, hearing her heart racing as my knife was caressing the skin of her throat. She was sobbing uncontrollably.

"Poor thing." I whispered in her ear, making her cry even louder.

I abruptly cut the skin of her neck and pushed slowly in her chin to open the cut wide.

"Scream for me, sweetheart."

She made a painful groan and I started to scream.

Her voice joined mine within a couples of seconds and I suddenly cracked her neck, leaving her wide open eyes empty of life.

I started laughing as I sat on her. There was someone a couples of meters away from me. 

I looked. 

Him. 

Our eyes locked.

He started to back up. 

I ran.

* * *

 

I tried.

I really fucking tried.

But I couldn't...

I just couldn't.

He was there, laying on the ground under me. I was frozen in place. I had difficulty holding my own weight as I was so shock by the event.

"What are you w-waitingu for... ?"

His voice was shaking but firm. He was scared but he was trying to bring himself together.

Our faces were only inches apart. Even though I wasn't moving, he didn't try to move either, he was looking at me in the eyes... waiting? 

My eyes were burning so I closed them, I had to take a decision really quick. I couldn't bring myself to kill him so I placed the knife close to his hand to show him I gave him the opportunity to attack me knowing I wouldn't do anything.

He didn't move.

His body slightly relaxed but was still tense.

I was getting tired and weak. I sighed and leaned my forehead on his chest. I felt so bad.

"I'm sorry..."

I got up, grabbed the knife and turned back, leaving him behind.

* * *

 

I stayed locked in my room all weekend. I still had the knife and the girl's cellphone.

Now Monday morning I didn't know what to do.

I got out of my room after taking a shower again, since that night I had took at least twenty showers. As I walked to the cafeteria, I could hear the students talking as if they were talking to me. The light was still making my eyes burns so I was wearing my sunglasses non-stop since Friday night.

They were talking about the cops being there, the body they found.

How did they know?

Whispers.

Talks.

A name.

Emily.

That was from where I knew her...

She was the girl who tried talking to me in class, the one who was talking to him.

I killed one of his friend...

I stepped back and walked as fast as I could, heading back to my room.  
No way I would go to class now. 

With him.

But...

I needed his silence...

How?...

 


	10. Chapter eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the murder and finding the identity of the eyewitness, Kirill needed to earn Shiro's silence. However, this boy would have never expected to his silence to be earned this way...

_ _

_“If you keep being at the library you’ll never meet them! They are really nice people. I will present them to you on Monday since we are already the weekend. I’m sure you’ll get along with them easily.”_

_All I could do to present my gratefulness was doing it through my doings. She appreciated it. I was enjoying it. A smile. Warm. Nice— It stopped there. My gaze was glued onto the ground under us. The surroundings were calm and incredibly quite. Emily and I were standing before a table, in the library, where I was about to put my books in order to read them. The instant she spoke to me; I had someone following me around every time: her. Whenever I was, she would be there. She knew introvert people very well. Introversion has very little to do with being shy. Whether someone is an introvert or extrovert depends largely on how they derive their energy. If they feel energized by being around people, chances are they’re more extroverted. If they feel energized by spending time alone, it’s likely they’re more introverted, and this, was me. I was quite glad she could understand such thing and didn’t go by my sides with her huge friend circle._

_Emily put her friends aside all Friday to be with me. Thank to her, I learned which paths I should’ve used to every courses of mine. I knew most of the places in this school. She made me visit. Time to time, some of her friends would come along and then leave as she asked so. My uneasiness has been noticed by her in the must subtle way. She accepted it and treated it so carefully, it caused inside such an ineffable feeling. Her friendly and playful demeanor was something really endearing of her. I couldn’t understand how or why someone would have disgust toward her. She lacks negativity.  
_

* * *

_“I will help you with your pronunciation. You won’t mind?”_

_“Of c-course not…” I replied._

_A smile was on her face. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked away; pensive._

_“Will you go to your house this evening or will you leave tomorrow?”_

_“Tomorrow.. morning and.. your..self?”_

_“Tomorrow morning as well. Say, would like to visit around? Outside? There’s a nice forest to walk near school. If you are a moth like me, you will enjoy it. I can promise you that. My friends and I used to walk there a lot, but I am now the only to do it at night.”_

_My brows rose, barely. She noticed my perplexity and how this didn’t give me a pleasant feeling. She tried to reassure me, yet; I still refused. I rather stay in bed knowing I wouldn’t sleep instead of walking around at night. The simple idea didn’t inspire me any good vibes. There was neither insistence nor pressure; the other simply went along with my choice, but reminded me that I could join her anytime. We exchanged our numbers, after what, she left. When she did, it was around six in the evening. I left the library ten minutes after and walked toward my room. My roommate wasn’t there yet. I prepared myself then I started to work on my little homework. I didn’t spend too much times on them. They were pretty easy to do. I already have seen this subject when I was home._

_The first three days of school wasn’t as bad as I thought it would’ve been, honestly. It even went quite well at my surprise. I made a friend. A smile evinced itself onto my visage and didn’t leave for a long time when I realized this bond I made with one of my classmates. Emily. The last thing I expected when I came here was to befriend the opposite gender easily. My first friend. There was an odd sensation within my stomach just thinking about it. I was impatient to speak to her. I looked at my phone screen and took note of the time. Sending a SMS seemed too early? I decided to text her later on and put my phone under vibration. For the mean time, I would simply lay in bed and relax. Probably read some book, also._

_My phone vibrated at some points._

_ `“The air is nice outside. Hahaha.”` _

_It was her. I looked at the time. 01:09 AM. I’ve read for a long time. Perhaps taking a walk wouldn’t be this bad. What could happen badly? If anything dangerous has happened years ago, I know my mother wouldn’t have let me go to her high school._

_With this, I stood up, picked a jacket, put on my shoes and silently sneaked out of my room. I walked toward the stairs and went outside as subtle as I was capable of. And yet, for a reason, the instant my foot stepped outside, I didn’t like the pressure in my stomach that went up to my throat. I really didn’t like it, but it didn’t prevent me from walking. I tried to reach this forest very quickly. The more I was walking the more the air went heavier— suffocating even. This atmosphere was something far from reassuring. I looked at my phone, her last message was sent fifteen minutes ago and I still couldn’t see where she was. I decided to send her a message and waited. As I waited, I went even deeper between these trees. I examined my surroundings with a careful eye. I noticed a form lying. I instinctively squinted my eyes in order to have a better sight. A person was there. This hair colour; I knew them. The bruises on this back… ‘That guy… seriously.’ Upon recognizing who the other was, my footsteps increased in rapidity. Kirill was injured and I knew Yumi would like to me to take care of him if he ever get injured._

_I nearly stopped when a sudden movement has been made from him. I placed myself aside; behind those tall bushes. He lifted his stature; standing up on his feet. Perturbation and inquiries were laced within his traits. He seemed lost. His head shifted, I hided. He wasn’t even looking at my direction, but at the total opposite. I followed where his eyes were gazing. We weren’t the only ones between those trees and bushes. A girl? Indeed._

_A girl._

_‘My friends and I used to walk there a lot, but I am now the only to do it at night.’_

_Those words echoed within my eardrums and brain countlessly, causing a headache. There was no need for me to see closely; I was aware. I knew. Even while denying, I knew. Everything was clear as crystals. This scene before me, my own mind tried to veil it from my eyes, but my ears heard everything. Every spoken syllables, they were now anchored into my flesh. My eyes, unfortunately for them, they saw every action. Everything. I could feel the flows through my veins. My throat was dry. I couldn’t swallow my own saliva. My body wasn’t answering me. This terror awaken a part of my memory I so-oh tried to lock so many times, but unfortunately, I remembered it every day, but this moment, I was living it. Something that didn’t help at all was the fact that I knew the both of them. Both aggressor and victim. When it came to the aggressor, a killer so cold like the icy wraths of insanity-ridden chains was all I could say about his person. His non-existence sympathy didn’t surprise me, but didn’t prevent me from being shocked. A shock that put my soul under silence. A shock that decreased my heartbeat. My teeth were grinding each other. My breath; the air was difficult to inspire. I wanted. I had the desire to act. To movement. To HELP. Nothing. I couldn’t do the slightest movement. Every muscle of mine was tensed._

_A quick movement from him, to the left followed, his knife returning to her skin’s surface once it cut its way out of the insides of the neck, leaving a major, irreparable damage. The choked sounds begun to cease, blood coming endlessly out of her severed neck to form a puddle of blood around her head. A sound. It was a sort of white hot agony searing her whole being to the point of unconsciousness. Now it’s receding like a purple curtain of pain, a sweeping tide of   physical discomfort, reforming, preparing for the next awful onslaught. Another voice joined. His._

_Before I could realize. Our eyes met._

_Nothing lasted this long during my whole existence, but what caused my oxygen to lack were those eyes over me. Those pupils. My breath stopped. My heart skipped a beat, two or even three, I couldn’t count. My brain went blank. Everything stopped around us. Just like a human in front a dangerous animal with a thin atmosphere above them; a wrong movement and everything ends._

_My body balanced; I instinctively took a step back due my loss of balance. First mistake. He was then suddenly getting close. Before I could realize was what upon me; I needed to run— the mere seconds late could’ve been fatal. I oppressed myself. My senses, my survival instinct— it all was now activated.  My heart rate increased. The adrenaline was running through my veins within such a rush. My eardrums couldn’t hear if he was following or not; my heartbeats were way too loud. Still— I was glad our distances were already long, but the seconds I took to move placed within me an overwhelming feeling. My stomach couldn’t bare such pressure. ‘I will end like them.’ My thoughts were filled with nothing but this simple sentence. I didn’t want it. I refused it. I couldn’t let myself have such an ending while I all did was helping. I was only a background character; but for murderers, anyone is a main character.  I could hate him, but why bother? I was the perfect eyewitness and witness hearing. I saw everything. I heard everything. For his own security, getting rid of me IS the only solution for making sure that nothing would be against him. Still— I didn’t want that. I could let myself into such thing. I didn’t mind to lose my breath, but not that way. No way in hell._

_My right shoulder made contact with the strong surface of a tree, I lost all of my balance. All the curse I knew, I said all of them within my mind. My body fell onto the ground, but before contact could’ve made, I tried to land onto of my knees in order to stand up quickly and run again, but I was five second late. Five seconds that would be the death of me._

_My upper body shifted to the side, my left arm lifted up—as my right one was in pain—in order to protect myself, as a reflex. He grabbed it and pressured on it, forcing me to lower my stature. I lost my balance and was now on my rear. He leaned forward even more, placing himself above me. I tried to push him away with both my arms, but with the knife and my right arm, it has been a waste of time._

_It was a **dead end**._

* * *

_I was  finally  alone._

_My enlarged eyes scour the sight before me, drowning upon a disgraceful canvas of lack of emotion. Terror. Despair. Powerless. Hatred. All of them took over my heart; they get mixed into such a disturbance, at the end; they turned into cold shivers. Blankness. Nothing at all. My body was cold. So cold I could felt something starting burning into me.  It’s enough to have been a cruel effigy, hewn from marble. Without breath, nor rise nor fall of lung. Not a mere  muscle  moved; not a twitch, not the cavernous proclamations, not a playful tone. There is nothing, and it’s the truth, definitive silence that sinks a great and unrecognizable, welling gravity deep within my heart. I looked for a beat. I looked for a movement. I even tried to listen for a breath or a reprimand; a scolding. There was still nothing, and the incense of grief hasn’t left so easily. It just didn’t. I ashamedly stood dull at first, bewildered and in solitude. I was born into this realm alone, cold and embittered in the twisted soul’s manifestation. I roamed continuously for signs of life. I refused to believe it to be true— to be the reality. I didn’t let myself shed tears for the finality of this being’s death. I couldn’t. Something didn’t let me do; this horror. So familiar. My heartbeats, I couldn’t hear it within my eardrums. The atmosphere lied a cold truth. No. A dream. Something that was far from needed to be even seen— again. The air was thin. The corpse and I weren’t longer alone into such small forest. I could feel this look— this pair of orbs gazing onto my back. My eyes slowly lifted up. My head sifted. A visual contact has been made._

_Those juvenile eyes. His traits were void from emotion; it sent a shiver down my spine. The other counterpart’s head tilted to the side, gazing behind me. Curious. Almost innocent. Our gaze meets once again. This paradoxical event… although no question came from me as I hardly believe this young boy could even answer if I voiced any, I remained still. My members… as if I could feel them. They were icy cold. It didn’t pass unnoticed to him. I knew I was an opened-book for the other._

_Then, he stepped forward, diminishing the separation between the both of us. My breath went slower and slower at every steps of his. The muscles of my throat tightened. I was lacking of oxygen. I felt dizzy. ‘Is this a dream? Why does it feel so realistic? A dream…? I don’t remember the last time I actually had one.’ My body didn’t listen to my mind signals. It stayed motionless. My body was getting heavier and heavier. His left hand suddenly lifted; my eyes followed his very movement, slowly. No hesitation. I knew what was waiting for me. I felt it. His hand waves; my head turned to the side and there they were. My iris enlarged as if they tried to understand what was before them. This sight. Mouth gapped, a rush of emotions filling my thoughts to a rate where it was confusing me highly, not knowing which one to resort to for this situation, even if I knew the one that was most adequate; tears and sadness just wouldn’t come out. Instead, a gasp left me breathless, blinking repeatedly as if to check if the image in front of me was reality and not the pure creation of my subconsciousness. My eyes sockets developed as I’d just been struck down with the force of emotion.  Tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, a faint warning as to my unstable, anxious and nervous mood. God, I hated that, I hated it with a passion when those unsure feelings coursed unevenly throughout my body, making me unable to move from an inch, albeit how much mind brain would yells at me to run away. I was    stock    between two worlds. Worlds I wished to end as quickly as the light. I couldn’t bare the sight. I couldn’t handle what my eyes were seeing. ‘Why? Why can’t I move?’_

_The surroundings changed— walls. Lights off. My first thought was a house, I automatically remembered. I knew this place very well. A conflict within my mind has been evoked upon this. Suffocating was the only word to describe this new air. After so long, my hands could move. They brought themselves to my upper piece of clothing. The oxygen couldn’t pass fully. Everything was blurry— except this visage. Slew. Words into my brain were dark, low, tiredly being spoken; I seemed to be entering into a state of denial, depression and yet the shock still had me immobile._

_The petite figure was sitting before me while I, was onto my knees. My legs couldn’t support the weight of my body and let me fall onto my knees. The presence closer to me averted his gaze toward a specific place. All I was seeing was her. Then slowly, the corpse started to decompose, tiring itself within small pieces,  before becoming two masses— then turn into two humans bodies, familiar to my memory. The young boy affixed his dark eyes upon me. His head inclined inward, yet, his eyes were glued on my being. My heart, I couldn’t tell if it was beating to slowly I couldn’t heart it or beating so fast and loudly, I went deaf. I didn’t know. I didn’t need to know. All I knew; he spoke. I read his lips._

_“めんどくさい, ね?”  
Troublesome, right?_

_Inaudible snicker._

_“君の身から出た錆だ.”  
You have no one but yourself to blame._

* * *

I bleeds the salt of my soul and as it pours from my eyes where my clenched fists press blocking all of the attack, I sees the darkness that I knew will soon swallow me and I fears it, longs for it. It’s a primal reaction of our bodies when we are scared to let out a sound alerting others of the danger and perhaps scaring off the source of danger; but this danger was so high. So overwhelming, my own bloodcurdling scream woke me up. There was something around me. I couldn’t move. My first instinct was trying to get away from this hold. I couldn’t tell where I was nor with whom. The warmness of my own body started to leave; I was icy cold. So cold, my whole anatomy was shivering. I felt something touching my face, furnishing small caresses. Even if I wanted, my eyes remained shut. Hard.

“Everything is alright— I am here, my darling.”

My eyelids were no longer heavy.

“It’s a bad dream… breathe slowly.”

Something left my shoulders once I’ve heard such voice. A sudden rush of adrenaline which then leads to shock and then rising relief. Harrowed but relieved, I instinctively solaced even more into the hold that was around me. I stayed like this for a moment; willing my pulse and breathe to calm down. I couldn’t help to take some deep breath time to time due my previous sobbing. A hand then placed itself upon my hair; running through them within a delicate motion as if I was glass.

The person that was holding me sat themselves correctly, their back against the wall. They kept holding me firmly against them, my head onto their chest. I could tell my eyes were swollen. I couldn’t open them fully.

Slowly a visage appeared from the corner of my eyes. I looked at the woman; Yumi.

“How do you feel?” she asked.

Yumi gave me a worried look. I couldn’t vocalize what I was currently feeling. Was this even true? Was it real? A pain slowly awaken into my arm. My right one. The pain wasn’t that unbearable— still. It was annoying me. _‘This pain…’_ A trail of shivers went down my spine. I was now trembling under my mother’s arms. _‘It is true. Emily… She died just like…I almost.. passed as well… just like.. just like—’_ The air suddenly became hard to get. I felt my mother’s hand furnishing small pats onto my back. I felt her concern. I felt both of their anxiety way too much. So much I was getting sicken to my stomach. My skin was getting incredibly damp; my heart was racing so much, I was hearing it in my ears. It was hammering my ribs; a pain was now there. I was suffocating. I needed air. Fresh air.

“Shirō, breathe slowly.” said the nanny. “Concentrate on your breathing.”

My mother moved me with a lot of difficulties; I was wholly clung onto her. After some seconds, with the help of the other, I was now sitting on my mother, on the side, a position they both judged better for me. One of Yumi’s hands lifted up to my face, I flinched then defended myself. I couldn’t understand her intention. I was stuck. Even though I tried to understand— to make everything clear in my brain; all was a mess.

“You’re safe with us.” she said.

My instinct was screaming for danger. Danger to come. He would come. He will. I’ve seen everything. I’ve heard everything. _‘It can’t be happening…’_

“무서워요…!” I gasped. _  
I’m scared…!_

“What are you scared of, darling?” asked my mother.

“… 그는 … 그는 나를 발견 할 것이다…” _  
…he…he will find me…_

Yumi leant in; bringing her visage to the closest proximity. Her eyes met mine. She was smiling; yet her expression was firm and severe. I couldn’t help to incline my head inward and backing up slightly. I barely hided myself into the other. This sudden approach left me agitated. I wasn’t feeling well. I was tired. I just wanted to sleep, but again, something would stop me. I couldn’t let myself sleeping.

“There’s no way he will find you.” She held my chin. “Now, breathe slowly. Follow our rythme.” 

It wasn’t my first panic attack. I’ve made many of them; yet this one, the danger would soon come. Albeit how many times during the weekend my parents and nanny would tell me everything will be alright, something in the back of my mind was telling me the exact opposite, but at the same, something was telling me I needed to relax myself. _“I’m sorry…”_ This word have been spoken with sincerity at my great surprise. In addition, his very doings were made with hesitation. He was hesitating. His eyes were reflected something I couldn’t really put into words. Helpless? Tenderness? Guilt? Probably one of these. I couldn’t question myself on this. Why hesitate? Why hesitate when he could’ve just got rid of me? He wouldn’t lose something if he would have done it, actually. With the way he has… murdered Emily, he could’ve done the same to me. Or, was he waiting for the perfect moment to do it? He seems to be the type of person who held an  interest  to any sadistic acts. Still, he apologized. He did. It was honest. His oblivious persona isn’t clear. I could be wrong as I could be right. I let out a growl. I couldn’t believe what happened.

All weekend, the news was about this. The people in my house tried their best to not bring this up, but my mother couldn’t not put this under silence and had a talk with me. She even brought the idea of placing me into another school, but I refused. Wherever I would be, the police would come to me; all her friends knew I was the last person to whom she spoke to before this happen. My parents didn’t know this; nor Yumi.

I went to school against my will. 

* * *

I went to my school’s bedroom. Classes started in five minutes picked up my stuff and walked straight toward my biology class. So many students were speaking under their breathe. Whispers. Rumors. I felt like they were all looking at me. Speaking of me. I felt so many pair of eyes onto my back, but perhaps it all was in my mind, that’s what I thought and I went along with it until I reached my course. Everyone was there, except him. I was relieved; yet anxious. At the same time, it wasn’t surprising, showing up after what he did, would’ve been quite an idiotic act from him. He wasn’t stupid.

I walked in and placed myself at my respective place, Tyler took Kirill’s place. I lifted my gaze and I saw two police officers next to the teacher and there was one at the end of the class. Thee in total. This annoying sensation in my throat and stomach was there again. I couldn’t look up. I kept my eyes down. Then, the   bell   rang and the class started. Miss Gibson spoke.

“Good morning class. First, I want to advise everyone to calm down and relax if any of you is stressed. We have the visit of the police of our city. They will be in charge of the class. They will explain why they are here and all the necessities.”

Once she ended her speaking, one of the police officers spoke.

“Thank you, Miss. Good morning, to you all.”

“Good morning, Mister.”

He barely smiled.

“I am sure the majority of you is aware or have at least the mere idea of why me and my teammates are here. For those who don’t know, you will know why eventually. It is about one of your classmate. Your friend. Emily Rodriguez.”

Hearing her name tensed my throat.

“On Saturday, during the evening, her parents reported her lack of presence and how many times she didn’t answer to her phone   calls . The researches had started after. It didn’t took too long before find where she was as the last time she has been seen was around the school, and let me tell you all; it was a shock. Not only for her parents, friends, acquaintances, but for us also. Finding a young teenager, like this in a small forest near her own school, affect a lot of sensitives heart. I have a daughter of her age. It hurts— just thinking about it.”

“It sure does.” continued another one. “It isn’t our intention to bring fear, sadness or any negative feelings to you, young people, but we have and must speak about it, before anything like this happen again. We want your cooperation and understanding. We will for sure investigate and ask a lot of you about your friend Emily.”

Hearing her once more made my head incline inward. _‘I knew from the beginning they would ask students about her, so why am I starting to feel this panic?’_ Something touched brushed my right arm. I looked to my side. Tyler looked at me and showed a smile small. A gentle one. _“Cheer up.”_ was the thing I read on his lips. I automatically averted my gaze. If he knew… Oh—if only he knew…

“I hope you people know how the laws work. If any one of you knows a major clue of what happened on Friday night, you must let us know it. Every victim has the right to have justice. Every of them. That’s why we would like you all to help us. And if any of you have more details, have heard or even saw things; let us know. You don’t know how helpful it would be for the family and friends. It is a must. Because, we all know that an eyewitness can turn into a potential accomplice […]”

I stopped listening since then. An accomplice. This word echoed into my brain during the entire course. I felt dizzy; slightly. Going to school this morning wasn’t a great idea, yet I didn’t want to anyone to have the slightest of what actually happened— I wasn’t a great liar also. Albeit I took a pill Yumi gave me, I feared the idea of having another panic attack in any time soon; especially in the presences of those people. I wished the time would go faster. Waiting always has been a pain unbearable. And this moment, no words could describe how wrong I was feeling. I knew it all. I knew it. I could bring myself to say it. I didn’t want to narrate everything. Not like that time. Especially not like that time. The simple thought of it evoked a pain in my chest. I barely grimaced. I’ve never asked for all of this. _Seriously. What worse could happen, next? Aigoo.._

I left the course within a hurried step. I walked toward my locker. I stood before it silently, completely lost, questioning myself when would be the great time to explain what was happened to the police. I wouldn’t keep it for myself. I couldn’t. She was a friend and for the other, the roof in which he was living under wasn’t a great place; so jail, but— we were in a state where the death sentence was still used. He committed murder. I let out a sight; willing my brain to relax and stop thinking too much. I shouldn’t have come to school. I needed to rest. My emotional state was far from being stable.

As I made my code, I opened my locker.

“왜… ?” I whispered under a breath. _  
why…?_

Knife; which there was a remaining of blood. Phone; hers. I couldn’t believe what was before me. Why these were in my locker? Why would he…? My jaw clenched. My stomach started to ache. I brought one of my hands over my stomach. My breath was slowly getting heavier.  I looked at it all and noticed a small piece of paper. I took it and closed my locker quickly; not giving the chance to whomever wants to see what I was hiding. 

I glued my eyes on the paper and almost choked on my own saliva.

` Let’s play a little game.  
`

I expected a sign from him. He wouldn’t have stayed in the background doing nothing, for sure. A game. _‘Playing with me here and there before ending me— really? It wasn’t only this.’_ I glanced to my left and my right before bringing my attention back to this message. Was it really necessary to do a game when the school was filled with the police?  _‘This jerk.’_  The task will be burdensome. Pretty much. I bet he knew it very well. My fingers clenched onto this small piece of paper. Something wanted to come out; I didn’t let it. I felt a supreme irritation. Something was telling me no matter what I might do will turn against me for some reasons. I might do something wrong while playing this game, but what would it be? I didn’t know.

I opened my locker and placed my stuff in it and closed it. My next course was music. _I don’t think he would show up_. Even though it was obvious, I wasn’t feeling safe at all. Despite how many people were around me, albeit the police’s presence was in the school and outside I was not feeling safe. I couldn’t help feeling that I wouldn’t be doing this task properly. Trying to think like him seemed totally impossible. _‘Why even bother? There’s no way he would be dangerous in the morning or simply during the whole day. We are not alone. Not this time. Breathe…’_ I let out a suspiration; willing my anxiety and irritation to cool down before heading toward my course. Where I didn’t stop thinking about the previous event. All the possible inquiry reached my mind at least twice. Turning them in every possible sense; no answer. The teacher noticed my lack of presence during the course, but went along with it, blaming on the current situation which I was aware of; A to Z. I didn’t know how it started, but I knew how it ended. The images traveled through me. A little more, I could experience all the emotions of that night. If it wasn’t two unfamiliar voices that didn’t shake me, I would’ve lived it once more. The principal and a police officer. He came to speak once more about the current event. There was now a new curfew. Earlier than the previous one. 07:00PM. Some students protested; but the reprimand was dry and direct. No risk will be taken from now on, the principal said. There was also something the police offer pointed out during the speaking upon the questioning of a student. How the victim has been murdered. It seemed that the wounds have been made with the help of a human, yet there was another character in the background. An animal. If we consider how she has been killed, we could classify this as animosity, but we wouldn’t. _‘An animal and a human…’_ An image has been evinced into my mind. Those pupils. Impossible. My emotions and mind weren’t stable. I could’ve been hallucinated. I definitely did.

Their speaking took the whole time of the course. I was disappointed, yet glad. Music relaxes me, but I wasn’t in the perfect mood to sing neither. Before leaving the course, the teacher reminded me to still be prepared for the next class. I nodded then left. My steps were slow. My very acts were on the defensive state. The impression of being watched has been clung onto my back wherever I would’ve been. As I reached my locker, a pressure settled upon my shoulders. My body flinched abruptly. I lifted my head and met a pair of blues eyes. He wasn’t alone; a girl was next to him. Her smile was sad, yet amused. A friend of Emily. Both of them were friend with her. Indeed. _Were_.

“Yo, I wasn’t about to hurt you or whatever. Relax—”

He offered me a friendly smile, so did the other girl. My smile was quite small.

“I know it’s shocking what is happening, but it’s a first, y’know. The school isn’t bad. Try to cool down, little man. Would like to join us at lunch? Emily spoke to you about us, didn’t she? I’m sure she did.” he continued.

“Yes.” I simply replied. 

“Alright, see you later then. If you don’t come, I will find you. You better join us.”

The girl laughed and they left. Leaving me with my locker, which I opened quickly. Waiting made me sicken to my stomach, almost. I saw another piece of paper. A second note? So, he is in the school. How did he know the number of my locker?… If he knows it, that’s mean he also knows the number of my bedroom. Well, he doesn’t have my keys. Still, he managed to open my locker, albeit my padlock password wasn’t that obvious. What is up with this guy? I tossed my thoughts aside and read the second note.

`` Do exactly as I say if you want to survive,  
I am watching…   


With precaution, from the corner of my eyes, I looked at my surroundings. Students running here and there, trying to not be late at their courses. I’ve seen nothing. Not the slightest sign of him. Even if I concentrated myself, I couldn’t even detect anything coming from him, as odd as it could sound. Something in this message annoyed me. ‘Do exactly as I say.’ I must obey or something? I found this quite insolant. It caused my teeth to clench against each other. I was obligated to do something against my will, not for myself but for someone of his kind. _‘Who does he think he is?’_  
Before I could close my locker, I noticed another piece of paper. I picked it up without touching the weapon. 

`Go to your room, there would be a plastic bag on the bed.  
Don’t talk to anybody on your way…`

At the end of the reading, the air seemed to have lowered quickly. I was feeling cold. Why was I even surprised? He opened my locker; the password was numbers; while a door, anyone could open a door. It doesn’t take too much to open such thing. The thing that got me was; how did he know it was my room? 301. _I don’t remember seeing him on the third floor of the dorm nor seeing him passing by whenever I was at my locker before this happen._ _Perhaps he was looking over for afar. No, during that time, I wasn’t existing into his eyes._ Whatever it was, he would have wait. I had courses; I wouldn’t skip them for him. Especially not for him. 

I placed the paper in my pocket and walked toward my next courses before lunch time. Each course was slow and was lack of life. A lot of student seemed affected, some were from afar. _This girl was friend with everyone._ Seeing that was far from being pleasant. I actually disliked that and tried to keep my composure until each class would end and the lunch time would start. Once it did, I went straight to the dorm. I took my time. I needed this small walk to actually think and put in order my thoughts. _‘Don’t talk to anybody on your way…’_ I misunderstood this. I didn’t think anyone would try to have some conversation with me, honestly. Everyone seemed busy and quite disturbed—yet; when I reached the third floor, I felt something touching my shoulder and heard a familiar voice. I stopped walking and looked over my shoulder. At my great surprise, it was this guy. Again.

“I told you I will find you.”

I forgot about this. I accepted his offer under a hurry. I scratched the back of my head, offered him an apologetic smile before walking again. Tyler followed me.

“Hey— Don’t lock yourself in your room. Come with me.”

His left arm snaked around my neck; pulling, our bodies were now close to each other. Friendly. What an odd way to be friendly. To be honest.

“Why running away? Am I that scary?” he asked.

My eyes went onto him. His body figure was similar to the other and, that guy, was surely watching us. If he shows up, I think we could… Why am I even preparing something like that? As if this scene could even happen. I couldn’t suppress a sigh. I took my distance from the blond. His face showed his puzzlement.

“Mei-be …next time.” I simply replied. 

I felt somehow bad for him, but I didn’t let him the mere second to add anything; I hided myself in my bedroom. I turned on the lights with a lot of hesitation. Even if I knew, I couldn’t help this feeling. I first looked around and compared how the room looked in the morning to now. Everything seemed to be at the right place. He didn’t touch anything. Only the air was different. And, as he said; the plastic bag was indeed onto my bed with it, a small note. I placed my stuff on my desk and walked to my bed. I picked up the note and read it. This one was pretty long.

`Put the knife and phone in the bag using only your hands. Only.  
Go back to your room with the bag in your hands then let it on your bed…`

_With bare hands?_ My brows arched. Something was lying behind this order. Something suspicious. Something with this wasn’t right. It evoked so many unanswered questions inside of my head. Being unable to get a vivid, detailed and quick answer was placing a burden over my shoulders; yet I could even let out the mere complaint. Why would it change anyway? Complaining wouldn’t change the mere thing. This being was lacking any sign of compassion at my regard, since the very beginning. I did believe at the hatred at the first sight, but never would I’ve expected such level. Perhaps I should’ve stayed in the background, not helping. It was my lesson. No one will show gratefulness. I should go along with this, still— it will irritate me anyway.

I took the bag. Placed it in my pocket and left my room. I locked it. Once. Twice. I made sure it was well locked. I tried to open it even though I knew it was perfectly locked. I just couldn’t help it. I developed a new habit, I didn’t care, I put the blame on the fear in the back of my head, that won’t leave me before a long time. I walked toward my locker. I stood before it for a moment. The corridors were empty; it was lunch time after all. This opportunity helped me to open my locker. Seeing these things sent shivers down my spine. This knife was once so close to me. This blood… This blood could’ve been mine, but it wasn’t. Instead, it was the one of my friend. A pressure settled inside my stomach. I shouldn’t feel this way. It supposed to be him. _‘I bet he is relaxing well onto his bed.’_ Or maybe he wasn’t at all. I didn’t need to point out again how hesitant he has been on this sole chance. A chance that wouldn’t present itself again. _‘Don’t be that confident.’_ I clenched my teeth. I looked around, subtle. Even if I wanted to pick up those things with gloves, I couldn’t. Where could I found some? _‘Papers.’_ I didn’t take any risk and used my own hands as requested this jerk. Once the knife was in the bag, I reached for the phone. I examined it carefully. Was it even turned off? It was. There was also blood on it. My heart spiraled into an abyss, wherein shame and confusion filled its absence. A feeling I longer felt was settling into my chest. My throat was way too small to let my saliva pass properly. 

Why did it even happen? I couldn’t understand.

I folded the bag, then closed my locker. I went back to my bedroom. While I was getting there, I passed before the psychologist. He was in the presence of some girls. I didn’t really paid attention; I was—again—in a hurry. I needed to reach my room. 

When I got there and passed my key in the handle; the door was still locked. Hopefully. I unlocked it and went it. I closed the door behind me. I made my way to my bed and placed the bag there. Although I knew my roommate wouldn’t put her nose in my stuff, I couldn’t help to place a blanket over the plastic bag; hiding it with care. Who knows, probably those polices could make some check-up in every rooms. I didn’t take any risk with this.  
After I’ve done this, I remained in my room during the whole lunch time. Two hours in my room. I didn’t move. Sitting on a chair; staring at my bed. My eyelids were getting heavier, but the burdensome feeling within me chased away my tiredness as soon as it came. What a source of dread. I looked away. What happened the Saturday night came into my mind. The way I woke up, … _‘I should get myself something. It surprising I still can listen to class and have the right answers. Still— I wonder how I will when the exams will come.’_ This panic attack wasn’t as light as people can think. It felt real. The realism of this was so overwhelming, I felt like the end was so close to me. All of this because of _two things_. 

* * *

 

When I came back from my last course, there was a note on my desk, in my room. I gave a quick glance onto my bed, the bag was no longer there. I brought my eyes once more on the piece of paper.

`Meet me in my room at 19PM…`

The time of the new curfew.  He didn’t assist at his course during the whole day. I couldn’t be angry about the time of the meeting. Kirill was surely not aware of the change. I needed to find a way to sneak out. 

I was laying on my bed. Waiting. Waiting was a pain. Waiting for this was a stress I personally didn’t need, but I was pretty sure he was enjoying it. My hypothesis was clear; this guy is a sadist. I shouldn’t be surprised by this. With this kind of living in his house, it was the result. The result of several abuses. No. I didn’t help after each, only after the recent ones. No sign of gratefulness. Only negativity. Nothing. Instead, I got a weapon near my skin. This— This was another story. He had his reasons. Still, was this the reason of his hesitation? Guilt? “I’m sorry.” He did mean it, but his actions confuse his words. It confused me at the end. What will happen once I see him? Of course, I will question him. I will, for sure. Why did he even murder her?  All she did was speaking to him. She stopped trying once he ignored her. She did nothing wrong… And, why did he hesitate? Why? And in his notes, why it was important for him that I use my bare hands? I don’t feel this. Not at all. Something in this will be against me. I must take some precautions, but what? I spent most of my time thinking and analyzing the situation in itself.

* * *

 

With this event; the school had supervisors at night. They couldn’t let the number of murder to reach a highest one. It was understandable; however, it didn’t ease my task in away. I needed to wait for the one at my floor to have passed to my room, so I could leave. Yet,… I looked at my watch; two minutes before the meeting.   _‘Be by my side for once, Lord.’_ I stood up on the tip of my toes and walked to my door. Before opening it, I looked behind, I saw my phone. An idea crossed my mind. I was glad I thought of this.

I opened my door silently, the supervisor meters away from where I was. Silently and subtly, I sneaked out of my room. I closed the door behind me with the most care I could. I head toward the stairs; holding my breath and praying for not being caught. I walked down them and was now at the second floor of the dorm. I had to hide myself for some seconds before walking slowly toward the meeting place. My footsteps were light and defensive. My breathe was light. Stress? Yes. Pretty much. The more I was getting closer, the more my stomach was painful. I looked at the time. I was six minutes late. I hurried a little and reached the door. Everything was slow; my hand lifted slowly. My mouth was dry. The warmness of my body dropped. There was only inches apart; the door opened abruptly. A hand reached out. Grabbing on my collar; I’ve been pulled. I’ve heard the door being closed then a small sound. I didn’t suppress a gasp in. My body reacted; I placed my hands on this intrusive one. It literally let go once I touched it. 

My eyes went everywhere. The room was dark due the lack of lights. The lights from outside wasn’t that enough— Still, I could see his form. Way too close. The distance between us wasn’t that huge. My personal space has been violated. I stepped backward, placing a reasonable distance between us. I couldn’t see his face; I was looking away. I felt his eyes upon me, but I refused to look at him. I was incredibly uneasy, I forced myself to keep composure and cool down. _He hesitated once. Why not twice? Relax._

“Thanks for the bag.”

His tone; amused. I automatically looked at him. _‘You thank me for this but not for the others stuff I did some days ago? Now that I think about it, I wonder what he has done with the pull I gave him.’_ I choose the right words and tone; clear and nonchalant.

“—aren’t there other t-things you should sankyu me for?” I asked.

His eyebrows barely furrowed. His features were stern.

“Aren’t you a little too confident? Talking to me like that, with that tone.”

“I … should be afraid?”

“No… You already are, actually. When you looked at me, your pupils dilated which means two things; love or fear.” A pause. “But you’re not that much stupid, are you—so… that leaves us with; fear.” He said.

I should’ve felt offended, but… The change in his tone left within me a sensation I really wanted to get rid of. His tone; idle, amused and somehow provocative. He made a step forward. I didn’t move, not because I didn’t want to—something wouldn’t let me. 

“Still. You aren’t scared as you think. You don’t know it yet, but I can see in you…—“

The separation between us diminished even more. His head inclined forward; barely. I suddenly felt exposed. 

“—Pleasure.”

My throat tensed. _‘Did I hear well?’_

“You enjoy the adrenaline rush, in other words; you like action. You don’t know it simply because your life is way too casual, but you still do. I saw it. You didn’t even hesitate to grab the knife with your bare hands. Some people would’ve touched it with gloves. You didn’t care. You should be more careful, though. Adrenaline can make you do things without thinking.”

I’ve noticed a movement from him; his right hand lifted up at the level of my eyes. I automatically looked at it. My full attention was laid on his hand, but I kept listening to his very words.

“Look at my hand… my fingers. Can you see the difference between yours and mine?”

I lowered my gaze to my own hand and brought it up. _‘His fingers doesn’t—’_

“I don’t leave marks. **You** do. Now, it’s your prints on the knife.”

I felt a void. A void in which a sentiment of panic would soon fill. I tried to stop it by keeping my composure as much as I was capable of. I averted my gaze. Looking into those eyes wouldn’t help at all. I needed to concentrate on my own breathe and heartbeats. This situation was upon me. I didn’t have the mere control and it did annoy me. Very much. This sensation flew through my veins. My teeth clenched. An unforgivable mistake of mine. _‘So—This is the thing that will be against me. My mark.’_ This was not the only thing that disturbed me to the point I was feeling cold; his words. I wouldn’t let this fool me. Those words were sitting on nothing. How could he even tell? ‘ _He doesn’t know anything.’ He doesn’t_. My eyes went up and locked a visual contact with eyes. There was a small silence. I looked down again; looking at my feet. They were pointing inward. I looked up once more.

“…You’re planning to p-put the… blame on my back, aren’t you?”

“No… I won’t use it against you— unless you don’t give me other choices.“

“Wei--- _why._. didn’t… you do it?” I cut off.

I stared straight into his eyes. Sure I was questioning myself so many others, but that one was burning onto my tongue. 

“You can ask as many questions as you want, I don’t care.”

He took his distance and walked toward his desk. I followed his very action from the corner of my eyes. Idle.

“—But why I did or didn’t do something is none of your business, I have my reasons and those reasons are going to stay in my head only. Clear?”

 _‘Guilty of something?_ I didn’t move from where I was and kept on looking at him. He sat himself, took some papers and then started to put his thoughts—whatever it was in writing. I raised a brow, intrigued. I did have countless questions ready being asked; yet, no words came from me and him neither. A silence settled. He seemed quite concentrated. One step after another, I slowly got myself closer to him and stood beside him— with no hesitation. Sure, the previous second left in me some insecurities, but I passed through them and put them far from me. He will not put this against me. 

I took a look on his papers. Something wouldn’t leave my mind. I looked up at him.

“Are you… guilty of some’ing?”

Silence.

“W..why did you hesitate?”

Again, silence. He was ignoring me, obviously. I couldn’t help to feel that sudden irritation.

“It shouldn’t be _that_  ….personal. Ansswer me.”

Five seconds- Thirty seconds- One minute—Two minutes. Nothing. At all. Only those papers got his full attention. I got annoyed by this. I let out a long suspiration; willing my annoyance to leave. Even if I tried; it didn’t actually leave. Being ignored is far from pleasant. 

“…Hei.”

“…”

“Kilitsu _—_ ”

I reached my left hand out; at first, it was about to solace itself along his shoulder but, rose up and went straight to his face. Nothing brutal nor aggressive. Only a single flick on his jawline. All I earned from this gesture was negative. Idle. Concentrated, the other simply continued on writing, as if my presence was gone. Nothing new. As far as I could remember, it always has been like this. He ignores me. Since the beginning, my presence has never been appreciated. I’ve never expected to be accepted or anything; but at this rate? _Does he hate me? Could be a strong possibility. Still. If it was really the case; I wouldn’t be here at his sides. Why her and not me? Why her in the first place?_

“Why have you done t-this to her?”

“I didn’t plan on killing her… I didn’t plan on killing anyone, but I don’t feel guilty and I am not happy about it…”

A thin pause.

“I feel nothing…”

“If so, you wouldn’t have ap’oologized.”

His head turned toward me; a visual contact settled between the both of us.

“ _Apologized_. Why do you want to know if I’m guilty or not?” he asked.

My brows arched.

“Because this would e-explain your question.”

“Hesitation, and it doesn’t have anything to do with that— _Ugh_ … Forget it, okay? Just be glad I didn’t kill you.”

 _‘Forget it? I should try to **forget it**?’ _ As if this wasn’t a matter? As if this being wasn’t the first bond I ever tried to elaborate? As if, it won’t be arduous to not have any dream related to this. As if to sleep with those images will be to most easiest action to do. I looked at him silently. I placed two fingers on each side of my head; caressing my temples. A headache was slowly coming.

“Be also glade I gave my help.”

My arms were crossed upon my chest.

“You didn’t help. I didn’t let you any choices.” he replied.

“—I wasn’t referring to this. Is your back doing great?”

“Oh. Do you want to take a look by yourself and see how my scars re-opened and got infected by the mud and how the bruises are not healing?”

My head tilted to the side, my eyes affixed within his. There was a small smile at the corner of my lips. A smile I could’t really hide. He then suddenly turned his figure and distracted his person with whatever was near him. My eyes haven’t really used themselves into such darkness. Still, I could see. I couldn’t tell if my smile annoyed him? Perhaps it did. The instant I thought this way, his head shifted and there was a smile on his face. He was smiling. A smile without the slightest hint of emotion or even feelings. Nothing. If it wasn’t an insincere one; I would’ve find it charming, but unfortunately, it was not the case.

“Have anything else to say?”

I ran my left hand through my hair; some locks were veiling my vision.

“You will not answer, so I have nothing more to add.” I said.

“Okay… Have a good night.”

His used tone; something was laced within in. The air temperature rose up. My jaw clenched barely. The way my body reacted left me perplex. Such sensation was unusual. I looked at him. The instant I was about to vocalize my thoughts, the alteration within his eyes; pupils and iris got my full concern. Those eyes—I saw them before. I remember them very well. The atmosphere around me sent slight shivers through my body due the images and words my memory was flashing. _‘…the wounds have been made by a human and the help of an animal…’_ I brought my left hand over my right shoulder and took a single step back. A silhouette aside him formed, I saw it all from the corner of my eyes. A shadow? Then, two eyes opened themselves. Eyes similar to his. I examined the form carefully and a gasp sucked in.  _‘A dog…—–W–Wolf?‘_ The darkness of its fur was astonishing. His anatomy was quite impressive. Taller than regulars wolves. Our eyes locked. His body moved, slowly. I couldn’t believe what was before me. Seeing this animal getting closer to me froze my person in their place. Yet; no stress. The air was not filled with anything that would’ve awaken my survival instinct. However; I couldn’t stop this small fear in the back of my mind. 

It stopped in front of me. Our visual contact haven’t broke. The wolf walked around me, I followed its very doings from the corner of my eyes, silently; way too shocked to even say the mere syllable. There was a sensation within my stomach I wished that would be gone as soon as it came. I closed my eyes; trying to control my thoughts. Before I could understand what happened, there was a physical contact. Affectionate. Its head was being stroked against my right thigh—it was pretty tall—, just like any other animal like his race would do to get affection from the human kind. The instant; it happened—my mind went blank. 

Reluctant to do so, I slowly, carefully placed my hand on top its head and furnished a sole caress through its fur. This touch opened my eyes on how the situation itself, albeit how incredible it was, wasn’t as heavy as I thought it was, at first. This beast’s gestures were so similar to a tamed pet, I almost find it endearing. _‘Is this real?’_ It didn’t last that long, it went back next to Kirill. His surprise didn’t pass unnoticed before me. I wasn’t the only one to see this animal. Surely he---himself---wouldn’t be able to describe this odd phenomena---if it was real, only. It was way too unrealistic to be true. For a moment we remained idle, not a sound, nor even a hushed whisper was heard from us.

I tensed. This fear at the back of my mind was growing slowly; I automatically kept my composure as much as I was capable of. My eyes went down to the beast. The distance between us wasn’t that far. I took a step forward. I needed to make my mind clear and take a small risk, at least. I reached my hand out, carefully. A single finger lifted up; I barely inclined my upper body, before touching the head of the wolf. Its head moved; my palm was fully touching this fur, fur that was almost plushy at my great surprise. My fingers slightly started to stroke its head. It moved and got closer. I lowered my stature to reach its height level. Its visage nuzzled against mine, my body reached and flinched--- not used to any kind of contact from that kind of animal. It tried once more; I didn’t move. Its whiskers gave me small chills; ticklish. I supposed it took note of this; simply because it didn’t stop. I let out a laugh. Having this _giant dog_ nuzzling against my figure was almost endearing. Sure, at first, it made me incredibly uncomfortable, even afraid--- I still was, but at the moment, I was more at ease. Perhaps. Petting this animal brought a smile on my lips. It reminded me my own pet. She was as adorable as this beast. 

I turned my head toward the other and took a look. I stood up straight and stepped backward, barely. The shock haven’t left him--- _quite understandable_ _though_. I cleared my throat and looked away.

“Do you think... you could explain  _this_?”


	11. Chapter nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the apparition of Mal—the wolf— it seemed like his presence brought both boys to have a kind of connection...

## 

“I think you’re the one who owe me an explanation.”

“’cuse-me?”

“How can you see him? I thought I was the only one who could see him…”

He was now watching me as if what I was saying was making no sense. His eyes wandered back to the wolf and stopped on its neck. His fingers moved slowly to hold a small chain, from the wolf’s neck. There was a small metallic piece attached to it… a medal?

“It says he’s yours.”

“What?”

“It’s your wolf…”

“No! I don’t own a fucking wolf. I thought I was hallucinating it!”

“Why... would you be hallucinating a wolf?!”

“I tent on hallucinating a lot lately, I think I’m on a relapse..”

“A re’apse? Re’apse of what?”

“I thought it was kind of… obvious. I’m schizophrenic.“

He looked at the beast for a moment then said:

“There was animal prints on the body...”

“And..?”

“You didn’t tamed that wolf... _dog_?”

“Are you kidding me? It’s a wolf! Do I look like a wolf tamer or something? Because I’m not! I can’t even tame myself…”

He looked up at me. There was something in his eyes. Challenge? Did he think he could tame me? I raised a brow and he looked away. Good choice.

“I can prove that wolf is not real.“

“How?”

“Take a picture of it.”

I found that my hallucinations, even the more realistic ones, didn’t appear on pictures as the brain was not made to make appear an 2d caption into a 3d scene, something moving that didn’t exist. Something that did exist would be just completely blurry.

He looked at me as if I was a colossal imbecile. I rolled my eyes and took my phone, unlocking it before handing him the device. Now, it was his turn to roll his eyes but he took it anyway. Turning the camera toward the beast I heard the clic of a picture being taken.

“Look at it.”

He sighed but did as I said. As realization of the truth creeped its way, I could see his eyes going wide and his mouth slightly open. His pulse was irregular and a little faster than it should. No fear, just a light panic. I could hear the low _thum thum_ of his heart that was growing way faster than it should. I got up and walked toward him. He backed up quickly not even taking the time to got up. He was sitting on the floor his eyes not leaving mine at all. I kneeled in front of him as he tried to back up again, but got stop by the door behind him.

“Don’t touch me.”

“Breathe. I won’t touch you, but just breathe, you’re starting a panic attack…”

“I’m not!” He cut me. “I’m perfectly fine.”

He wasn’t. His voice was shaking but by the look in his eyes he think I didn’t notice. Dumb child.

“Why can I see him? You created him, make him disappear.”

“I can’t..”

Actually I could… If I focus enough, I can make the visions disappear and make the voices lower the volume. I learned that during a therapy with a psychiatrist. I turned my head toward the beast and close my eyes.

Breath in.

Breath out.

I opened my eyes when I felt gentle fingers touch my jaw. The wolf was gone. I turned back toward him. He didn’t took his fingers away as I thought he would. Why does he keep doing that? Why does it calm me so much? I automatically leaned in his hand, without even thinking. I was looking down. I couldn’t look at him. Not while he was doing that.

”Why do you keep doing that?” I hushed.

He blinked and took his hand away slowly.

“Sorry.”

It was only a low whisper, still audible to my ears, though.

“Why do you apo’ologie?”

Was it so horrible to touch me that the need to apology was too much to handle.

“Because, this is wrong.”

I let a sad laugh against my will. It was that bad.

He tilted his head to the side, examining me for a couples of seconds before cutting the silence bluntly.

“You don’t dislike that.”

I smirked.

“Say the guy who keep touching my jaw. Maybe I don’t dislike it, doesn’t mean I like it, just find it… interesting.”

He lightly squint his eyes, and got up, without breaking the visual contact. I didn’t move, so I was still on my knees, face to him.

“Interesting?”

He looked away, before talking again.

“Ex’pain yourself.”

I blink at the used tone, firm, but still kind of shy, still ordering more than demanding, though. I couldn’t help but smirk and used my arrogant look and flirty tone on this one.

“You’re giving me orders?”

“I followed yours, you’ll follow mine.”

I couldn’t bring myself to take him seriously.

“Or what?”

“Nothing. You _will_ do as I say.”

I tried not to laugh, he was so cute. He was staring at me so I looked at him without talking.

“You s-said you would answer all my question as long as I don’t ask about why you didn’t do or did whatever is the thing. Now answer me.”

“I said I would answer all your questions about what happened. This, doesn’t have anything to do with it. We’ll just say that I find you interesting. And that I have all the right to refuse answering you for something you want to know about what I say, do, or just who I am in general.”

He stayed quiet as his facial expression changed from angry, to a light pout, then turn into pure exasperation. That kid was not used to being told no, I could feel it.

“You’re such a king’s child. A real little prince.”

He looked at me with surprise.

“I am not acting like a spoiled prince. Don’t even use this term with me. I am not.”

“Oh, yes you are.” I said rolling my eyes. “A lot even. You never ask, you just order ‘cause you’re too used to have whatever you want whenever you want. Just know, _sa majesté_ , that it won’t work with me. You want something, fine, I can do it, it will be my pleasure, just ask properly and you won’t hear me say _‘no’_ really often.”

He looked down at me.

“It’s surprising coming from you. You didn’t ask me properly today, yet, you want me to do so.”

“There’s a difference between wanting an answer and wanting someone that saw you murder a girl to stay quiet. I don’t think you are stupid enough to listen to a killer asking you properly to not call the police. Other than that I only give orders when I’m in bed.”

I just had to say the last one, the atmosphere was too heavy for my liking. The more I was talking I could see his face changing gradually, he looked done, then, uncomfortable?

“This detail was nonessential to point out.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, his face was priceless. He looked at me with his eyes slightly wide open, his cheeks turing red as he looks down at the floor. What was wrong with him suddenly. He looked..shy? I ran my hand in my hair and got up. He was still looking down the same way.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

He slightly clear his throat and rub one of his cheeks, without looking at me.

“I’ll go to my room, you’re waisting my time.”

I laughed again.

“Alright princess you can go…no wait, wait. Your shirt, while you’re here. It’s in the desk, first drawer.”

He gave me a glare at the nickname and walked toward the desk as he talks.

“I hope you washed it.”

I rolled my eyes as he open the drawer and grab the shirt. As I was starting to look away I heard him let out a painful lament as he dropped the shirt. I turned toward him, he was staring at his hand, blood was falling from it by small drop. He lifted his head to look at me and gave me a death glare.

“ばか! What is wrong with you!?”

I walked fast to him and grab his wrist to look at his hand. He tried to free himself for my grip but I didn’t let him go.

“Let me go!”

“No! You’re gonna get infected if you don’t clean it properly!”

I pulled him toward the bathroom, he was still trying to escape from my grip, but I ignored him and forced him to sit on the edge of the bath.

“Don’t move, or I won’t be gentle with you.”

I pointed out as I took the bottle of alcohol from the sink’s drawer. Vodka. It would burn a lot. I was used to just pour some directly on my wounds but I couldn’t bring myself to do the same with him. What was wrong with me… I took some tissues and a bandage and kneeled in front of him. I gently took his wrist, turning his palm up. The cut wasn’t too deep, just enough to be painful and bleed a little. I poor some alcohol on the tissue and gently press it on his palm. He instantly pulled away, freeing himself from my grip, I didn’t even had touched him with the tissue. Fucking idiot.

“Are you kidding me, what don’t you understand in ‘not moving’? I didn’t wanted to make it more painful for you, but it seems that I don’t have the choice. Get up.”

I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him to stand up, before tackling him against the sink, his back turned on me. I pressed myself on his back to make sure he wouldn’t move.

“You wanna act like a kid, fine, I’ll teach you how to be a man.”

He tried to move away from me the best he could, but I didn’t moved.

“Don’t t-touche me! Isn’t it clear why I don’t want to be touched after what you have done?!”

“Oh, so, because of what I done I can’t touch you, but you, you can touch me whenever the fuck you want?! You think I’m what, a freaking animal, that you can do everything you want with them, as long as they don’t do anything?! You think this is what I am? You know why I don’t feel bad for killing her? Because humans are all the same. If they see something different they class it as outsiders. You know what they do to outsiders? They beat them, hurt them, make tests on them, like lab rats, they only have the right to suffer. Nothing else. And as soon as we can’t take it and do something wrong, we become monsters. Monsters have to fight to live cause they don’t have that right. Be locked and killed. That’s all they deserve. You saw what happen to me. And what you saw was not even the worst I’ve been through. I didn’t wanted to kill her. I never wanted to hurt someone intentionally. I was not even conscious of my act. When I was it was too late. But I’m still the monster in the story. ‘Cause I’m an outsider. But the day when someone will kill me, they will be treated as hero. Because they’re normals. And I’m a monster.”

I took a deep breath.

“Just stop moving for a minute and I won’t have to touch you. Please.”

He turned his head to the side, in order to look at me, which I couldn’t bring myself to do. My eyes were filled with tears of anger and I didn’t wanted him to see me that way, I shouldn’t even have let him see that other part of me and just shut up. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t want his pity.

“Haven’t you ever t-thought that the one who made you like this could be the monster in the story?”

I bite my lip in order to not say something I shouldn’t say.

“No..”

It was only a whisper, I don’t even know if he heard it or not.

“If I wasn’t a monster he wouldn’t have done all those things to me…I deserved it.”

He looked away and stayed quiet a moment before talking again.

“He called you like this for so long you defined yourself as such.”

I closed my eyes and made some distances between us, not enough for him to actually move but to break the small contact of our bodies. I was tense, my whole body and even my jaw, I was pressing my teeth together so hard it was almost painful. I didn’t want to hear him say that. It was wrong. I was a monster. I always was. Even when my parents were alive. I couldn’t let him tell me those things.

“Stop...”

With the small distance I made he turned himself a little to be able to see me. He lifted his non-injured hand toward my face and with his index, caress the side of my chin, gently. It got me speechless, breathless. I couldn’t move, talk, think. So I stayed there, silent, more tense as before, my breath heavy and tears slowly running down before I could stop them. He hold my jaw, lightly patting it. After some seconds his hand lift but hesitated and stayed in the air, my eyes were just slightly open. After a moment he wiped away the tears on my cheeks. I stayed surprise and the question escaped from me in a broken voice.

“Why... why are you doing that?”

“I…dislike see’ing someone…in such state.”

I looked down.

“But..I don’t understand, the way you talk to me, you’re cold, rude. And that’s how you should be but…why you keep touching me like that after what you said…why does your actions doesn’t reflect your words? Why are you being affectionate with me if you keep reminding me the way you dislike my person. You think I don’t suffer enough like that? I don’t get it.”

My voice was a whisper almost inaudible. His hand left my jaw to rest on my shoulder. He gave a small sigh as he talk.

“I don’t dislike you; I am just mad at you.”

His hand started caressing my shoulder slowly.

“I apo’ogize…”

“No…don’t.”

I let out a fake laugh as I keep talking.

“Why didn’t you just said you dislike me, that would have make it so much easier for both of us…you’re just mad at me…you should hate me. I killed your friend, and I made you the principal suspect..and you’re just mad at me? You don’t dislike me..you’re just mad. I’m the schizophrenic one but right now you sound crazier than I am.”

I made a small smile that I tried to hide.

“Who the hell are you? You’re so interesting..”

Those last sentence were mostly directed to myself more than him so I didn’t let him time to answer and said softly:

“Would you let me take care of your hand if I promise not to touch you...?”

He looked away, but lift his hand from my shoulder and place his injured one in the air in front of my eyes. I made a small smile that I know he wouldn’t see.

“Can you sit on the edge of the bath?”

He nodded and sit as I said. I place myself back the way I was before, kneeling in front of him.

“Show me your hand.” I said in a soft voice.

I wouldn’t touch him so I had to ask for everything. I took the tissue I had earlier and put more alcohol on it as the remaining had dried a little.

“I won’t lie, it will hurt. I don’t have any kind of hand sanitizer only pure alcohol... can I?”

I asked placing the tissue on top of his injury without actually touching yet.

“OK.”

I lightly apply the tissue on his hand. He made a small grimace, but I could see he was trying to hide that he was in pain. I tried to change his thoughts by asking him simple questions.

“I heard there was a policeman that talked to the class..”

“Yes. There’s a new cur’ew.”

“A curfew?”

“After 7PM, we can’t get out of our rooms, there’s people checking every corridors of the dorms.”

“You sneak out?”

“You didn’t give me a choice.”

“You could have told me, I don’t know like place a note on your bed with the bag, I would have understood, I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

He stayed quiet. I looked at him and see he was looking down. My wrists, he was looking at the cuts on my wrists. As I put more pressure on the tissue I slowly lifted my free hand and rest it on the forearm of his injured hand. I waited for him to move away but he didn’t so I started gently caress the inside of his forearm.

“After what happened…did you..went home?” He asked in a small voice.

He was looking at me now.

“I think we don’t have the same definition of home.”

“Ex’pain yourself.”

“For most people home is a place where you feel accept and in comfort. For me home is a feeling. A strong feeling that don’t appear a lot. It comes with a person. That person. The one who make all the pain fade away. The one that even though you know your relation with that person is just wrong, god it feels right. And the scent of that person will always be in your memory. Cause it’s that scent that reminds you how it feels to be ‘home’. Thats what is a home for me. And no I stayed here all weekend.”

I placed the tissue away and softly blow on the wound to make the burning sensation go away before wrapping his hand in the bandage.

“Here. Don’t thank me, I shouldn’t have let that blade there for no reasons, my bad.”

He nodded and looked at me seriously.

“And your back?”

“My back what?”

“Will you treat it yourself?”

“To be honest, I can’t treat it at all, the stitches reopened and got infected so I have not-scarifying black bloody bruises all the way down my spine. I can only hope that time will treat it for me.”

“Wouldn’t it be b-better if you go see a doctor?”

“No.” I cut him off. “There is no way I will go in a hospital and see a doctor. I can’t.”

He looked at me, then down, but didn’t add anything. I got up, put the alcohol back in the drawer and walk back to the room. I picked up the shirt on the floor, making sure to put back the blade in the desk before handing him the clothing.

“I hope you didn’t liked it too much cause I don’t think it will fit on you anymore.”

He raised an eyebrow and took the shirt.

“I am not that short. It will fit’tu me.”

“Not that short?!”

I walk in front of him and pulled his head toward my chest; collarbone.

“Wow.”

His face slightly turned red as he took a step back and glare at me.

“You... you are the one who’s way too tall’uh!”

I turn around and smile as I walk to the desk and lean against it.

“No, you are the one who’s just way too adorable.”

“Adorable?… I am not! You b-better not say that because of my height!”

“So, you want me to find you adorable for other reasons?”

“There’s nothing adorable about me.”

I raised my eyebrows in shock.

“Are you kidding me, I could make a list of what’s adorable about you.”

He clenched his jaw lightly as he talk.

“I am not. I am manly.”

“Who said you couldn’t be both manly and adorable.”

“I don’t want to be both.” He said looking down.

“Why?”

He didn’t answer. I signed and talk in a sweeter voice.

“Tell me, why?”

“It’s not compatible.”

“Why do you want to be so manly? Its a compliment, you’re adorable, but it doesn’t define who you are.”

He gave me a look and walk toward the door. I followed him and stop a feet away from him.

"Are you sure you’re okay? I mean with the curfew, I don’t want to get you in trouble because I wasn’t aware of it.”

“I’m fine.”

“Alright. Oh, and here.”

I said walking to my working desk before rapidly writing on a piece of paper.

“My number. If you have a hard time because of what you saw or something like that. Anything you can give me a call or text me.”

I handed him the paper and started opening the door for him.

“And just so you know, I didn’t washed the shirt. So you’ll have to ask someone to wash it for you princess…unless you want to use it to get you off with my scent at night…”

He looked shocked and take a long moment before answering:

"You are gross’u!"

I laugh. I couldn't help it. He was such a child.

"And you are definitely a virgin. You'll understand when you'll have your first real crush."

I never saw someone leave a room that fast. In the blink of an eye I was alone in my room. This kid was too pure. I smiled and close the door.

What a night.


	12. Chapter ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the murder, Shiro's trust couldn't be given to Kirill and the images of this moment hunted him. Taking his distances from the other had been considerate, however, during the day, a group of boys caught Shiro's attention and unfortunately for him, this day would turn into a nightmare.

I should’ve expected this since the very beginning of this sudden change of atmosphere. I am not surprised, only filled with a burning irritation which held my heart during the whole day of Tuesday and the beginning of Wednesday.

Monday’s night has been something quite different from all the interaction I’ve exchanged with this guy ‘till so far. Sure there were hostilities, but most was… Oddly enjoyable and quite interesting. Nor the slightest detail is lacking; I remember everything. There were images, words and actions I will not forget, but one hunted me during the whole night. A rare image. His smile. A smile that revealed something my current anger wouldn’t let myself admit. I refused. However, my mind was insisting on how charismatic this simple smile/laugh made him. My jaw would clench each time I would think of this. Still. Putting this aside and looking at the whole night itself; it went astonishingly well. He managed to captive my contemplation at his regard with his mind only.

* * *

 

When I went back to my room, my back was leaned against the door. My lips departed; by a mere sigh, I disposed my pulse to relax, willing the heat of my visage to low down. The previous situation was upon me. I couldn’t bare it. My eyes went down to my hands. A piece of paper and my pullover. My feet made their way toward my desk. Placing the piece of paper onto it, I took my phone from my pocket and stared at the number.

* * *

 

I slightly shook my head. I don’t think I would ever text him. Not after his words.

I sat myself onto my bed, on the edge. My gaze locked upon my pull as it was still in my hands. All the scenes that happened since I took this piece of clothing the first time during the night, passed through my mind. Sure the last words from the last scene got me, but… There were specific words that evoked within me a strange feeling. _‘For most people home is a place where you feel accepted and in comfort. For me home is a feeling. A strong feeling that don’t appear a lot. It comes with a person. That person. The one who make all the pain fade away. The one that even though you know your relation with that person is just wrong, god it feels right. And the scent of that person will always be in your memory. Cause it’s that scent that reminds you how it feels to be ‘home’.’_ A scent… How could a mere scent could bring somebody’s mind in peace? (By the way he spoke; he had a lover. I wonder who was that girl. It is always intriguing to know what is a person’s type.) Perhaps, I should have asked for more details, but I thought keeping it inside was more wise. I will have to find the meaning behind his words by myself. Being curious from nature, I couldn’t help to lift both of my hands in order to bring this pull closer to my visage. I inspired. _Sugary and musky._ An odor that made me momentarily close my eyelids. This smell was hard to ignore. This perfume; I loved it. There were—of course—additional smells, still, my full attention has been lent onto this one. I opened my eyes and put the piece of clothing on a low level; I could examine it fully. _’…I don’t think it will fit on you anymore…’_. I wasn’t as short as people think I was in fact, that’s what I thought once I tried it on, yet; I was floating. My head inclined inward. I didn’t like the sensation I had in my stomach.

 _“…you are adorable…“_ Those words; I disliked them. Trying to verbalize the reason is always a waste of time, for my person. I can’t find the appropriate words simply due how my mind becomes upset each time. A complexe? For some, for me it is a burden. Even if I would be able to bring myself to put ‘why I dislike that’ into words, I don’t think he would understand; my struggle.

I took off this pullover and placed it in my dresser. I sat myself at my desk, then turned on the desk lamp. From the corner of my eyes, the other being seemed to be deep in her dreams. My eyes went then on these numbers. I could tell there was an annoyed expression over my visage. I picked up my phone and added this guy in my contacts. Looking at the screen, I noticed the bandage of my hand. Idle. Silent. I placed my phone aside and ran a sole finger over my bandage. We have opposite meaning of home— I think it is the same for **_monster_** as well, because tonight I haven’t seen a monster, but a ruined self and a _beast_.

* * *

 

I did try to have an interaction on Tuesday. I really did. We had biology. Me and him were in team with Tyler. This type of work needs a conversation in order to complete the demanded work from the teacher. Kirill’s coldness attitude left within me an unpleasant sensation ‘till today; Wednesday. I am glad I didn’t have this much class in common with him. Once ignored, I automatically stopped to approach or do anything that will make me in contact with him. Unfortunately, the other was between us in that course. Him, himself didn’t seem to be bothered with such situation. Both Kirill and Tyler looked to hold something toward each other, but then; I, myself, believe also at ‘hatred at the first sight’. Perhaps is it their case. Honestly—It was the last thing I cared about.

On Wednesday, my first class is Philosophy. Albeit how tired my body could be, my mind was quite bright. I was in a good mood. I prepared myself slowly. I took my cellphone and earphones, then left my room. My steps brought me into the cafeteria. There were some students here and there. The atmosphere was calm and relax. I got myself a cup of tea. With this, my body could pass through the day. This insomnia is becoming a burden I need to get rid of. I was still wondering what I’ve seen that night was only the creation of my non-rested subconscious—or was that night a pure hallucination? Alas, this bandage on my hand is a good evidence if how real this scene was. The thought itself made me growl lightly. _I should talk about this with her._ Yûmi is the only person with whom I can talk about that. My parents would make a scene.

I sat myself at an empty table, near the windows, willing the sun to wake up me more. Comfortably installed, music on; I started to read on my device. There were twenty minutes left before the ring. I wasted those minutes into losing my mind into a new dimension. I was enjoying my time. I could tell how tranquil the surroundings were— but an intrusive object hit my head. I lifted my eyes from the screen and noticed a small piece of paper. At my great surprise, this paper was wet. Wet because of saliva. Searching the source of this; I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I couldn’t understand why. _What is the reason behind this? If I show my lack of interest, would this happen again? I wonder._ I tried to read again, but something hit me. This time, a piece of fruit. My chin raised; my eyes wandered, trying to meet another pair.

Five pairs of eyes were glued onto my person. The visual contact I held with one of them lasted way too long. A pression solaced along my shoulders. My stomach became heavy. I looked away. There’s nobody behind nor next to me. I was the one they really wanted to throw these things at. This feeling was new— I hated it. Subtly, I glanced up, I met the same pair of eyes. My throat was incredibly tight. Another piece of fruit and paper hit me. One on the forehead and the other fell onto my screen. I wiped it away with my forearm, disgusted. There were some laughs coming from their place. The need of leaving was so supreme, my body couldn’t move. Minutes have passed and the bell rang. I did in fact waited for them to leave before me, but I ended up leaving the cafeteria under a hurry. I walked down the corridors and went straight to my locker. I picked up my stuff and made my way toward my class. Indeed, their presence behind me didn’t pass unnoticed.

“This little brat walk pretty fast, do y'all think we already scared him?”

“T'ch—not surprising from someone of his kind, though.”

“Asian guys aren’t tough, haha. Their balls are small.”

“Ffff—! Shouldn’t we check this ourselves?”

 _‘Are they really referring to me?’_ I oppressed my steps and reached my class as fast as I could. I was late. Recently, I am pretty late to my classes. Some teachers were kind, but this one— not at all. I got a small lecture before having a place. My seat was in the front. Philosophy is my favourite class. I love this; yet, today, I wasn’t listening in any way. Those words from these boys, my ears were only hearing this. My mind was only filled with these remarks. _Don’t be naive, they were talking about you._ Indeed. Still, is there a reason? I did nothing bad to anyone in this school… My head inclined inward. I looked at my hands. Small. _This little brat…_ My brows furrowed. My teeth were grinding on each other. The image of his hand upon my forearm passed though my mind. His hands are great and firm and mines, incredibly poor and fragible.

My eyes went down on my body, upon the lower part of my stomach. _Small_ … My teeth bite down into my lower lip. I needed to concentrate and think of something else. But I couldn’t. I forced myself to not let my perturbation able to be seen. My stomach was twisted. And the tightness of my throat didn’t loose at all. During all the class, the teacher either didn’t or did notice— whatever, I couldn’t care less. The time passed just like the wind: quickly and quiet. There was an hesitation in the back of my head, while I stood on my feet and walked toward the door. The teacher noticed it. I was glad there were only few students left in the course to leave.

“Is there a problem, M. O'Connor?”

“No. I was justu wondering if we have something important next c-cours…”

The man sighed.

“ _Just_. Shiro. _Just_. Anyways,I can understand the recent event can affect a lot, especially as you are a new student, still— listen more in class. ” A small pause. “ We will read a book next course. Now, go to your next class. Don’t be late.”

I nodded then left the class against my will. My eyes went everywhere around me. This sensation within my stomach wouldn’t leave. This whole situation disturbed me a lot. I was holding my stuff pressed onto my bosom as I walked toward my locker with a hurried step. There was no annoying presences near nor far away. Still— this feeling was very present. So much, I was afraid? It went like this during all the morning.

After each course, they were waiting for me. Somewhere. Out of the blue, they would come and surround my personal space. They even left little messages on my locker’s door, not inside. I must say, I would’ve appreciated it if it was inside my locker simply because their nice messages provoked some laughs at my arrival followed by murmurs. Reading their thoughts either out loud or written evoked inside of me a feeling I wouldn’t get rid of it soon, it was always in the back of my mind. I know it. My shoulders were caring burdens that were way too heavy for them. My parents spoke to me about what could happen, but they never went on or pointed out a similar situation with my current one. They probably thought someone like my person could never be in such impasse. During all lunch time, I had to protect myself in a place in whom I thought would put me in peace: the library. My naivety couldn’t be this high— they were there no matter what. Just like my shadow. They followed me around and made sure I would be aware of their opinions. I remained silent. I’ve never wished for a day to end this fast.

However, I needed to pass through the last period.

I opened my locker and exchanged my stuff, then I made my way to my next course; PE. I wasn’t looking up, but down. One of my mistakes; I bumped into a person. The head raised, a visual contact has been made. I flinched, my body stepped back. I knew those eyes. My throat was incredibly dry.

“My bad, you are so short, I couldn’t even notice you were in my way, Midget.” He said.

I averted my gaze and walked away, but I’ve been stopped with a hand on my shoulder.

“—You ain’t apologizing? Weren’t your people submissive?”

My heart was ricing. Within an abrupt gesture, I freed myself. My feet brought me into the nearest man’s bathroom. I wouldn’t mind being late to my class. Not showing up was a great idea, in fact. When I went it, I automatically oppressed myself to the biggest cubicle. The door opened. I turned myself and saw six boys coming inside the piece. When I first saw them, they were five, I guess I looked way too fast. My first reflex was to close the cubicle’s door behind me, sadly, I’ve been stopped. With this strong hand around my forearm, I’ve been pulled. I did try to resist— my body was weak. I blamed my lack of sleep.

“With this body do you think you can fight? Man, you’re weak.”

Another one spoke.

“Why were you running away, Midget? You didn’t like our cute little messages?”

A laugh resonated within the air. I took a step back.

“Did the cat you ate at lunch bite your tongue?”

I looked at them. They were being ridiculous. Albeit how much my tongue was burning under the countless things I wanted to spit at their face, I couldn’t. Something wouldn’t let me do that. The only thing that could escape my mouth was this;

“Leave me alone—”

“Or what, _ChingChong_? Did you ever look at yourself? Man— you ain’t scary at all.” Said one.

“You’re a little puppy.”

The one that seemed to be the leader was only staring at me. I met his eyes. I couldn’t handle this visual contact. He noticed it. I didn’t need to look up. There was a smile on his face that didn’t give me a good impression. I took another step back, as I did they took a step forward.

“You are so little like a brat. There’s surely something else that’s short too.

The others around me had little grins on their face. Under this free remark I couldn’t keep my tongue in my mouth any longer.

“That is~u not— !” I started.

He laughed. I frowned. Who they think they are? What are they winning doing this to me? My teeth were grinding on each other so hard, my jaw was being a pain. My pulse, I was hearing it within my own eardrums.

“Your dick must be so short— You ain’t gonna get yo’ self a girl.”

The one at my left couldn’t help to let out a trail of laughs that did really irritated me even more.

“He’s surely some fag. No— he **is**.”

“He looks like a chick himself after all. Haha.”

“Yeah- but he looks like some five years old too.”

“S-Shut it up already!” I said.

The air around my was suffocating. My breathe, I could tell is was getting heavier and heavier. My pulse was growing within its beating. I was tense and became even more tense when I’ve been pushed inside the cubicle without the mere care. One of them grabbed me by my tie and pulled on it. The space was pretty large, all of them could come inside, but one of them was overseeing the surroundings.

“The fuck you think you’re talkin’ to? Huh?”

“Don’t think that just because of the fact that you are of our ages and you are in a higher grade make you any more better than us.”

“This kid seriously think he has the guts to talk to us like this? How funny—”

“ _Does_ he even have some?”

The guy in front of me looked at me and his smile went larger.

“ **Let’s check that ourselves.** ”

 _“Why do you want to be so manly? […]”_. If I were, I wouldn’t be in that situation because people would fear the person I am. I could bring myself to defend my person without flinching from a mere inch. I won’t be the first person people like those guys would look forward to annoy and play around with; due the impression I would give at the first sight— not weakness but dominance. I wouldn’t be weak at all. I wouldn’t let these guys touching me where no one ever did before. That’s why. But, someone with a physic like _his_ couldn’t understand.

My tie was the main part that helped them to manipulate me as they please. One of them took from my hands my bag and started to put his dirty little hands inside it. I sure did protest verbally, but their answers were laughs. While this guys was doing this, another one sneaked behind me and snaked his arms under my arms, brought it up into a key position— I couldn’t move this part of my body. But, the lower part, I didn’t bother in any way. My legs were already mastered. There were six. Five against me and the other watching out. Five against one. I was almost exhausted just from trying to free myself from one guy’s hold. This thought itself tensed my throat. I knew this. I knew what this reaction means— the way my throat was tensing, tears would come in my eyes.

There were hands wandering along my sides before going down at the aim of my shirt and unbuttoned i My non-existent muscles have been pointed out. A trail of laugh followed. A hand placed itself atop my head, before grabbing my hair from its root. One of them brought my face and his close to each other. It was so sudden, I instinctively smacked his head with mine. Once it did, I fell onto the floor. I tried to stand onto my feet— I’ve been pushed. A sob escaped me.

“Stay there, fag’.”

“---Bros, look what he has in this bag. This brat is a rich.”

“Take this phone.”

“Don’t—!”

“Why? You wanna call your boyfriend to come and save you?”

“St—”

I couldn’t finish my sentence as my tie has been pulled with such force, I lost my breathe. Being pulled, my body had been pressed against the wall without care. I couldn’t suppress my emotions anymore. I cried my eyes out. They seemed quite satisfied. They even tell the other one to come and join them to see me being helpless. Two of them lowered their stature at my level and started to wander their hands on my body. My vision was blurred. My arms were up, in order to protect what I could.

I wasn’t feeling well. The oxygen seemed to start being more and more impossible to get. This cubicle looked like it went smaller. My whole being was shaking. Their laughs were becoming louder in my head. Regardless of all of this, I didn’t beg. I ordered. I ordered them to stop and it was all a waste of time. Instead of trying to calm myself who was near a panic attack, I was pathetically ordering these boys to let me go, to stop touching me. All I earned was; compliments. How the way I was shedding tears was making me even more childish and feminine.

It was endless— once this thought reached my mind, one of them cursed at a new arrival. There was someone else in this bathroom. I opened my eyes as they stopped their current actions to turn themselves toward the other—one of them was still holding my tie within his hand—When I looked carefully, this face was quite familiar. Kirill. One of the guys, the leader, spoke with an amused voice.

“So there is your boyfriend? He doesn’t look like a fag, I admit.”

There was a sudden change in the atmosphere. Seeing him was a relief, oddly. But for the others, it was far from being a relief. The air itself was incredibly dense. Something was cold. Really cold. My eyes went on his.

They were exactly as this night.

One of the guys that was kneeled stood up. The other remained in front of me and violated even more my non-existent personal space. What this guy did, left me breathless. The instant he did it, he has been the first one to taste how it feels like to be smashed against a strong surface. Once happened, the others protested automatically.

“The fuck, man!”

The scene before me froze my blood. The threatening behavior and actions from him was shocking. How he was begin offensive left in my mind the small fear of a repetitive _scene_. Kirill was violent. Incredibly violent. I couldn’t help myself to curl up and place a huge distance between me and them. I closed my eyes.

Seconds— A sole minute passed. Then silence. They left the bathroom, Him and I were alone.

The separation between us, I was glad it was there. I couldn’t look up, my head was inclined inward. The vibe around his person; my current panic couldn’t let me handle it that much. This hostility, I didn’t need it at all. I guess he noticed it— there was a beginning of change in the ambience. Still. With the previous event, my body was still very tense and was still under that fearful state. Its reaction was to curl up, trying to hide what was exposed and protect any sudden movement. My breathe was heavy and my vision blurry. Due my sobs, I was now sniffling a lot— Despite this, I tried to have a normal breathing. To cold down the air around me, was asking a strong emotional force. No matter how evident it was, I didn’t want to accept it. I didn’t want to believe what happened was the reality. This thought didn’t help to calm my breathing but increase it. I needed to concentrate on my breath in order to not let any kind of agitation get me.

After a certain amount of minutes, my pulse was back to its respective rate. My cheeks were still wet and my muscles relaxed a little. I didn’t moved from an inch, though. My eyes went onto the floor and stopped at a pair of feet. I looked up slowly and saw Kirill. My eyes went down quickly. I had the instant to forget about his presence when I was focusing on my breathe— he has seen me in such a pitiful state. I was way too exausted to even be bothered by this.

Hesitant to do do so, I lifted my gaze and our eyes locked together. This visual contact lasted for a long second. Then I broke it when a small mouvement from his lips has been made. A small smile, almost shy. This smile was lacing reassurance. I looked away. His body shifted, then he walked away. Leaving the bathroom, letting me behind. I looked at him silently and brought my eyes down. Staying here bothered me. I hated this place. I needed to leave it. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

At some point, I’ve heard the door opening and someone coming inside. I instinctively flinched. Kirill left. Perhaps they took this for granted to come back and finish what they couldn’t end while he was there. My heart twitched under the thought and my throat went dry. I closed my eyes and hided my face in my arms. When I sensed someone picking up something onto the floor close to me, I opened one eye and looked over my forearms— it was him again. Kirill was picking up my phone and other stuff the other guys threw away, and placed them all into my bag. I was following his very actions until he was standing in front of me. He reached out his hand once. I flinched. He did twice. I couldn’t help but to flinch and try to hide myself, even if I knew nothing could be seen.

“D-Don’t loo~ku…”

I buttoned my shirt and replaced my lower piece of clothing while his gaze wasn’t on me. After doing such, I found it arduous to stand up, albeit he reached his hand out, I didn’t take it. I couldn’t deal with the idea of being touched.

With shaking hands, I slowly took my bag in his hands and made my way toward the door and left this horrible place behind. I was walking toward my class, I could’ve just go to my room, but I rather went there. If I miss this class, people would ask questions I wouldn’t want to answer. While I was walking, he was still there with me. He was by my sides; yet, slightly behind. His presence was reflecting a sensation of security. However— This worry in the back of my head was wholly present. My steps were hesitant, I could tell. I was looking down. Time to time, I would look at my sides just to see if he was still there. I couldn’t understand why he **was** there. Why would he even bother? How he found me there in the first place? Wasn’t PE course in the total opposite way of this men’s bathroom? Albeit how much questions I had in my head, I didn’t ask any of them. We both remained silent until I reached my class.

Before going into the changing room, I glanced to my right and looked at him. I went in without saying a single syllable.

* * *

 

Going to my room was in fact a great idea. I had no energy after my course. I should’ve chosen the yoga instead of basketball, but this sport seemed interesting. I was blind. Having an advantageous height help a lot in this sport— something I haven’t. I did expect some remarks at me regards, but a girl and her friends were there and cheered me up. They noticed my current mood. They didn’t ask any questions. These girls, I’ve seen one of them once. Her name, Alex. She is the lover of Tyler. A pretty and hilarious girl. She is quite extrovert. She is the total opposite of me. During the course she tried to earn smiles from me, but she didn’t manage. I felt bad for this. I enjoyed hearing her talk about everything and anything, but the bell rang. When it did— my stomach was aching. My heat dropped. I had some shivers just thinking about going into that changing room.

All the boys in my class and from the yoga’s one will be there. This thought almost created inside of me a light panic. Yet, I still went inside against my will.

There were small benches in the piece, I automatically sat myself on the one that was in the back. This changing room was way too full for my liking. I made myself small and remained silent. I didn’t look around me, I was looking at my hands and playing with my fingers. I was waiting for the room to be empty so I could take a shower and change my clothes. While I was waiting, I was glad to notice that no one actually paid the slightest attention to me. I was like a ghost. I was feeling a little more secure with my surroundings. There was less burden upon me.

Once I was alone, I walked toward the locker I used and picked up some of my stuff and walked toward the shower. I couldn’t help to look arround to see if there were any eyes on me, but there was none. I turned off the water, dried myself and put on my uniform. When I walked back to my locker, I noticed another presence; his. My heart skipped a beat under the realization. I looked away and took all my stuff. My feet brought me toward the door— Closed. I tried to open it with the mere force left I had. Nothing. The teacher really thought everyone left. I knocked on the door trying to catch the attention on whomever passed before. Nothing. Me and the other were locked in. This didn’t please me. Surely not after what happen some minutes ago. I let my bag fell onto the floor and sat myself onto the floor, my back pressed against the door. I brought my legs close and laid my head onto my knees.

There was a thin silence in the air. At my great surprise he broke it.

“..Why aren’t you leaving?”

I didn’t move my head to look at him. My gaze was lost on the floor.

“… The door… is locked.” I said.

From where I was, I could hear him sigh and whispers a small: _great_.

I couldn’t hold this back. I let it out without even thinking.

“Why ignoring me … af-after to come out of the blue… to give me …help?”

“Would you have preferred that I don’t show up and let them do whatever they were doing?”

Upon hearing this, my throat tensed. My jaw clenched. My teeth were grinding on each other; trying to suppress inside any sound. Something within me was heavy. I couldn’t bare it. I had no command over it. Not the mere control. _‘No, I wouldn’t have preferred this. I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t.. Why do you even ask—!’_ My body was shaking. I burry my face in my arms. My breathe wasn’t regular. I had to take deep breath to relax myself, but his words were echoing inside my head. I didn’t even bother to reply to his question, because I know that if I were about to speak— everything would come out. His words were so loud in my mind. They were pushing my button. So hard. With such force, it broke. A muffled sob escaped me. Then another one. And another. Another… I was crying the salt of my body. I pressed my whole visage even more against my arms in order to muffle these sobs. Albeit my visage was already wet because of my tears, I was still trying to hold everything back in.

There were movements on my right. Then, an arm snaked behind my back, solacing around my waist; I cowered under the touch. Still, I’ve been gently pulled into a hold. Kirill was holding me tightly. He placed his head a top of mine and pulled me even more. I snuggled in. One of his hand ran through my hair and started to caress them. Within all these agitation in my mind; something was slowly growing. Who knows what was that thing but, the way these fingers were playing around with my locks with such care, my racing heart relaxed, but the heat in my body was still pretty high. Those sobs were still there due the pain. This pain— I wanted it to go away. It needed to leave. Just thinking of it was making me shed even more tears. The need of changing my current state was so high, I leant in his caresses.

The tiredness of my body stopped my sobs. I could tell my eyes were puffy. I was sniffling loudly— he was still holding me. I am pretty sure it lasted for a long ten minutes or such. I don’t know. The material underneath me was wet. My tears wetted his clothes- only the upper part. Another sob escaped me. I spoke within a breathy voice;

“… S-sorry..”

Hid hand wandered along my back furnishing tender caresses, while the other was doing the same but with one of my arms. His touch were as delicate as his voice.

“Don’t apology, it will dry.”

I was barely gasping for air. I brought one of my hand upon my mouth. I tried to breathe through my nose. Kirill became even more caring. With his actions, I was more composed. Composed enough to break this physical contact. I slowly took myself off his fold and placed myself aside.

The instant I stopped moving, he spoke.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

From the corner of my eyes, I looked at him. As he was already looking at me, we had a visual contact. Before talking, I was staring, probably for too long, but I opened my mouth at the end while looking away. My voice was small.

“… Do you ho~nety care?”

I was already ready for being ignored tomorrow morning. I already was.

I felt his hand being close to my head, then he tugged on my hair within a gentle mannerー

“Do you really think I would be sitting on the floor with you if I didn’t?

My head slightly raised and turned toward him, I looked at him.

“You will ignare me tomorrow morning~u.”

His silent didn’t surprise me. I’ve expected it, I must point out. If what happened earlier didn’t happen, during the whole week or even more, we wouldn’t have exchanged the slightest word between each other— I could tell.

I brought my gaze onto the floor.

“Why igno’ing me?”

“I’m trying to keep you as far from me as I can. It’s better for the both of us.” He said.

It was my turn to stay quiet.

In a way; I felt like it was more better for him than for the both of us. He ignores my person since the very beginning. Since we have met, he was keeping his distance. Was there a specific reason for this? I did nothing wrong. Nothing wrong to deserve being ignore and… abused.

I inclined my head downward. I brought my hands to my face. There were so many things that were going inside my mind, I was having a headache from it all. All I wanted was to leave this place and go to my room, but it was impossible. When it came for the other, his hand—his fingers were still running along my back. I looked once again at him from the corner of my eyes. If he wants to keep his distance could be possibly because of how violent he can be. But, this bandage I had and his manners to comfort me…

Thinking of this reminded me of something.

“Did …it appear again?”

“Yes. Actually, it guided me to the bathroom where you were.”

It did? What was this wolf? How did I to even see it? Why would it does this, exactly? It brought its master there in order to… give me help? All of this itself couldn’t make any sense. But trying to understand was pointless. Why am I even thinking about this, shouldn’t I be grateful? Still, I couldn’t help it. I tried to control my disturbed mind and choose the right words to talk.

“What is t-this… _w-wol_ f? Does it even have a nam~mu…?”

When I looked at him once more, his face reflected a small grimace with a small smile.

“Would it sound weird if I said that the cat-girl in my head told me its name was Mal?”

I looked at him silently for some seconds before speaking again.

“This cat-girl… is a voice in your head?”

He nodded.

“How… many v-voices do you hear?”

“Hum…with the wolf, it’s four…” He said.

Four…? I looked at the floor.

“What are they sa’ing right now? Are they… mean?”

His eyes wandering everywhere, slowly.

“Only one of them. He is telling me to hurt myself… the other one is just saying random things about where we are right now, like the heights of the walls and things like that. The cat-girl is telling me to not let you touch me, to move away as fast as I can.”

For a reason I didn’t know, his last words annoyed me. Barely. Was there something about me touching him? My intentions aren’t bad. They were never bad.

“Why…?”

“I guess she is just trying to protect me. You look a lot like someone I used to know..but that person…wasn’t as good for me as I thought…”

There was a small smile at the corner of my lips. So, this person was a guy.

I looked up at him.

“How is he?”

His lips departed; a small laugh void of emotion resonated into the air.

“He was… both the greatest thing and the most horrible thing that happened to me.”

His eyes went onto the floor. Kirill was lost in his thoughts I could tell by his used words.

“I was too blind to see he was using me. Playing with me…”

My eyes traveled along his face before focusing on his lips. A smile lacking of emotion. A smile like this has been cause by a… Heartache? The way Kirill was speaking, this guy broke his heart or played with it— surely both? That’s why… He ignores me. I remind him of the one he still loves. I didn’t know how to feel after realizing this. But, I knew that seeing him like this wasn’t pleasant. It soften my heart. I lifted one of my hand and placed my palm under his jaw. His eyes went automatically onto me. I offered him a small smile.

“Don’t feel too bad for this. I’ve read s-somewhere that; when in love, one’s brain veil the flaws of another— making them appear perfec~tuh in their eyes.”

I took off my hand from his jaw and looked in front of me.

“I … think him and I are different people. I am sure you can tell. Tell this cat-girl to not worry. I’m not strong e~ough to do things like… he did to you to anyone.”

“I really hope what you say is true and that you won’t ever play with someone like that. In my case I learned that someone like me shouldn’t fall in love. ‘Cause it will never work out.” He said.

“Was this guy your third— fourth lover?…”

“My…? No, my first and only love.”

They weren’t dating?… I am not good with this kind of conversation.

“Why do you think it will ne~var work out then? It could work~u next time.” I said.

“There won’t be a next time. I won’t let that happen.”

“At least, will you let somebody befriend you?”

“You think I don’t have friends?”

I couldn’t help to look at him a little surprised.

“I don’t. What I am trying to say is that, after what happened with this first love of yours, will you let somebody befriend you? …”

I looked away.

“Why would someone try to befriend me? It would be stupid from them..”

I gave him a small nudge on his arm with my right elbow.

“Kilitsu— Stop being pessimistic~u.”

He laughed and looked away. I couldn’t hide this smile on my face.

After a moment, slowly, my head found rest upon his left shoulder. He didn’t move.

“I’m glad these guys haven’t traumatized you enough that you don’t trust people touching you anymore.”

I hated the sensation I had in my stomach once he brought this up. I couldn’t help to keep my distance. I hated how I was feeling. I wasn’t feeling right. My skin— I brought both my hands to my face. I’ve never felt this much ashamed— this much uncomfortable with my own skin.

“Please… Don’t make me feel more ashamed… Please…”

I felt his left arm wrapping my shoulders as his free hand was gently taking off my hands from my visage.

“Ashamed? Ashamed of what? You did nothing…”

_‘nothing…’_

“I did not’ing… I was helpless…”

My voice was barely shaking. My throat was tense.

“You shouldn’t feel ashamed because of these jerks. They don’t deserve to have you feel like that.”

My vision was slowly getting blurry. My throat was really tensed. I closed my eyes and tried to hide my face against my shoulder. He should not see me cry— I should just not let myself cry again. I was holding my tears back in.

These guys… they almost seen things I wasn’t confident about. They touched parts of me, I wasn’t confident about.

The more I was thinking of this, the more I was clenching my jaw. The more it wad making me sick. I was sicken to my stomach. I had to stand up, my back facing him. My hands were already on my face. I didn’t want Kirill to see me in such way. It was a shame. Showing my weakness like this. What a shame…

I took a deep breath, because I knew at any given moment I would break in tears again. I needed to change my mind. To take off these thoughts in my brain. This sensation under my skin needed to be go. And for this, I needed space. He understood and let me be.

* * *

 

Hours passed, we were still locked in that changing room. We haven’t interacted with each other since I took my distance.

But at the moment, I was uncomfortably laid onto the floor, my head on my bag and him, he was still sitting next to me. It was around midnight. Sure, my body was exhausted due what I’ve been through during all the day— but my eyelids, them, they were far from heavy. 

While I was thinking, something touched my curiosity.

“Kilitsu…?”

“Yeah?”

I turned myself toward him, but remained laid. I looked up at him. Our eyes were lock together.

“If Mal is a voice in your head, how can I see it?”

Five seconds— One minute. Silence. He took a moment to think before answering me.

“I would like to answer, but the thing is that I’m asking myself the same question…”

For support, I used my forearm in order to lift the upper part of my body. I kept looking at him.

“… Ask it? It can spee~ku… Doesn’t it?”

“Yes and no…it acts more like an actual wolf, it doesn’t talk really often. I have to guess what it wants..”

“Could you make it… appear?”

The instant I finished my sentence, he got up.

“I’m not a magicien! I don’t _‘make it appear’_ — I didn’t choose to have it in my head. There’s no way I can decide if I see them or not! It’s not a game! It’s my mental state..”

“…You don’t take medicine, do you?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“All those medicine don’t really do anything good. Yes, while you take them the voices aren’t strong but if you stop taking them it will become worse. Medicine for schizophrenic are just an excuse to make the abnormal enter in the mold of the _‘normal’_ society.”

I placed myself into a sitting position and kept my eyes on him. I didn’t realize I was actually staring silently before he spoke.

“What?”

I instinctively averted my gaze somewhere else.

“… Not’ing.”

After what I said, our interaction stopped there. We stayed each other in our side without really looking out for the both us. We were keeping our distance. There was a silence that lasted during all the night. So much, Kirill fall asleep letting me having the sensation of being alone in this room. Even if I wanted to or could to , I wouldn’t let myself fall asleep. There were images I didn’t need to see anymore.

It was so late that even the lights were turned off. I couldn’t see much through this darkness so I used my phone in order to have some lights. My device was almost lack of charge, I scratched the idea of playing a game or read I book. I let out a sigh then closed my eyes. If I couldn’t sleep, I could always rest my eyes. The instant I did, their was a pressure against my right leg. I slowly opened my eyes and the sight before me made my cowered in surprise.

This beast. It was there. Sitting in front of me, idle. The fact of being able to see it was still a shock but being in its presence for the second time wasn’t as uncomfortable as it was the very first time. I had for reflex to call Kirill, but I didn’t do it. I rather let him sleep and take this moment with wolf.

It was looking at me with such a soft look, I couldn’t help to give a small smile on my face. I reached my hand out and it leaned toward it then, sniffed my hand before licking it. I ran my hand up and patted its head. It went even more close to me. I cupped its face with both of my hands. My eyes were lost in its. Eyes that were exactly like his.

“Mal, is it?”

Its tail was moving in a playful manner.

“It’s a little… unusual for me… I’ve never did that before…” I let out an uncomfortable laugh. “I thank you for helping me earlier…”

I brought my face close to its face and placed a kiss upon its head. While I did this, its scent didn’t pass unnoticed. I’ve smelled this smell before. _Sugary and Musky_ with additional smells. I brought my head far from its and looked at Mal with my eyebrows slightly raised up. Was this possible…?

“You… even have his smell…”

Its paws went up and rested on my forearms. The beast snuggled and nuzzled its snout against one of my cheeks. Its whiskers gave me some shivers as I was quite ticklish. I placed some distance between me and Mal. I wanted to have a small conversation with it. As odd as it could sound.

“Say Mal, … how and why can I see… you?”

Silence. It only placed its paw on my right thigh and stared at me.

“Why not… te’ing me?”

Its head shifted to the side then, Mal took some steps back. It made some steps forward a direction then stopped and looked at me. I was confused. Was it trying to tell me something?

_“I have to guess what it wants..”_

I stood up on my feet. I almost lost some balance. Mal automatically went back to me.

“I’m OK… Just sitting this long wasn’t a good idea.”

It turned around and walked. I followed it in the room. I didn’t took off my eyes on it. All of this was so… Unreal. If I can see this beast, it’s because… I was also…? Maybe. It could be that. I shook my head and concentrated myself on the current even.

Mal suddenly stopped to walk. I stopped also. I looked at it intrigued before seeing what was before us. Kirill. He was sitting on the floor, the back against a locker and he wasn’t okay.

The beast stood at his left and looked at him before looking at me. I brought myself closer and kneeled next to him; at his right. Looking at him carefully, his face had a grimace. His breath was heavy, but not that much. His skin was humide due how sweaty he was. Some laments were escaping from him time to time.

“悪夢...” I whispered.  
 _Nightmare..._

The beast made a small whine.

“They are ow~ful, I know…”

They are. They always have been. I would never wish anyone to their dream to only be filled with nightmares. They take all the energy of someone both physically and mentally. It feels like you are more exhausted in the morning when you had nightmares during the night before. It feels like you just haven’t slept at all. I hate when this happens.

I lifted one of my hands and placed it on his head, before stroking his hair. My hand went down to his left cheek. Then, I was slowly holding his jaw. This touch wasn’t enough. His body hasn’t relaxed not even a little. Kirill kept whining and verbalize words I couldn’t really understand. He wasn’t doing fine. And I could’t accept that. I wrapped gently but carefully my arms around his figure. One around his waist and the other around his neck. I slowly pulled him into a warm-hearted embrace. I was moving with the must care I could. I didn’t want him to wake up, but to relax himself and have a good dream. I placed my chin on his shoulder and started to ran my hand along his back.

“I am here for you…” I hushed.

I froze when I felt two arms wrapping me and him gripping himself onto my figure. His told was firm and tight. He even snuggled in. I could tell he was awake by how Mal was looking at me.

After a small second, the hand that was on his back went straight to his head and starting to ran itself through his hair within a tender manner. Let him the time to relax and feel at ease.

After a moment, I took off my head from his shoulder and declined my head enough to have a great sight of his face. He was more tense than before. His eyes were shifty. Kirill refused to look at me in the eyes— to look at me in general. I lifted my eyes for a second and look at his sides. The wolf was gone. I brought my eyes on him once again. He seemed quite uncomfortable.

Was he ashamed?… I couldn’t tell him to not feel this way. I was feeling that way before.

My hand on his head slowly went to his chin. I was patting it, I wanted him to look at me. He did look at me, but it lasted for some seconds. I pulled him even more into my arms. I then placed my head on his shoulder again. I didn’t mind how long it would take, I will hug him until he doesn’t feel this way anymore. But it seems like this idea wasn’t a great one. His body was incredibly tense. He seemed to be trying to maintain his composure. I guess I was way too much into his personal space. He needed to be in his space. I pulled back, placing a separation between our bodies.

Even if our bodies weren’t in contact anymore, he was still not looking at me. Albeit I wasn’t trying to have a visual contact with him— it didn’t work. I couldn’t understand why. But then, I remembered what he has said earlier. I looked a lot like his first love. A first love that played with his heart. Just by my presence I was… Hurting him? This thought; I felt like my heart was falling down. I stood up and took a step back. My presence wasn’t making him feel any better.

“Sorry…”

“Stop saying you are sorry. There’s no reason for it and you’re not really sorry anyways.”

l looked down. In fact, I  _was_ sorry, but I thought it was more wise to add nothing else and give him some distance. So, I did. I took another step back and sat myself not too far from him. I was close, but not too much I guess. From where I was sitting, we could perfectly see each other. I was in his point of view and he was in mine.

My brain was active. But …My shoulders— my whole body was heavy. My body was incredibly void of energy, my every gesture was slow. My eyelids were heavy and yet, I couldn’t close them for so long to let my body rest. I brought my hands to my face and rubbed my eyes gently. I leaned my hand against the locker behind me. My eyes were lost onto the ground.

“Insomnia?”

I brought my gaze to where the voice came from. I met his eyes. He was looking at me. I looked at him for the last five seconds before averting my eyes onto the floor.

As an answer I simply nodded.

“Since when?” He asked.

My reply was slow and low.

“Since… I was… four years old.”

“Do you know…why?”

If I know? Unfortunately I did. I did very well. Thinking of this, there were some images that evidenced themselves within my mind. I was only seeing these images. Images that made me had a small absence of few seconds before I could even realize it.

I closed my eyes then opened them. I still wasn’t looking at him.

I nodded again.

He haven’t added anything since then and stopped looking at me. We haven’t interacted with each other since them. No word has been exchanged between us until the morning was upon us.


	13. Chapter eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Week and days passed after the impasse in which Shiro fell, but Kirill saved him. However, it looks like it didn't stop there. During a night, where sleep was far, Kirill decided to distract himself, yet the one following him did not please him...

It’s been a little more than a week since the locker room accident. I hadn’t talk to Shiro since then. I couldn’t.

We were now Friday and I decided to skip class to meet my best friend. He was out of the hospital since a couple of days. As me, he was also a schizophrenic, the difference was that his type of schizophrenia makes him think he is an angel, right hand of God.

We made plans to meet in front of a tattoo shop. Since my back was healed, I wanted to covered the scars, and a tattoo was the best option. This shop wasn’t new to me. After I got out of the hospital the last time I went directly to get pierced. My way of showing to my uncle my rebellious manners ; plus smoking. He didn’t liked. I was happy.

I already had five piercings: my stretchs, two helix piercings on my right ear and my tongue, who was the first one I got. So today, a tattoo would make a change. It would be my first real tattoo if we don’t count the generous gift my uncle gave me by burning that goddamn wolf on my groin.

As I walked down the street I couldn’t help but smile. A tall dark guy with long black dreads. I couldn’t miss him. All dress in white as usual. He has his back turned on me so I took the opportunity to hug him from behind.

* * *

 

“I missed you so much.”

“You don’t like your school.”

“You know me so well.”

He turned around and look at me attentively. He was born half blind. His right eye was a bluish white, standing out a lot from his other eye, dark brown.

His parents were really religious. The fact that his eye was white and that he was hearing the voice of ‘God’ made his parent treat him as he was himself a saint. No need to say his parents didn’t like me at all. For them I was the devil in flesh and bones. For my best friend too. But he like to say that me being his 'nemesis’ made our relation even more special.

“Why did you wanted us to meet there? You want another piercing?”

“A tattoo.”

“Is it another delinquent stage or it really have a meaning? ‘Cause I saw the picture you sent me of the wolfie, you know where.”

I rolled my eyes.

“It has a meaning. I want to get a dead tree on my back that will start at the back of my neck and go all the way down on my spine. A tree but that will kind of look like veins. I want it black cause I am the tree and this represent the darkness in my 'veins’.”

“After all those year kill you still manage to surprise me.”

I missed that nickname. I smiled as we got into the shop.

* * *

 

“A tattoo that big in one session? Thats at least 6 hours straight. For your first tattoo? Are you sure you can manage to tolerate the pain, cause the body dont reject endorphine after 4 hours..”

“Bring it on. I’ve been through worse.”

“Alright. My colleague will tattoo your friend at the same time, you okay with it?”

“You’re getting a tattoo?” I said turning to my friend sitting in the same 'cowboy style’ position than me on my right.

“Same as yours. But white.”

I smiled.

“I love you so much.”

* * *

 

Six hours later we were out of the shop. My tolerance to pain was higher than my best friend’s so the last two hours had been tough on him. Yet, he did manage to get through it with encouraging words from the artist and me holding his hand. He did curse at me and hate on me on the ending but the final product was amazing. I was glad.

“After the three first hours I doubt on if it was really a good idea finally but at the end kill, you really had a great idea and I’m glad I could do that with you. I missed you a lot when I was at the hospital.”

“Same, Gene.”

His name is Longineu so Gene is shorter.

“What are we gonna do now?”

“Well lets go eat something then I have to go back to the dorms to take a shower and change. I’m working tonight.”

“Do you still do the job you told me about?”

“Yes.”

“Oh… is it ...fine?”

“Yeah. The boss is really sweet and the rest of the staff too. I really get along with the bartender.”

“Great. So it’s your first night?”

“Yeah, last time I was just there to watch and learn. It was fucking amazing.”

“Language.”

“Sorry.”

He rolled his eyes as we start walking to a small coffee shop

“Do you still live with your parents?”

“Yeah. But it’s going pretty bad. My parents are fighting even more than before.”

“They were already fighting a lot as much as I remember.”

He nodded.

“I couldn’t stand it anymore. So, I ended up at the hospital. I could hear 'him’ more than normally. And I was seeing angels.”

“I hallucinated Yüki again.”

“When was the last time?”

“Two week I think… its starting to mess with me a lot... he wants me to kill myself. Again.”

“Did you try?”

“Yes.”

He nodded again.

“Do you see him alive or…?”

“Dead. Always. Or he kill himself. Again and again.”

“Do you still dream about it?”

“It hasn’t happened for a while. Same for the hallucinations… it all came back when I met…”

Could it be possible? That he was bringing all those memories with him? As if it was him all over again, but without any memories of what happened. Just to haunt me. To hurt me. He was born to destroy me.

Light always win over darkness.

“…met who?”

“My demons.”

He didn’t add anything and we stayed quiet until we were out of the shop with coffees and sandwiches. I was too lost in my thoughts to talk anyway. All was making sense now. I had to cut that relation before it become poison. If it wasn’t already too late. It was poison even before it started. As a nightmare nothing good can come from it. Only memories. I would like to forget them as this ghost seemed to have. But we cant forget memories that come with feelings. Not that strong. Not that painful. I had lost enough, havent I? _'Monsters deserve to die. Its the only thing they deserve. Pain. Nothing else.’_

I was alive as long as it hurts.

I turned to my best friend. He was looking at me with worried eyes.

“What..?”

“I think I never saw pain as pure as how I see it in your eyes right now."

"Proof you weren’t there when I got out of the hospital after what happened to Yüki."

"Don't be like that..."

"You're not helping."

"Okay... lets go back to your dorm. I want to see your room."

"I haven’t decorated."

"I’m not surprise, if you would take care or your environment the same way you take care of your hair and style, maybe you wouldn’t be so down. I swear, I really have to do everything in this relationship."

I laughed and rolled my eyes.

"Does that mean I will have you decorating my room?"

"Exactly. You need light in your life. Everything is so dark around you, even your soul is dark now."

"It’s not new."

"Pessimist."

"Realist."

"Kill, if I wasn’t a pure angel I would probably hit you."

I wrapped my arm around his shoulders as we walk. He was only slightly smaller than me, which was pretty rare. We walked in silence, not because we had nothing to say, just because we didn’t always ned to talk to enjoy each others company and even sometimes silence talked more than words. We got in the dorms and got directly to my room. I had to change and get ready and I wasn’t even sure what the hell I was suppose to wear for that kind of job. Lony sat on my bed looking around as I walked directly to the bathroom. A shower was just more than appropriate. My thoughts were going in every direction. _‘Should I tell my friend about 'him'?’_ , I thought. I got in the shower and as I was washing my hair, I heard the door open then close. Silence. I thought he knew something was up with me, but he wasn’t asking. He waited ‘till I would talk. He knew I would.

"There is a guy..."

"His name?"

I took a small pause. Just saying his name was making me sick, uneasy.

"...Shiro."

"Why am I not surprised he's asian."

"Is there a problem with the fact that I'm into asian boys?"

"No I just thought with what happen to the last one you would fear them more."

"It’s the case. But this one is just always there, wherever I go."

"And it’s a bad thing?"

"Absolutely. He's distracting me. I would like him to just hate me like the other students."

"I don’t think all the other students hate you."

"Whatever."

The conversation ended there. He got back to my room and I finished my shower then got out wearing my job's outfit. A ripped on the knees black skinny jeans and a leather strap forming a 'X' on my chest and back, connect over my shoulders and hips. I combed my hair it's usual messy and put some eyeshadow and eyeliner, all in black. Leather boots with a small heel and my nails painted, I was ready. I walked back to my room and as I walked in I got an odd look from my best friend.

"Kill, you look like a hooker."

"I'm a stripper. It’s not that far."

He shook his head and unwrapped his sandwich.

"Eat then we'll go."

"Hum, you are not going to watch me work."

"No. Its a sin only to think about going in that kind of place. I will walk you there, then I'll go home."

"Okay. Perfect. The only thing that could be worse than this job is if someone of this school see me do this job."

"I guess."

I sat beside him and started to eat. We talked for a while, then, I had to go.

First night of work.

* * *

 

At the end of the night, I was back in the dorm, completely awake. My first day of work had been tough. A guy had try to put his hands on me and I had react by throwing his drink at him. It has make the bartender laugh. We talked al ot. Her name was Pheonix, she was a drag queen and she was gorgeous. She also had a lot of guts. I like it.

Laying on my bed, looking at the ceiling, I decided to get out of my room and go to the music room. I walked out, closing the door behind me. The hallways were dark and silent. Three in the morning, the small amount of student still in the dorms for the week-end were asleep. I made my way to the music room easily. My sight was even better in the dark now. I opened the door and walk to the big piano in the corner. Its been a while since I played, last time was in the hospital, the therapist found that its music was calming me a lot so they let me play all day if I wanted, in the community room. I sat on the small bench and let my hands move by themselves on the instrument, letting the notes invade my thoughts, my mind. The best form of silence was the one filled by the melancholic melody of a sad song. No lyrics, no contradiction. Just pure truth.

I was relaxed, at ease, as I played through the song. I closed my eyes as it end, letting myself be guide at the beginning of an other song, darker. Heavier. A classic. Requiem for a dream by mozart. Even if the original was beautiful only the piano can make it simple and profound.

Mid-song I decided to turn myself slightly on the side to be more confortable, but I could see a form behind me. I kept playing to not make the intruder know I had see him. I moved my legs slightly to be able to get up fast without hitting the bench. I was ready. I would make the person tripped and maintain them on the floor. I took a deep breath and attacked. Making them trip I held their hands over their head with one hand and hold their neck with the other. I looked down to end-up facing...him?

 _'Shiro'_.

I kept my hands as they were. Outcome of scaring the shit out of me. His turn now.

"What the fuck are you doing!? You really want me to kill you!? Didn't you got your lesson from the last time you decided to spy on me!? God...you fucking scared me."

"I apo’ogize... now I think... you can let go.."

He looked uncomfortable. Uneasy.

"Why would I? You're the one who got yourself in that situation."

"Why wouldn't you?... I had no intention to scare you or anything. Okay? Now, take off your hands..."

"You really are fearless to be able to talk to me like that..you seems to forget what I did and you look like you trust me way too much."

"I ' _look'_ like. I didn't forget what you did. How could even I." He frowned barely, look at my hand on his neck and say; "Your handuhs."

He really was playing with fire.

"My hands? Like that?" I said tightening my grip on both his hands and neck.

He could still breath, just way more hardly.

"I will give you a lesson you wont forget. Get up."

I got up myself still holding his hands and forced him to stand.

Why wouldn’t he just leave me alone like all the others. What makes him think that i want to do anything with him. I just need everything to stop. This nightmare had to stop. Now.

I needed him to hate me.

Truly.

Then i would be in peace.

“Who tells you that I’m a good person? Those guys the other night, I’m way worse than them. You know why? Because there’s no one who will stand in front of me as I did in front of them. I’m a monster. Dangerous. I don’t have any regrets on what I did before. Nothing. No remorse. I don’t know who you think you are, but you are a fool. You should never trust me on any condition. Ever.”

I lightly wrapped my fingers back around his neck and pushed him against the piano before trapping him there by putting my hands each side of him on the piano, making an infernal sound.

“There’s nothing keeping me from raping you and killing you right here, right now. Nothing.”

“You won’t do it.”

“Oh and what makes you think that?”

“Your eyes… they are like that night. Sad.”

“You know nothing about what happened that night. You were just lucky you look like him. But you wont have this luck now, cause you're not 'HIM'.”

“Why are you doing all of this? What are you trying to do…?”

This child was so stupid. Run while I still give you the opportunity. Maybe if I showed him what I mean he will wake up. I gave him a look under my lashes and took off my shirt before going back to my initial position.

“Show you what I really am..” I said in a low voice.

He let out a small gasp as his hands placed themselves on my chest. Pushing.

“You cannot be serious...”

I let out a dry laugh.

“You aren’t as confident about what I’m gonna do anymore, huh?”

“Just stop talking al’eady…!”

“Or what?”

“I…I will force you.”

I smiled. A jerk smile. Before I press myself on him. He was so small and fragile. My whole body was covering his. Against the rawness of my skin he looked even more breakable. Adorable.   
I hated myself so much right now.

“Force me.” I said in his ear before placing a small open mouthed kiss on his neck.

He flinched. I almost stopped at that. When I was younger, I used to flinch every time someone would touch me. It was just a body reaction, at the time I wasn’t use to get beat up as much as I do now. Perhaps, I still don't enjoy people touching me for no reasons. That is, why I reacted that much when Shiro kept touching my jaw. I know it wasn’t to hurt me, but as gentle and caring as this touch was for me, it disturb me. I feel attack, aggressed. As if someone was trying to make me do something I didn’t want to do by using that weakness as an advantage. I lack touch, crave it, and using it against me was disgusting. but it was working, as much as I hate to admit it.

He pushed against me again but this time I didn’t budge at all. He was trying to put space between us, but not to leave.

“You are disguh’ing!”

"And you are way too cute. Feminine even. Exactly my type. Weak."

"I am not!"

He tried to push me away even harder.

"Oh, yes you are. I like it a lot. You make it so easy for me." I said running my index on his lower lip, my eyes going from his eyes to his mouth. I smiled.

"You didn’t washed the shirt I wore, huh? I can tell you even smell it. You just couldn't help it. The need was stronger than you. And you lost to it, cause you are weak."

His eyes widened and he suddenly pressed his palm firmly on my mouth.

"I told you to shut up! ばか!"

I couldn't help but laugh and kiss his palm. He gave me a glare but didn’t took off his hand. So he wanted to play that game...

I pressed myself even more on him until the back of his hand was against his on mouth, becoming the only boundary between our lips. I raised an eyebrow and kiss firmly his palm again.

He made a little sound and hardly step on my feet. Too bad I'm wearing hard leather boots. I didn't felt anything. I smiled and bite his hand. Again he didn’t take away his hand. I rolled my eyes. I slowly slide my hands under his shirt, one on his side and the other slightly on the front. He finally took off his hand putting them on mine to stop me. I moved my face closer to his our lips almost touching.  

"Don’t worry, I wont’ kiss you, I'll let that to your first lover."

He inclined his head backward, putting distance between our faces.

"Back off."

"Hum... No. _'I wont kiss you'_ doesn’t mean ' _I wont do anything else'_."

To conclude my words I kissed his neck again. He tried to hide it and stared at me.

"Stop!"

"You don’t want me to kiss you there but you want me to stop talking. You need to give me something to keep my mouth busy then."

"You jerk, just move away from me!"

"Then make me, princess."

"I am not a prince~su!"

He then started to actually struggle to get free. It was way too amusing and adorable. He was pushing me as much as he could without success then he started to hit me, one time, two times, three... then I had enough and tackled him back on our initial position on the floor.

"You fight like a girl. You don’t even really try. If my intentions were to rape you as much as I could I would have already had the time to do it several time. You're lucky I love my bottoms to struggle and fight me. You really are exactly my type. Your height. Your voice, I'm sure you'll be a screamer. Your eyes, full of bravery, with a light, so pure. Your mouth, you have such a big mouth, and you're a big talker, so much energy in such a small body. You also have adorable hands. I would love to see those hands do so much things... do you want me to tell you what kind of things?"

"I don’t want to listen to a pevu’ert like you... l-let go."

"You're right I'm pervert and you just gave me a much better idea. I know where you live, so I'll send you a letter about all the things I would like to do to you and those hands... maybe you won’t read it as you know that it would be from me... but I don’t think your mother wouldn’t give it a look... an anonymous letter to her so precious son... what an affront to overprotective mother..."

"Don’t do this..."

"Oh I will, and you'll look like the pervert then. And you know what I love the most about this idea?" I said leaning on him to talk in his ear. "I know how you are. You are way more curious than you would like. And even if you know what’s gonna be in the letter, even if you know that you don’t wanna know what are my thoughts, you won’t help it. The same way you couldn’t help but smell that shirt. You're just too curious. As you don’t wanna get caught reading it, you'll read it in your room alone at night. Probably in your bed, just in case someone enter to see if you're asleep. And the only things you'll be able to think about while reading it would be my voice, my touch, my smell. And all those images would get in your head, so real as you can even remember the burn of my fingertips on your skin. Even my voice will be so clear that you'll actualy hear me talk dirty to you. As you think it won’t get worse, you'll then remember my smell, making me so real. Just because you couldn’t help but smell the damn shirt..."

"I didn’t... I didn’t smell it!"

He started to fight again but I still didn”t let go.

"You didn’t?! Oh,you're such a bad liar. I know you did it and you still haven’t even washed it. But I don’t care you know, why would I mind that such a pretty boy like how I smell... here, just a reminder that you won’t forget what happened tonight... " I said before pressing my mouth on his neck sucking on a large and visible hickey.

"Don’t forget about the letter, ‘cause I won’t.."

I then got up leaving him there as I walked back to my room.

What a night.


End file.
